Humor Poems (1,868)

PEOPLE CALL ME THE SECOND COMING OF VALENTINO; AND NOT JUST A REPLICA OF OLD DINO! IN THE MORNING, I HEAD TO MY FAVORITE IHOP! IN THE AFTERNOON; ON TO PUBLIX; MY FAVORITE PLACE TO SHOP!THOUGH NOT EXTREMELY TALL; I'M NO LITTLE CAESAR! I'M 2 SHORT OF 6, AND A REAL, CROWD PLEASER! IN THE EVENING,I'M OFF TO PARADISE, WHEN MY TEMPERATURE RISES;I'M JUST BEING ME; PACKED WITH MANY SURPRISES! ALL THE GIRLS SAY; I'M QUITE A SHOW STOPPER! IT ALL COMES NATUREL, FOR I POSSESS; THE ORIGINAL; WHOPPER!

Star log 2014: 6 inches of snow on the ground
My heads still spinning round and round
I have Triscuit crackers in my keyboard
And crystal rainbows on my wall
What the hell happened to Fall?
Does this strike a chord?
Someone posted “I’m enough”
Is that “in the buff?”
Really, that‘s all
So why won’t you call
I’m sitting by my telephone
With a headache that's now full blown
Sun is brightly reflecting on the pure white glistening snow
Blinding everyone as we try to get out and go
Grab those shades and promenade
What a blankety blank thrill
Oh my gosh! A hill
Very tedious to move
Snow to remove
Before we go anywhere
Who knows where
We don’t care
Get into the groove
Nothing to prove
It’s winter now
Anyhow, somehow
We’ll all get through it
No need for a carpenter’s kit
Or a building permit
Unless you’re working inside
Or on the east side
It’s only three damn months right
Before we know it we'll be basking in Spring light
However, nothing now will be as it seems
As you open up that bottle of intoxicating Irish cream
Please, whatever you do, do not scream!
Now sip that beautiful mixture in secret delight
Because it could be a really, really, really long night
Get up and at ‘em in the radiantly bright morning light
Those eyes need to stare at the place where the sun reflects
‘Cause you need the pineal therapy and it enlightening effects
It will keep you from going crazy or just creepily insane
As life slows down from that once funner than fun fast lane
Now, if you can keep up any semblance of an attention span
Get out there right now and build a gosh darn snowman
While you still f-ing can

MY CHERISHED PHONE IS ALWAYS BY MY SIDE! THROUGH, NITE AND DAY; AT WORK, OR AT PLAY!I NEVER PUT HER TO MY EAR; CAUSE I'M WELL AWARE OF THE CANCER FEAR! WHEN WE STROLL ABOUT TOWN;SHE'S ALWAYS IN MY POCKET, AND NOT CHARGING AT HOME, IN AN OLD SOCKET! WITH THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON, WE TRAVEL TO FOREIGN LANDS;SOMETIMES STOPPING OFF,AT A FESTIVAL,IN CANNES!I DON'T THINK I COULD FUNCTION, WITHOUT HER;AND I HOPE, SHE NEVER FINDS OUT; OR SHE'LL RAISE QUITE A STIR!TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT; IF THAT'S THE CASE; SHE'LL FOREVER BE WEARING; A SMILE ON HER FACE!

Ned is dyslexic
I see god but he sees dog
I'm saved, he's bitten

I love to go to the woods at night
And howl at the moon
Chase small furry creatures round
And with my knife rip them apart
But I am quite normal

I love to shop at department stores
And wear ten pants at once
Then I slowly waddle out the door
And then run like hell
But I am quite normal

I love to drink at my local pub
Downing one beer after another
I get so full the room spins around
And the floor comes up to meet me
But I am quite normal

I love to ride my motor bike
I think I'm a big tough bikie
It's a Honda 90 step through
Red hot pink the colour painted
But I am quite normal

I'm normal and straight
And oh so very boring
The rest of you, there's something wrong
You must be weird and crazy
For I am quite normal

File cantalach gruama ina shuí faoin ngrian,
Lifetime’s work prostrated on the railings behind him.
Dubliners busily bustling past,
One separates from the passing herd.

“Cheapas go ndeachaigh tusa ar shlí na fírinne blianta ó shin,
but I’ll catch you on the way back”
Me B*llicks
Cuirfeadh sé ionadh ort an méid daoine a bhí “ar tí “ breathnú ar a chuid saothair gach seachtain
Focal mór agus droch chur leis

“Go on, go f*ck off then”, he intoned go searúsach
Ach chun cothrom na féine a ghabhail dó,
dá mbeadh pingin aige i i gcóir gach óinseach a dúirt a leithéid dó
Bheadh saol an mhaide bháin aige

And just last week,
“FIVE NIGHTS, OR NONE”, proclaimed an tUasal Brooks, laying down a challenge
He’ll crawl, swim, fly to Ireland, drop on his knees and beg
Meas tú ?
Really?
Ar mhaithe leis féin a dheineann an cat crónán
Agus an freagra ceannan céanna, freagra an fhile uasail, ag dul dó, is dóigh.

No more do I wish to see
False friends and fake family
Stay away from me
You leaders of hypocrisy
Was a time I bought your lies
Swallowed hook sinker and line
And if you gave me chance I nearly swallowed the pole
But now I know, Now I am awake
And if you think you can catch me
Go jump in the lake
Coming around to see what you could get
Money, land, house et al
I have no use for parasites
They are just to burn
Give me kerosene and a light
I'd just as soon help you to hell
Than let you feed off my wealth
I give to the poor
I feed the hungry
Clothe the naked and help the sick
And if I go to hell myself
At least I'll know you got none of it.

There was a blonde woman from Crewe,
who thought she had quite the great clue.
She said, "Yes, I'm quite smart"
I got a great head start
Changed my clock yesterday at 2!"

I have 10000000 $.

At 28 I was so sexy and straight
Does my Bum look Big In this?
Does my Bum look Big In this?
At 38, I thought was an 8!!!!
Does my Bum look Big In this?
Does my Bum look Big In this?
Now at, 48 my body is no longer straight
Am I to hate all those chocolates I once ate?
Or
Those fish & Chip suppers I loved so late
Or
The drive to work where a walk would rate

Does my Bum look Big In this?
Does my Bum look Big In this?
Now at the gym aerobics is all in
They say that lycra is all the rage
Pink, blue, green even a creamy Listerine
Calories were burnt trying to worm my way inside
With a zip up the back I found it impossible to react
Does my Bum look Big In this?
Does my Bum look Big In this?
I won my man with him I had kids my shape and size still catches my husband’s eyes
My looks are still my trait and my beauty still inside
So how you see me is a guide to the love and smiles that shines from inside
XXXL, XXL, XL, L, M, or Small, who cares?
All I care for is husband, kids and all.

Just in case I lose some weight
I will still ask him that question
Does my bum look big in this?
He will smile and say a white lie because that’s my guy.