Most Viewed Humor Poems (1,865)

She broke Mr. Fixit
cause he had a loose
screw
Hammered his way into
her heart
Amazing thing's he'd
do
He could fix her door
with his big black
drill
He could plug her leak
from the window ceil
He'd tune the engine
with the turn of a
wrench
Build that stool on
his carpenter's
bench
But he didn't know
squat about her
feminine mind
And his greased up
kisses twern't worth
a dime
He belched, he sneezed
and was a total slob
She thought she was
dating that Sci-fi
blob
So she pulled out his
bolts and unscrewed
his nuts
Word on the street is
that lady's got guts!

Oh the hours I would while
With my vertical smile
The days would quickly pass
Oh the ladies would be swoonin
Well I would be just moonin
If I only had an a##
I would do a lot of sittin
My pants would be a fittin
I'd pass a lot of gas
To the folks I'd be relatin
All about my defecating
If I only had an a##
Oh I would run around
And do what most people do
I'd decorate my crack with ribbons too
What's the matter?
Don't you?
With my back facin a mirror
I'd scrutinize my rear
In my looking glass
There would be a lot of takers
When I shake my money maker
If I only had an a##

It was found on the street,and then put in the trunk.And it topped off a full load of nothing but junk.Though it no longer ran,but was so very clean,`twas the junkiest junk that ever was seen.When I got it home,they said "see if it starts." Then I had noticed,its missing some parts.So I then looked around for some parts I could use,then I had thought,how much time could I lose? So I looked at the clock and I found lots of stuff.Then I had wondered,is all this enough? I got it to work.It worked well but was old.I decided to keep it unless it got sold.Many things have I found,all that had been thrown out,and that`s what this story was really about.

Little Bo Peep
Is loosing sleep
'cause Jackie Horner
Got her in a corner
He said he wanted to
Show he somethig new
What she was shown
She had never known
He said it would bew fun
And when they had begun
Thinking it might be
'till she found that he
Had made some kind of mess
And got it on her dress
She knew not what it was
She's mad now because
It's new just from the store
And further more -
SHE DON'T WANT NO MORE !

Then as time goes on
She knows something's wrong
Her clothes no longer fit
And she's really in a snit
Then a friendly spider
Came and sat beside her
They talked as if they're friends
And the spider recommends
BoPeep really should
Visit Planned Parenthood
Now Jack is not around
For he has skipped town
Bo's found an attorney
To shorten Jackie's journey
And pay for what's been done
For what he said was fun
Put Jackie in a corner
Where he'll be the mourner
When he learns he has to keep
A baby and mother BO PEEP.

Having my hair cut
Oh what a drag
Maybe I'll just wear a paper bag!

The questions they ask are always the same
"Oh, look outside - it looks like rain"
"Are you going out tonight?"
"How's your hair, is that alright?"
Then mousse, and spritz and hair spray galore
I just can't wait to get out that door!

Away from the chemicals and idol chatter
I know it doesn't really matter
Away from the spray tans and stick-on false nails
It's really not me, and I can't wait to bail

Get out of the door and into fresh air
Away from the drone of pop music blare
Thank God that it's over for another wee while
Hmmmmm....Maybe next time, I'll change my style! :o)

Most people can't remember anything that happened to them before the age of two. I am unique in that not only can I remember with clarity stuff that happened to me the first two years of my life, I can also remember events that happened even before conception. I remember like it was yeserday, half of me resting in my dad's testicle, and the other half in my mom's fallopian tube. Next thing I know the half of me in papa is being hurtled on a fast ride quite similar to going on a waterslide. I have to swim fast because the early bird gets the womb. The other half of me is all happy to have so many vying for my attention. All of these olympic swimmers are now ramming their heads into me. It's like a bunch of lumberjacks competing to be first to hack through the pine log. Meanwhile the tadpole part of me finally breaks through. Now we have to go dutch and each chip in half of the bill to pay for this new boy we're about to become. Sure I won't ever be able to swim as fast, but I will be able to do lots of other cool things with the cells I am now making. I start out at two, then four, then eight, then 16, and so on doubling to millions and then billions. I'm growing a brain, toes, arms, teeth, a heart, all sorts of new things. Then it's just grow, grow, grow! I slide out of my mom, get a smack on my bottom, I'm guessing it's tradition, and find that you have to use your mouthhole to get nourishment, not your belly button. I do miss living inside, getting my yummies through my tummy.

Knock, knock no one is at home,
To greet me or read my poem,
Shall I wait here a little longer,
Or leave a message for them to read later,

Twinkle, twinkle little blinking star,
Will you come and stay with me awhile?
Night wind playing with my curly hair,
Will you take me up to visit Mr. Moon?

Ding dong,ding dong on my grandfather's clock,
Its time to go to bed and meet the jumping sheeps,
I'm afraid of the dark and hide under my sheet,
Will daylight come and bring mummy and daddy to me soon?

Holy holy to my Father and his Son Jesus Christ,
Not forgetting the holy ghost aka Spirit,
Please take care of me
From this dangerous place,
And save my family, friends and enemies!

Call waiting?
Not now,
Three-way?
And how,
Leave a message?
I may read it,
Block me?
Well I don't need it,
On hold?
For freakin' ever,
Call forwarding?
I may never,
Caller ID?
Just who this be?
LED readout?
Yeah, I see,

My brain is like a network,
Of entangled spaghetti vermicelli,
Taking & sending endless calls,
Like those scammers in New Delhi,

Is there a reason for this rhyme?
Seems I may not have a clue,
Cause every time I call myself to inquire,
The damn busy signal just won't let me through!

It wasn't his bite
It wasn't his flight
It was the eyeballs in backwards that messed up his sight
He'd get stuck in a breeze bounce off rocks into trees

Yeah he had it so bad bruised worn an torn
He decided to get a seeing eye flea
One night asleep in the bark of a tree
A tick came along an took nittee's flea

Well the tick couldn't see
Nittee's flea just saw right
The ground is much safer than a gnat with no sight!

I know you saved up all year long
You wanted your kids to sing a song
about the vacation to Disney World
There must be 50 ways to pick your pocket
There must be 50 ways to pick your pocket
Just ride on the tram Sam
Buy a mug Doug
Buy your kid a doll Paul
Just listen to me
Eat a Mickey Mouse icecream Jean
You don't need to discuss cost
Just get a fast pass for that ride Clyde
And set yourself free
I know you feel abused by Mickey
If you want real abuse ask the workers
Who run Disney World
Or the Haitians who make all the Disney merchandise
There must be 50 ways to pick your pocket
There must be 50 ways to pick your pocket
Just pick up the bill Bill
Buy some Mickey clubs Bub
Stay in the hotel Del
Just listen to me
Buy a toy Roy
Eat a snack Mack
Ride a new thrill Jill
and set yourself free