Humor Poems (1,868)

A group of girlfriends on vacation,
Find a five story hotel with a sign that reads,
"For Women Only Destination,"
And decide this will serve their current needs.

A good looking bouncer at the door,
Explains to them how the hotel works,
They can choose to stay on any floor,
If they are happy with that floor's perks.

So they go to the first floor but in vain,
For a sign there written in large text,
Says,"All the men here are short and plain,"
They laugh and move up to the next.

The second floor's sign still presents a problem,
And just doesn't satisfy their desire,
The men here are only short and handsome,
So they decide to move to a floor higher.

The third floor's sign reads that the men are tall and plain,
They still want better and with two floors left,
They decide there could be much more to attain,
Surely the next floor won't leave them bereft.

On the fourth floor the sign is more exciting,
All men here are tall and handsome for sure,
They start to go in, it is so inviting,
But wonder what they'll miss on the fifth floor.

They move to the fifth floor and read the sign,
"There are no men here," it states with caution,
For the floor was built only to define,
That there is no way to please a woman!

I'm supposed to be a Sagittarius..the
Fire sign
But have the astrologist's
Miscalulated my position
Among the planet's?
They say on Wenesday
I was in Jupitors
House
And on Thursday in
Neptunes house
But Friday, I was in
Betty's house and
Boy was she hot!

Oh, behave Cafe!

Could be a block
of wood
Or a brick in
the wall
Perhaps I'd be just
one more link in a
cold endless chain
of steel but for these
E-Motions
These feel-Lings I
have for you..
'Just some thang I'm
going through, you say.'
It will pass cause they're
just E-Motions..
E-Motions are mind snatchers
that are spawned in a
butterfly feel-Ling factory..
These little winged elves
work tirelessly creating a
burst of colours that are
beamed throughout the
universe..
Mind bubbles are ordinarily
a shield against incoming
E-Motions that threaten to
overpower our senses, a
natural defense protecting
us against the crying towel..
But the almighty E-Motions
can overtake and pop a mind-
bubble if reason gets a little
mushy..
And once the dreaded E-Motions
break through..Watch out!
We will become a slop house
of sniveling snails slithering
slowly
And slow snails always slither
when they snivel unless you try
to be different and slither like
a lily liver..
But be of good cheer! There is
hope!
For $29.95 I'll send you a bottle
of Slitherless Slop!
It's an anti-butterfly immunological
crying towel vacine..
Just two teaspoons of our highly
potent tear duct glue and you'll
be to stuck to cry about it~

Heart,O Heart
Are you nuts?
First you say,
"Hurray!"
Then you say,
"No Way."
First you say,
"Just a piece of cake"
Then you say,
"I can't bake"
First you say,
"She is great"
Then you say,
"Not in my fate"
First you say,
"Hi!"
Then you get Shy.
First you say,
"She enjoys."
Then you say,
"I annoys."
First you try,
Then you cry.

Here I sit all crisp and sweet
Just waiting for our lips to meet
To feel you as you savour my juice
I know you’ll let my flavour loose

Sip me slowly and I will please
Your every sense I will tease
Flavour that will blow your mind
A new experience you’ll find

Lift me up and drink me dry
As you empty me I know you’ll sigh
Your fingers around my stem entwine
I so long to be your glass of wine

Ten little girlfriends looking so fine,
One obsessed with religious cults,
And then there were nine.
Nine little girlfriends going out so late,
The demons would attack one,
And then there were eight.
Eight little girlfriends searching for heaven,
One never told the truth,
And then there were seven.
Seven little girlfriends so full of tricks,
One wanted everything,
And then there were six.
Six little girlfriends were just so alive,
One sought perfection,
And then there were five.
Five little girlfriends always wanting more,
One desired money,
And then there were four.
Four little girlfriends couldn't agree,
One always argued,
And then there were three.
Three little girlfriends wouldn't pursue,
One couldn't leave the past,
And then there were two.
Two little girlfriends basking in the sun,
One couldn't cope with age,
And then there was one.
One little girlfriend had charm by the ton,
But he couldn't see it,
And then there was none.

