Humor Poems (1,868)

So many flashbacks
One more year took a spin
To start new again

Hop on the last train
En route to new adventures
Take a rowdy ride!

I stand beside a carp filled lake like glass,
A place where fairies oft flit to and fro.
You would not like my job so well, although
I do it for the Upper Middle Class.

My job is to amuse Sir's family,
Look cute, as I stand there , all two foot nine,
Red pointed hat atop my head so fine
and little gnome house built beneath the tree.

This morning when the sun soft lit the sea
My grunts and roars all through the vale arose,
When Sir attacked me with a garden hose.
The rude device was meant to make me pee.

The fairies hid for fear they would be next,
No longer laughing now that Sir seemed vexed.


~~~~~~~~~~~


He had a mind to make me water seeds.
His sprinkler system did not far extend,
So figuring to use me to that end
He plumbed, to let my tinkler do the deeds.

By noon my old wheelbarrow was long gone.
The Koi looked on quite open-mouthed with shock
As water gushed from out my hat and sock
While Sir's expletives just went on and on.

The afternoon was similar 'till three
When Sir struck gold with piece of copper plate
With which he prodded, worked on long past eight,
A drill producing functionality.

All done! Too late for him to see, Alas!,
The "pee" was squirting out my blushing a**

Blushing puce, cheeks all aglow,
Is there something I should know?

Dancing fingers, fidget, twirl,
What's afoot my Angel Girl?

Sold your sister? Flushed old Ted?
Ate a hole in my new bread?

Sliding glance, you must have done
Something that you oughtn't Hon.

What's that Darling? None of those?
Now you're twiddling your toes!

Must be bad! Now let's go look!
Is it something that you took?

Ah! There's Jimmy, from next door.
What's he doing on my floor?

Stole a kiss! Did he? Oh Dear!
Whispered sweet things in your ear.

No he WON'T do that again,
Now he thinks you're quite insane!

Iron fist in velvet glove
Is what I said! Not IRON GLOVE!

Let me see if he's OK?
Oh My! Jimmy! What a day!

Now you're puce all over too
From the beating she gave you.

Now SHAKE HANDS to show you care.
You're non-the-worse for wear and tear.

Lesson learned from this event?
Kisses aren't ALL Heaven Sent!

Patient: Doctor, why do I always feel sick at the airport?

Doctor: Sounds like you have a terminal illness


Doctor: I’ve got very bad news – you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.

Patient: Well, at least I don’t have cancer.


Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I've turned into a dog!

Doctor: ...ok..., well sit down on this chair and tell me about it.

Patient: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

the other day, walking through the
park, I saw something
oh, looks like a snake
oh, it is a snake, call the police
call the army
call Tarzan, oh my, what now
I walked away, and went home.

~ Hear The Children Singing ~

Happily Jingling

~ Ding A-Ling ~

~ Ding A-Ling ~

Christmas Bells are Ringing ~

Christmas Bells are Ringing ~

Ding A-Ling!

Ding A-Ling!

Snowflakes “R” falling ~

Snowflakes “R” falling ~

Ding A-Ling!

Ding A-Ling!

Santa’s sleigh is coming ~

Santa’s sleigh is coming ~

Ringing his Bell!

Singing ~ Ding A-Ling, Ding A-Ling!

~ Merry Christmas to You All ~

Santa’s Elf Poet
JimEee

My mind keeps playing the role of a doctor
Another therapy session every day or two
There was a girl that's why my chart has lots of pages doctor
My mind keeps trying to fix my heart from missing you

The doctor says this is all very confidential
There's no one in the room but me
I keep asking to see his credentials
He say he's still going to the school of poetry

I can see this is getting me nowhere
But he's the only doctor I can find
My insurance has all this covered
But what if she uncovers this heart of mine

The doctor said this session is over
I don't know when the next appointment will be
His prescription was a four leaf clover
But it's going to take more than luck to find a cure for me

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean,
Were two prawns named Justin and Christian,
They loved swimming around and being larks,
But were constantly harassed by hungry sharks.
Finally one day, Justin fed up and forlorn,
Told his mate he was sick of being a prawn.
“I wish I was a shark and couldn’t be beaten,
Then I wouldn’t have to worry about being eaten.”
A mysterious cod appeared out of the dark,
And turned Justin into a great big shark.
Christian now fearful of being tempting bait,
Quickly swam away from his once good mate.
Time passed and now Justin was bored and alone,
When his friends saw him they scurried off home,
Justin soon realised that his appearance outright,
Was now the cause of his unhappy plight.
One day while swimming alone in his domain,
He encountered the mysterious cod again,
He begged to be changed from his menacing shark form,
And lo and behold he once again became a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes,
He went and bought cocktails for all the prawn guys,
(Ah! You might be thinking prawn cocktails in this verse,
Is the punch line…but no… believe me… it’s worse).
Looking around the gathering amongst reef and coral,
He couldn’t see Christian, his dear old frightened pal.
“Where’s Christian,” he frantically sought,
And was told he was at home and very distraught.
Looking to put things right again and to make amends,
He shouted through Christian’s door that they should be friends.
“No way man,” said Christian, who had grown so much thinner,
“You’re a shark! I won’t be tricked into being your dinner.
Justin replied, “No I’m not…I’ve learnt my lesson,
I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again, Christian!”

There once was a cat,
that sat in a hat,
and hid himself from view.

With head down low,
he was in the know,
the yapping dog was due.

Day after day,
dog wanted to play,
and would chase him around and around.

So quiet as a mouse,
cat hid in the house,
hoping he wouldn't be found.

It had happened for years,
and the cat was in tears,
his nerves frayed right to the end.

And once as a kitten,
he'd even been bitten,
the injury took ages to mend.

But this day was the last,
it was a thing of the past,
the dog he'd see not again.

For his owner and him,
and the hat with the trim,
were tomorrow all moving to Spain.

I am a little insect
and I've just grown some wings
but what I wish I really had
is something sharp that stings

For flying up in the air
seems dangerous to me
with wasps and hornets up there
and the buzzing bumble bee

I've got nothing to protect me
from their nasty bites
I'm very ill equipped my friends
to get involved in fights

So I think I will stay down here
among the worms and bugs
They seem a much more friendly lot
especially the slugs