Humor Poems (1,868)

He said: ---.-..-...?
She said:..-.--...-.Maybe
He: ----.-...-..-...-..Really?
She: --.-.-.-.--..Yes!
He: --.......-.--.-Wow!

Santa so fat in chimney got stuck
swearing and hot he got in a muck
kicking up much soot
boot fell off his foot
that night he was sure right out of luck

Connecting Singles is like a Xmas tree,
So many filled with glitter and gold,
plenty of variety and all of it free,
But not many of the bangles are ever sold,

At the very top we have our daring Queen,
Priceless with glittering love of power,
This resplendent princess with gowns of sheen,
Make many a man needing to take that cold shower,

The next lower echelon holds the key,
So many baubles worn but still they shine,
They know of love and sadness that be,
Get the right match and they could be forever thine,

The broadest branches hold the most,
lots of crackers and tinseled twine,
They hang about like the Holy Ghost,
perpetually stuck as if committed a crime.

Now below this great host at the base of the tree,
Lots of pressies with pretty little bows,
Are little parcels of joy just like me,
For when in true loves arms hearts light certainly glows.

Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
nothing did stir
not even this souse

I lay in a heap
pissed as a newt
all crumpled up
in my best dinner suit

The evening had started
with a glass of eggnog
as I sampled a slice
of the chocolate Yule log

From there I moved on
to the new Christmas beer
a double strength concoction
created to cheer

At dinner there was wine
both white and red
and the port that I tasted
went right to my head

Carols were sung
and a few of us danced
it was at this time
that a brandy I chanced

It was the one for the road
and not meant to queer pitch
but at the back of my throat
I had felt a slight itch

It slipped down and soothed
so another I had
and it was right at this time
that I started to feel bad

A whiskey's the thing
that's what I need
a large one I poured
It went down with great speed

So the night before Christmas
under tree do I lay
and don't intend stirring
throughout Christmas Day


Happy Holidays

available on YouTube

Christmas is mere days away
and I've yet to write my list
so I had better get it done right now
or my chimney will be missed

Santa's sleigh will pass right by
not stopping on my roof
an empty space under the tree
will be considered proof

He will not drink his eggnog
or bite into mince pie
the carrots will be left untouched
while I will surely cry

So pen it is to paper
a bike and a dog wrote down
and then something for dressing up
the costume of a clown

I won't put socks and hankies
or any type of clothes
there is no need to write them down
as he always brings me those

Some puzzles, and a good book
and a tangerine of course
while right there at the top of list
I think I'll put a horse

Merry Christmas

I’m gonna spill my guts
Yeah, tell you what it’s about
Don’t start to yell and shout
Until you know just how nuts
This poem will surely get
Wait ‘til the end to throw a fit
I’m seriously trying to choose
Just the right words to use
So I don’t overwhelm
Or get you into the blues
Please don’t start crying
It’s a sad story for sure
Filled with emotion
Love and devotion
It’s not really even that clever
Rather stupid, however
It does involve cupid
The sixties, s*xual revolutions
The Mash potato, The Chicken
These are dances not food
The Pony you wanted at eight
You Jerk don’t be late
The Locomotion
Two men, toads
A princess
It has some seedy villains
But absolutely no guns
I think, I’m on the brink
That’s why I’m seething
Reeling, spinning or whatever
Arrows, love and hearts broken
I’m thinking while I'm blinking
Outrageously outspoken
DD bra burning, skinny-dipping
Streaking, strippers and orgies
“Finding the light”
Dude, where’s your car?
Two men in the street
Last night arguing over
A toad in the road
One said kiss it
The other said no
One said why not
And the other said
Why would I bro?
Obviously this
Lowly little toad
Could be a princess
Kissing it will set her free
To love you for all eternity
Well then, you kiss the toad
Since you know so much
You have all the stories to tell
About wishing wells
Princesses going
Braless, ladylove
And such
Stop and think
Hey,
Let’s go get a drink
I bet you're out of ink

Hearts warmed and mellow
Feeling like candy jell-o

Trusting, not like Othello
Beautiful like ladies in a bordello

Sour like cherry morello
Sweet and yummy like Carmello

Bright and lovely in canary yellow
Stranger than an odd fellow

Chilled down to the marrow
Rolling and waving in a billow

Sitting under a sad willow
Peaceful on a silky satin pillow

Measuring kindness in a kilo
Natural as the Bay of Tiberius grotto

Driving a luxury limo
Wearing a shiny crystal halo

Repeating words that echo
S'il vous plait monsieur fellow

Get swaying move that elbow
Go tripping in the meadow

Stuck together like Velcro
Hovering over a memo

As we simply mellow
Out in shades of rainbow yellow

Keeping up an even tempo
Among an edgy crowded metro

To the sounds from a cello
Delivered like a turbo

Awesome yellow techno
Bravo, Bravo

This movie doesn't live up to the first one
Dumb and Dumber is really funny
This one has some moments
The biggest laugh was when the old lady gets Harry to feel her up
The girl that is supposed to be Harry's daughter isn't funny
Just cute
I was really looking forward to this movie
The sequel to Anchorman was my most watched movie of the year
So I figured this one would measure up as well
Nope
I am still glad I went to see it
If you want to see some good Jim Carrey laughs
Watch Liar Liar or his sketch comedies from In Living Color

A fisherman sat with line all lank
perched on crooked stool that soon sank
backside now all mud covered
his face an embarrassed red
off home he went with his pants all dank.

I chatted with my muse today
She's quite upset, with much to say.

"You always ask for songs of love,
The earth below, the skies above.
You ask for songs of sailing ships
And villains vile, and lovers lips
You ask for tales of Yukon gold
And people freezing in the cold
And stories set in tropic isles
With gentle natives beaming smiles

You ask for paintings of beauty rare
With ruby lips and auburn hair
Or quiet glades with autumn trees
And butterflies and bumblebees
And I have given every one
But rare the thanks when I am done
Your name goes on, but never mine
And you all think that this is fine.

But this is not my preference
I don't always make such sense
I'd rather that my damsels fair
Were caught at henna-ing their hair
I much prefer to tell a joke
That makes the proper people choke
A ribald song, perhaps quite smutty
Or silly verse, completely nutty

An Escher house, with floors on high
And fishies swimming in the sky
And make up tunes that make you laugh
While other people think you daft
That is what I'd rather do
Than to tell you how much she loves you
I'm much more fond of the trivial
My name, you see, is Doggerel.