Most Viewed Humor Poems (1,865)

i almost cried
bought a cheap
gas bottle
a friend was up visiting
said a neighbor moved out
gave it to him saying
its almost full
saying its three times
the size of the gas bottle
which you have there

how much do want for it i said
seeing a chance
of a bargain
30 euros he said
managed to get it
for 20 euros
telling him
i am taking a chance
it might not work
smiling into myself

got it back to the place
carried it around the back
got a jublie clip
connected them together
went in began putting on a fry
cooking away almost done
i turn
my niece walks in the door

she gives me one
awful push screaming
into flames
roaring saying
the place
is on fire
all the hairs
on my arms went up in smoke
caught a bucket of water
throwing it upon the flames
my hair catches fire
my niece
was roaring laughing
at this stage

ran around the back ripped
the gas bottle out of the wall
run in with another bucket of water
dousing the flames
ran to the barrel of water dipping my hand in
only now i am shaking with shock
that stupid gas bottle has just
cost me a clean fortune

should of known
it was to good to be true
put creams for burns on
had a sleepless night
but everything is ok
just have hairless arms
sick working at
repairing the damage

that is me
finished with gas bottles
my niece said she could
not help laughing
even i was in flames
she said it was the fastest
she ever saw me moving
with your hair on fire
it was like something out
of a movie

she said
it did not seem real
that she was shocked
stood and done nothing
my father today
began laughing

he said my arms
he never seen them
looking so smooth looking
a better job
than waxing he said
a mad story
from the hills
of donegal

imagine that
an idiot almost
blew himself up
laughing out loud
into myself ha ha

Your gorgeous features within my dreams are cast,
as the winds of love climb like a sail upon my mast.
Two frustrated lovers floating both within a dream,
wishing to bring to life, dreamt moments so serene.

You, there in a very distant Country so very far away,
whilst I claim my home here in the West of the USA.
Chances are, we'll never have the privilege to actually meet,
so let's agree to dream of passion and love so very sweet.

When I awake, I slowly turn to face where you once were,
refusing to open wide my eyes, preferring that sleepy blur.
That blurry place between imagination and stark reality,
where still I feel and smell your body lying close to me.

When finally from that cozy blur, mind and heart detached,
I'm left a victim of robbery, my love from me was snatched.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I only want to scream,
an overdose of Saccharine caused this sweet Schmaltzy dream!

events of the last few days
still tender to my heart
a tragic turn for i should have known
I must inform you
I can no longer
write poems
my writing days is comen to an end
I will explain but
can we have a moment and remember
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thank you my friends
for this moment
now i'll explain
events last few days
as your aware
my pencils are at the breaking point
so they have all snapped
they are all mad
cause they are labeled
number 2
so i can no longer write
from now on
all my poems will be




TYPED

Cats crave cream
CAT craves cocoa
CrazyCAT chasing cold chocolate chariot

Arrives around alley and architectural arch
Adept at adapting, always attempt an accession
All avenues appear appealing,
As appetite assails attention.

Teasing truck travels to tantalizing treat traders..
Tempting troubled trek toward tall tailgate.
Testing teeny tiny tiptoes...trying tis this -
Then trepidation.. taking tantamount truffles.....
Truly terrific... the Tastiest Today(!!!!!!!)

A fisherman sat with line all lank
perched on crooked stool that soon sank
backside now all mud covered
his face an embarrassed red
off home he went with his pants all dank.

POEM



POEM

Twisting, turning, squirming, yearning
Why can't they let me be
Cluttering, muttering, clanging and banging
What have they done to me

Over and over they run around
Dancing their little twirl
Put me this way, no, no, that way
Their song goes on and on

They jump around to tantalise
Here I look much better
Turn me round, now add this one
Is this the way you want us

So when they start to get too loud
I put my pen to paper
Write them down just like they sound
And get some peace till later

Now for the first time in print the earth shattering
statistics are in!
The 100% 'Man Winning' formula has been found!
Eighteen centuries of dating information has been
collected. We've searched the world over and even
have interviews on record from ancient cultures of
disgruntled 'males' from some of the most unlikely
spots on earth. Such as the Sahara Dessert where two
dudes were standing behind the only rock in the region.
They were asked if if they would date a woman with three
legs and a tatoo. They said, 'Sure!

2. In 305 BC. a clay tablet was discovered that
described a guy who lived in a tree and would spit
on monkeys who came to close. Witnesses said he liked
girls who didn't mind a guy spitting.

3. In 2003 in upstate Downtown a circus clown dated
a common housefly. They were married but the fly died
3 hours later.

4. A scientist was asked what compelled him to marry.
He simply replied, 'Because she was there.'

5. A hundred men were given an intelligence test with
just one question. They were asked,' What they would do
if there was nothing else to do, but would they do it if
nothing else could be done?' They said, 'Yes! Then they
started sucking their thumbs.

6. The same men were asked what were the three most important
qualities they looked for in a woman. Most of the men asked, 'How
many are three?'

7. Twenty men were asked what turned them on about women
wearing nylons. They replied, ' So we can use the nylons to
pull over our faces when we rob banks.'

8. A hundred men were asked what they thought was the most
beautiful thing about a woman. Most men thought the most
beautiful thing was that their wives didn't have them
commited to a mental institution in the first two years
of their marriage.

9. Eighty men were asked what was the greatest gift their
wives or girlfriends had given them. Most said, " They gave
us a second chance 1500 times.'

10. All the men were asked, 'What they would do differently
that would add quality to their relationships.' Most replied
that they would start using a public restroom instead a highway
guard rail or their neighbors back tire.'

There it is ladies. It might seem like slim pickings, but you gotta love us!!

Tommy tucker
tater tott
Took tomatoes
to tip top
Tossed, turned, tumbled
tripped turning trails,
Telling toothless
tongue tied tales.

Bloom baby boo
Busty bombshell
Boldly blue.
Bumping, boisterous,
Bumbling brew.
Bootylicious.
Boom
Boom
Boom!!!

Misty mountain,
mellow moon
Music made my
melody move
Majestic medley,
meaningful maze
More memories
makes my
Mind migrate...

Tis a story told of long ago
In the outback of Australia
Where dingos roam to hunt for food
And goannas in sunlight basking
Twas there the story goes to say
Lived Malu - Barti - Watou

Now he was green and he was mean
No animal did like him
Made his home amongst the rocks
And Spinifex for shelter
Woe to anything bold enough
Near his lair to tread

A hunter bold and brave
One day did venture outwards
No-one gone so far afield
Looking for provisions
Listened not to stories told
Of Malu - Barti - Watou

Hunter hunted far and wide
For food to feed his family
Travelled nearer, always closer
Following mob of kangaroo
Round the rocks they jumped so quick
Right into deadly danger

A flash of green, was barely seen
As it grabbed all kangaroos
Where once been ten, not one to see
So quickly did it happen
The hunter stopped and stared in shock
'cause of Malu - Barti - Watou

Trembling knees and sweating brow
Twas then the tales remembered
Turned and ran to save his life
Across the stony, rocky desert
Home he ran to tell the tale
Of Malu - Barti - Watou