Humor Poems (1,868)

you're a bastard bastard, bastard bastard
bastard with a sting
A total bastard, bastard bastard, bastard bastard
bastard with a sting
Oh you bastard bastard, bastard bastard
bastard with a sting
Malicious bastard, bastard bastard, bastard bastard, bastard
bastard with a sting

A tank full of water, a bowl filled with pee,
I drank from the toilet and now I can't see.

I am a handle to hold what the mind enfolds
soft in a lovers ear or quiet as a mothers tear
i can draw you close or make you run in fear
I can be long or short or one or two or in the middle too
I am the same for me and you but not the same its true
because I am the things my friends call me too

When I slept at the end of the bed I knew I no longer wanted you

When you came to bed late every night I knew you no longer wanted me,

Passion spent and gone was the love we once knew

Yes this was meant to be

I now have the king size bed.


Haha .

LOVE ON THE NET?!


I feel alone in need of love
So I go to a site
Where they say they want the same
But my heart is feeling the strain

Dating Sites are getting me down
Their the hardest game in Town
Look for love
But end up alone

They want you to be honest
Then cut you off!
You send a smile
They send a frown!

Dating sites are getting me down
Their the hardest game in Town
Look for love
But end up alone

Walking on eggshells
One word wrong
They throw you out
And your still alone!

They want rich
But you are poor
You want sweet
But they turn sour!

Dating sites are getting me down
Their the hardest game in Town
Look for love
But end up alone...

Hi! I am La Dudester by name. I seek out to find
a woman of a diffferent woman. And when
somebody told her she was a woman she
must still be able to knock them out with
a frying pan..

Six days ago I fell into a ditch. The
fire department pulled me out, and while
I was crying they bought me an ice cream
cone for 40 cents. They only did that
because my mother is from Egypt.

I am a man of great adventure. I watch
duck in park.

Twelve times I dated a woman of a different name but she still refused to
give birth to my 13 babies.

I single handedly overthrew the government of an entire nation but my
X- girlfriend said, 'That I still wasen't
tough enough.'

I am a warrior. One day I rode a horse into battle at 300 miles an hour. They
never did find the horse.

I'm planning to take a trip to another
planet one day. My X- boss has given up
his life savings to make sure I get there.

This new woman I seek on the site must
be willing to sleep in the woods for five
years before we sign a prenuptial agreement.

I am La Dudester.

Come to my country this Thursday night
so we can stand out on the street and
watch a circus horse tear up the town.

I am La Dudester!

You can email me @ dip dip La dip dip.
Or call me on 897-563-2942-638-074-024
My country is waiting to take your call

Send me a bag of french fries along with
your bank account number, birth certificate, and the deed to all your personal property. Lol.

Separated by an ocean
We live on different shores
We share a common language
are you sure? I’m not so sure
On subjects purely factual
we have great communication
but when it comes to British humour
There is a failure in translation

When talking to an Aussie
If I kick his sacred cow
He will see that I am joking
Hear him laugh, watch him howl
but on topics of religion
You get quite irate
If I name your god as an Imaginary friend
The humour fails to translate

If my words upset you
It was not my intention to offend
But please just let me know just what I said
I may wish to offend you again
Now that was me just joking
I think you Americans are just great
You cant help being the way you are
It's just my humour that won't translate

Mistic meg what do you see when your glaze through me

As she takes my palm in her hand

Stares intensively

I furrow my brow thinking worriedly

" tis a dark haired man that will play games with your head

I'd. Never fall so stupidly

For dark haired man playing games with my head nor mystic Meg

I take my money off the table and run instead .


By K Frew.

A bard as Ancient as Macintosh...

The night wears a satin black,
with countless poker dots diamonds,

And in the morning sky,
change into a silky gold,
with fluffy laces of milky pearls,

I once summoned a frighten toad,
to fight a dancing Dragon,
with its webbed feet and tongue,
but fled when it's turn came,

Then I call my mum on my handphone,
she hang up coz I didn't pay her bills,
how can I dance on frozen butter,
while only wearing my Superman underwear?
And where is a shooting star when you need one?

Sit back ladies. Break out the popcorn and
soda, (or whatever you've been smoking,)
and contemplate this difinitive survey on
the insanity of men. Film at 11:00.
Are men really insane? Here are the results from the institute of 'What the freak was I thinking patholology.'
MEN!
1. Was your new CS date unable to come up
up with a viable passport proving you're
a legitimate member of the human species?
2. Did she have to sit on the couch watching you snivel like a whipped pup
because your favorite football team lost
the game?
3. Do you drink motor oil to prove you're
tough?
4. Does she get concerned when you wear your 44.magnum to church on Easter Sunday?
5. Did she become alarmed when she discovered
that there's no record of your existence?
6. Would she trust her children in the
presence of a man who still believes that
Elvis has been sighted on Mars?
7. Does her mother weep because her new
boy friend refuses to wear nothing but green socks?
8. Will her new boy friend summit to an
exorcism at the states expense?
9. When she says a word like 'sex,'to her
new CS date will you bring the car to a
screaching halt and strip naked on an
interstate highway?
10. Was she surprised when she came home
and found you wearing a pink dress simply
because you wanted to identify with Cinderella?
11. Does she fear that for some reason
Her new heart throb will eventually end
up in the witness protection program?
12. Did a red flag go up when she saw
You eat 63 hamburgers, 18 hotdogs, and
a warmed over reptile from the local zoo
at the family picknick?
13. Do you howl at the moon in some futile attempt to resurrect your inner
beast?
14. Does your mother wish she hand given
birth to a purple frog instead of you?
15. Have you told you how many people you
have buried in your basement?
16. Before you kissed her good night did
you require her to fill out a medical form
to verify that she wasn't suffering from
some mutant strain of leprosy?
17. Do animals laugh at you behind your back?
18. Do you have an inordinate affection
for eating all the photo's from the
album of your previous marriage?
19. Did she file a missing persons report
when you spent six days in the bathroom?
20. Did she ever wonder why 13 undercover
police vehicle's are always parked in your
driveway, and where you came up with the
$700,000 she found stuffed in your matress?
21. Does she get curious when every time she confronts you about
the 14 trash bags full of letters you've
received from the mental institution and
you keep in the shed?
There it is Ladies! If you can answer
yes to any of these questions then you've
got yourself a brand new boy friend! I'm
so happy for you. It doesn't get any better than this. Just email us. We've
got your man!
Cafe