Most Viewed Humor Poems (1,868)

It's typical this season to look out your window
and see a horde of Zombies dragging accross your front
lawn. But fear not. Here are some tried and proven tips
to ward off those pesky Zombies who are only out for blood.
You can thank me later.

1. Work their ego: Tell them you really admire their persistance
and would like to join their group.

2. Appeal to their sense of injustice: Tell them they should have
been the rightful dancers in Michael Jacksons, 'Thriller.'

3.Offer them a Mc Donalds 'Happy Meal' gift certificate and suggest
they take the day off.

4. Tell them it's not you they want but the old hag who lives next
door whose been making fun of them and she has a fat cat they might
be interested in too.

5. Tell them that the IRS Auditors have already been to your house.

6. Appeal to their sense of community: Tell them your mother-in-law
rents the room #666 right accross the hall from them in hell.

7. When they knock, open your front door waring a Richard Nixon mask.

8. Appeal to their sense of style: Tell them they'd attract more
victims if they shopped the latest in Macy's Department Store's Zombie apparrel.

9. Give them real hope: Tell them they fully qualify for Social Security benefits and the latest HMO Health Care Plan.

10. Get a crow bar from the trunk of your car and beat their
freaking brains out!

Thank you: Don't hesitate to call us for your results at Zombie.Dead Guy.com

Johnny Carson Terms for Death

Passed Away
In a Happier Place
Among the Angels
Bought the Farm
Cashed in his Chips
Kicked the Bucket
Deep Six'ed
Doing the Lawn Limbo
Time Sharing the Oblong Condo
In the Horizontal Phone Booth
Deceased
Departed
Hard as a Carp
In the Marble Mailbox
Booked into the Motel Deep 6
Taking a Spin in the Brass Handle Sedan
Hanging 10 on the Satinlined Surfboard
Booked on a Cruise in a Dirt Submarine
Hoffa Halftime
Pushing up Parking Lot
Pumping Lid
Snuffed Out
Kicked Off
Wearing the Wooden Waistcoat
Playing in the Subterranian Sandbox
Doing the Pinebox Lambada
Trolling for Topsoil Trout
Dead as a Doornail
Gone out with the Tide
Taken the Final Curtain
Serving a Major in the Pine Penalty Box
Standing in line at the Sod Sizzler
Dancing the Hokey Croaky
Riding the Satin Pony
Flying the Marble Kite
Demised
Defunct
Signing for the Lower Me Down Bouquet
Pushing up Miss Daisy
Parking the Broze Bus
Shopping at the Mahogoney Mini Mall
Run His Race
Bitten the Dust
Riding in a Soil Sidecar
Renting the Grass Tuxedo
Going to Sod Prom
Crashing the 6 Handled Pool Party
Staying at Club Mud
Passing the Grey Puopon
In a Taper Tanning Booth
Doing the Worm Wave at Stiff Stadium
On the Sod Subway
Wearing the Toetag Turtleneck
Eating Moss Muffins

There he sits
pushing and flexing
perhaps giving birth
to another Texas

He sits in a bathroom stall
holding a pen or knife
staring straight ahead
leaving his work on the wall

this man must have
great ambition in life
to leave his name on the wall
in all the public bathroom stalls

They may scrub his work
to halt his pen
but the outhouse poet
will always strike again

Perhaps one day
they will stop his fate
and leave in the stall
a quart of kaopectate...

You can run from love
You can run from war
You can run from the cop on the beat
You can run from danger
You can run from a stranger
But you can't run away from your feet

An is is just a was that was

and that is very small...

And is is was so soon it almost

wasn`t is at all

For is is only is until

it is a was-you see...

And as an is advances

to remain an is can`t be...

cause if is is to stay an is

it isn`t is because

another is is where it was

and is is then a was.

She was only the vicars daughter,
though she didn't quite act as she oughta,
one day her spells got scrambled,
at the witches classes where she dabbled,
and changed all her dads wine to water.

Hey, Cowboy!
Hold your horse,
Slow down!
Whattya think,
You'r the only one in the town?

I know I'm a pretty gal
And you wanna take me out.
Whattya gonna to impress me with?
Old hat, lonely look
And the boots worn out?

Touch my heart, Cowboy,
Let it sing.
If you can't - get back in the line
Before I sting.

*************************************
Responce, By Redrose2009:


...
A Knightly Cowboy

In a sun-kissed town
By sundown
Lonely looks of a cowboy with exhausted boots and a tattered hat
Meet tamed looks of a pretty gal staring at his horse’s rat-a-tat-tat
She waves at the knightly cowboy, with a change of heart
Asks him if he’s the only one in the town to have a heart-to-heart
After greeting with a friendly “Hi”
He says, in this town, he’s the only regular guy
His golden touch can turn hearts into spring
He’s even able to make them beautifully sing.

...
*********************************************************
Responce By ustju

To Aprhodite

To a pure goddess

Did I just hear a voice? Or was it the whisper
Of a Goddess that walked this way past?
I stopped, I had a look and found to my joy
That Aphrodite herself set her eyes on me at last.

But why should she take her time to look
Upon a cowboy who thinks he’s the only one in town?
Surely he is a nobody compared to such beauty;
I wonder, but it only makes me frown.

This heavenly creature is the same one of my dreams;
The same one whose face makes my heart leap.
And now that she has taken human form
I shall no longer find relaxation in my sleep.

Come Aphrodite single me out
Let me shower you with eternal love
Let me fold my arms around you in perfect bliss
And clasped together let us fly beyond the clouds above.


from your Cowboy

I had 12 bottles of Te Bheag in my cellar and my wife told me to pour each and every one down the sink, or else!....

I said I would, and proceeded with the task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the Te Bheag down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the Te Bheag down the glass which I drank. Then I pulled the bottle from the cork and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I corked the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. Then I had everything emptied. I steadied the house with one hand and counted the glasses, corks and bottles with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I am not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I am not half so thunk as you might drink I fool so feelish. I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

your my honey
your my sweet
your my pumpkin pie to eat
you my sugar and my spices
your my icing and my ices
your my candy your my cake
oops i ate you by mistake :XD

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Its a dogs life
gotta tell you
wearing goggles
like these

so i m frowning
who would nt
this dog dont want
to swim in sea

so i m in a mood
look what its doing
to my appearence
and my street cred

what chance have i
of landing a date
wearing this contraption
they ve gone mad

but i ll get even
lying about
where they can
trip over me

if not the sea
its a snow job
a liberty i d say
making me look this way

it just makes
one barking
super barking
hostile barking mad.