Humor Poems (1,865)

there is a young girl in st pete
who kisses especially sweet
while puzzled and impressed
how she kept her lips fresh
she remarked 'I just rinse and repeat'

There once was a man…………..



There once was a man with ideas.
He thought he was cool to his peers.
One day to his luck he did meet,
A beautiful gal for to greet.
He got put in his place. He bowed to her grace
and his head shrunk down to it’s size.








Oct. 2012

Jack Spratt was terribly fat
His wife was more obese than that,
They had a fight
Most every night
As to who got the food for the cat.

Now Paw was no younster,he needed his rest
so he laid there as still as could be.
His knees pinned together,he had no defense!
What could he do to get free ?

Eyes welded shut he thought and he thought
he felt Maw curled up by his side.
Her arms on his chest,what a terrible fix,
he couldn't escape if he tried.

"Oh Daisy !" said he in an audible voice
then he jumped up and hopped to the door.
The rolling pin grabbed, Maw held over her head,
Paw knew if she caught him he,d surely be dead !

You see Maws' first name wasn't Daisy.
Daisy worked in a Bumpkinville shop.
Paw,d explain later,it was just a bad dream,
as he cleared the front door with one hop !

POOR PAW

Maw! She smokes a corn cob pipe,
and Pa sleeps on the porch.
Has ta ! Stupid bugger,
burned the Cabin with a torch.
Maw just sits there a'rockin
and listens to him snore,
Pa's lost all motivation,
he don't even fish no more.

I got a job in Bumpkinville
cleanin' brass spitoons,
Bought a TV with my pay
so Ma could watch cartoons.
Pa listened in, heard Fred exclaim,
"Yabba Dabba Doo !!"
Told Ma,"Pack up. We're movin'.
That's what we're gonna do."

Now we live in a dark old cave
on Yippan Holler Hill.
To live up there is wonderful
it really is a thrill !
The little house that was outback
is now at our front door.
Now Ma and Pa don't have to run
as far as they did before !

Paw slept for two days propped up on a stump
those buscuits had messed with his head
He vaguely remembered Maw squeeling with glee
as they bounced through the night on their old iron bed

Paw got to his feet and his knees gave a creak
he knew he'd be hobbling about for a week
Maw sat a grinning when Paw wandered in
he knew she'd be tryin' ta fool him ag'in

Paw'd returned home with a possum he shot
Maw stewed it up in their old iron pot
Possum and greens and grits on the side
Maw laddled it out,her heart filled with pride

Maw knew Paw'd not eat no more buscuits and honey,
just to look at them gave him a fright
Maw smiled as she calmed him and coo'd in his ear
"Here Paw,I made brownies tonight !"

POOR PAW !!

The catfish was fried to a light golden brown
it didn't take Paw long to wolf it all down.
He wiped off his hands with the tail of his shirt,
"Hey Maw that was great,now what's for dessert ?"

The buscuits with berries and honey on top
made Paws'eyes light up and his heart took a hop
He savoured the first bite,Maws'face shone with pride
Paw didn't know what she'd hidden inside.

She'd found a few mushrooms the animals like
that make them go silly and play in the night
Paw ain't been silly for nearly six weeks,
he says when he is it makes his knees creak

Paws' eyes rolled around and around in his head
Maw began giggling and pulled out the bed
She tore off Paws longjohns and hers quickly too
There'll be hootin tonight. Yabba Doo Doo !!

“Darling Dear,” she said to me with a look so dire and sombre.
“There is something I must confess before another year passes.”
Now I prepared to hear the worst, infidelity and such like.
Never once did I suspect of what was to follow.
“Darling Dear, all these years I told you I was infertile.”
I nodded, wondering what was to come, so I said, “please continue.”
“The truth I stretched a little bit, hell, maybe even broke it.
You see, I already have two daughters and a son, but the thing is,
they call me Dad, not Mum.”
Now that rocked me back and forth and left me somewhat confused.
Does that mean that she was he, back before I met her?
“Please speak to me,” she begged with a tear on her cheek.
But I couldn’t help myself, this was just too funny. Suddenly it
all burst out, I rolled on the floor laughing. Took a while for me to
stop so that I could answer.
“I too have children, two darling sons, and they both call me Mum.
A woman I was a long time ago, but now I am a man.”
That was many years ago and we are still together. You could
call this a modern romance.

I know a woman from Texas
She already has five eX.s
They could not perform
What she considered norm
She's using a vib for her erectus

Dear Diary,

I am so mad at Dr. Frankenstein
He wants me to call him dad
I should be grateful for him giving me life
But I wish he would have given me a good brain
Not some criminal brain he dropped on the ground
I have a square head
Two bolts sticking out of my neck
Scars on my wrists and a green face
Every time I try to hit on a girl she screams
I can't even get a prostitute because they scream too
I am also afraid of fire and I really could use a cigarette
It would help calm my nerves so I'm not breaking stuff all the time
Well, I have to say goodbye for now
I see the angry mob coming towards the castle
With their pitchforks and torches
It's not easy being me