Humor Poems (1,868)

the meal of one course
not for a horse
on goes the sauce
with legitimate force

mince and cheese
oh yes please
butter chicken
that's what I'm pickin'

steak and veg
I wish to pledge
is comfort food
when in the mood

rain sings on the iron
the cars they wash on by
my fireside cat he's dryin'
his sleepy night is nigh

I wish I knew his dreaming
but I have no chance to pry
I'm sure its fully teeming
with mice that weren't so sly

and somewhere on a rooftop
beneath the bluest sky
this princely feline's eyeing
the birds that go on by

Easy going
Warm wind blowing
Carrying me

Getting lost in a meadow
Grasshoppers jumping, flowers bowing
Greeting me

Sun shining
Bees buzzing, birds singing
For me

Dancing, swinging
A rainbow of pencils
From the blue skies falling at me

I keep reaching out and catching pencils
To draw the picture
Of a summer day

Grandma's rolling up the tobaccy
the afternoon always bringing a truce
from the cussin'
for Grandpa's down in the pump-shed
messing with the lines
water tomorrow he says
all there in the soapy tubs
and Grandma'll let him
sleep half a day
'for the cussin' starts again
'bout how lazy he been
so me and Grandpa'll
go fishing
down on the river
and he'll tell me over
how he shoulda married
Grandma's sister
but all said and done
life just run like the river
boiling over the rocks
'til you released
into the sea

Ok i want to write a poem. And what's currently running thru my mind kinda goes like this;

Every night, late at night. When all the little CS'rs are asleep (hey isn't CS some kinda teargas or something?? Ok well anyway) I put some lipstick on the fingers on my right hand.
And i say onto it, and i quote,
"Say hello to my Little Friend..."
Whereupon i show IT (My right hand-fingers) something.
No. No...(where's the waving finger emoji?)
...I cant tell you what it is, this something.
You want me to get BANNED AGAIN??
Why i outta....

But anyway When you take this Little Finger
and put Lipstick on it and all it's other neighbor Finger Friends
They begin to sing!
No seriously!
And they kinda go like this.

DROP YOUR PANTS! A DUCK POPS OUT!

Im sorry im sorry! I couldnt do that right! I wanted to put up a song, but there's no way to do that here!
Now. If you think this song poem is great, give me a thumbs up.
But if you think this poem is bad, no ducks for you tonight!

split aces and eights
Blackjack lore for the gambler
hit me with a ten

black aces and eights
Wild Bill's last in South Dakota
Number Ten Saloon

I been riding with my six gun
along the mountain range
when I seen my pardner
acting mighty strange
he's scratching and a shufflin'
got a case of mange
needs to see a doctor
not easy to arrange

Down south the folks is friendly
beer and apple pie
that's where I met my true love
Laredo and the sky
Yee haw

Overheard in a bar, two St Bernards chatting..

"..well I was a lifer, you know, work and avalanches was all I really knew. Ten years I did it hard on the snow faces until I realised the brandy was better for me than the victims, that's when the motivation started to slip, I figured I was just playing out a role.."
"You lost the will to rescue?"
"Put it this way, some goon goes skiing out of bounds and gets himself in a pickle, I'm supposed to get out in the cold and bring him a drink, well pardon me for having a couple myself before heading out.."
"Pretty soon I'd just sit in the office by the fire, soothing the joints with a few tipples, let the world run by.."
"That's when they let you go?"
"I like to call it a mutual separation, the shop was running low on supplies and I wasn't fooling anybody."
"So you started this bar?
"Seemed the smart way out, now I can get a little hairy round the clock, sure beats the snow racket.."
"I'm with you brother.."
....

I once met Adolf Hitler
in a laundromat
he had his shirt off
and was kicking the washer
screaming in Spanish
about not enough room for
his Hawaiian shirts
"Calmate" I yelled
"Whats up with you", he screamed
"Look no damned soap suds and the machine is bloody Korean"
"Why didn't they get a Miele? Aaagh"
He slumped into resignation, eyeing the ceiling
living a new identity had its challenges
I thumbed my magazine
small creatures retreated into their holes
I thought about the war

The weather is too hot to go outside
I've watched so much tv my brain is nearly fried
If I could find a cave I would have a cool place to hide
I would like to go somewhere but I hear they started having earthquakes in Alaska

Well it's either climate change or a pole shift
Or maybe the aliens have taken control
With all that's going on I would say psychics don't have a gift
What do they know I just want to go but I hear they're having earthquakes in Alaska

The ac went out on my car so I'm stuck where I'm at and it's not much of a flat
So I'm looking wall to wall and I'll be here for a long while
My eyes are getting very big I hope no one mistakes me for a crocodile
Just forget about a long distance call don't want to hear about earthquakes in Alaska

Only green salad
Can't stand it, makes me feel sad
Fasting then is bad.

Eat fruits everyday
To the loo an easy way
Drives the doctor away.

Strawberries are sweet
But ice cream is the best treat
Ate in bed, stained sheet.

Remember don't cry
I'll bake fruit and chicken pie
Before sunset's goodbye.