Hi Pearl
WHERE'S THE RENT?
You don't have to raise your voice
YOU PAY NOW!
I can give you half
YOU PAY NOW, B@#$&!
Hey, don't talk to me like that, ok
I'M TIRED OF THIS CRAP!
Hey, I thought I was clear in my email that I need a couple weeks
I WORK TOO HARD
Can I just get two more weeks
I WANT MY MONEY
You need to relax
YOU'RE AN A@@#$%&
I WANT MY MONEY B@#$&!
Don't call me b@#$&, I'm a grown man!
B@#$& B@#$& B@#$&
You're mean
Don't make fun of me crying
YOU'LL BE EVICTED
I'm not doing so well Pearl
I PUT YOU ON THE STREETS
Pearl, I'm gonna pay you. I'm working three jobs right now
I'm working nights. I'm driving a cab
I'm inside right now with my buddy going over my resume
I'M GONNA SMACK YOU
Ok, you know what, you need to relax
I WANT MY MONEY!!
Why do you need your money so fast, come on
I NEED TO GET MY DRINK ON
You scare me. You're an alcoholic
CAN I HAVE FOUR BEERS?
Seriously, you're an alcoholic. Yeah, you're drunk, I knew it
You're already drunk
I'M JUST BUZZED
Look, you're in no condition to deal with this right now
I'M TAKING MY BEER
Just take your beer and get out of here ok
Yeah, we'll talk tomarrow
This isn't over
COME MOMMY

If Superman was fat,
Who would he be?
Maybe a pizza guy,
Or someone like me.

If Superman was sad,
How can we cheer him up?
Maybe bring a circus clown,
Or Morgan special brew tea in a cup.

If Superman was mad,
Who can save us from him?
Can we bring in Danny Davito,
Or me in my kryptonite spandex.

If Superman was a dad,
Won't have time to save the world,
With changing diapers and feeding,
Super babies in his pyjamas.

I once had a bag of monkeys
They were mostly well behaved
Until - one day - I took them to the racetrack
(Where quite a few of them escaped!)

One of them he
Went up a tree
And would not come down again
I waited for a long time
Until I could wait no longer
And I had to walk away

Another got onto a stable roof
And sat there taunting me
Then disappeared out of sight
(I heard him laugh with glee)

Then yet another
(Encouraged by the others)
Leaped from the sack
And made good his getaway

He jumped onto an old man's hat
And from there to a penciller's shoulder
Then hid inside a bookie's bag
(This only made him bolder)

(There were only a few left now
And they wanted to join their troupe)

"No way" (I said) "Settle down
That's enough mischief for today"
"Please" (they said) "Now let us out -
For we only want to play!"

"Maybe" (I said)
"But It seems that I
Cannot trust you lot at all-
Based on what I've seen today"

"Besides you've set my nerves on edge,
So now I need a beer -
(And by the way, am I the only one,
Who's thinking clearly here?")

"Fair enough" - the monkeys said
(As I took them to the bar)
"But can we have a drink as well-
As we have come this far?"

"It would seem fair" (I said to them)
"But you must be well behaved"
"We'll all be good" (they said to me)
"We will not act depraved"

"OK" (I said) "Then I'll let you out-
Though you'll all
Have to settle down -
And only two at a time"

"For two is company
And threes a crowd
(As you lot well know)
So come and gather round"

Cautiously I opened the bag
And let the first two monkeys out
Then cheekily (one said to me)
"I think it is your shout"

"Water for you two only" ( I told them)
"You're bad enough as it is -
And if you don't entirely mind
Sit there and mind your biz"

No sooner had they got their drinks
Then one it jumped the bar!
He grabbed a bottle of champagne
And poured it in a jar

Of course I tried to stop him quick
But soon he drank the lot
Then he smashed all of the glasses
And started throwing sh*t!

Well security - they threw him out,
And he wound up in the car park
(That was the last I saw of him -
Even though I sent a scout)

The other one sat on his bar stool
And quietly sipped his water
Then all of a sudden he jumped up
And stole a lady's fascinator!

He put the thing on his head
And then ran round and round
Then he was off and on the track
(They could not pin him down)

Now embarrassed I sat quiet
And stared into my beer
Then I said to the last one in the bag
"Why on Earth did I bring you here?"

The last monkey in the bag
Well, then he said to me:
"I cannot vouch for my friends-
So can you please now set me free?"

"Sure," I said "Your welcome now-
And trouble I can do without"
With that, I upended the bag
And that last monkey - he jumped out!

(Moral of the story?):
Don't take too many monkeys to the racetrack.


© lovecanbereal
All rights reserved

The rain is falling,
My head is spinning,
The train is arriving,
My mind is dreaming.



The rain is falling,
My body is shivering,
My eyes are drooping,
The weather is cooling,



The rain is falling,
The cats are barking,
The dogs are meowing,
And somewhere a baby is dancing!!



The rain is falling,
This is not happening,
My mum is shouting,
Tantrums at me for day-dreaming!!!



This world is changing,
People all around are starving,
Liars and cheaters are playing,
While the rain is still falling...