Here is a list of Humor Poems. Read poetry, post your own poems or comments. Poems on these pages are copyrighted © by the authors who entered them. Click here to post a poem.
Nun of the Above
Secret desire
forbidden love
She said "Come to me,
I'm Nun of the Above"
forbidden love
She said "Come to me,
I'm Nun of the Above"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Sep 2020
About this poem:
some zesty word play ..Masks and the office
I can only just see his eyes over the mask
is he squinting? yeah its a death stare
I'm sure
and he could go for that highlighter pen any moment
I move a little uneasily but rotate my chair towards him
adjust my mask, showing no fear
we are now locked into this moment
I slowly reach for the stapler
never lose eye contact
tapping it on my thigh
I can see he's pondering the move
no way to up it easily
now he's fiddling with his phone
I have the edge
I wonder if we are still going to lunch :)
is he squinting? yeah its a death stare
I'm sure
and he could go for that highlighter pen any moment
I move a little uneasily but rotate my chair towards him
adjust my mask, showing no fear
we are now locked into this moment
I slowly reach for the stapler
never lose eye contact
tapping it on my thigh
I can see he's pondering the move
no way to up it easily
now he's fiddling with his phone
I have the edge
I wonder if we are still going to lunch :)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Aug 2020
About this poem:
Masks may introduce a new dynamic into the office hahaTowering Wino
It broke the silence of the afternoon
the lurch, the shout
tall dreams of a towering wino
A fermented chorus
rabid and spent
move on, move on
tall dreams of a towering wino
No choral occasion
a neighborhood rip
a candid case for official liaison
tall dreams of a towering wino
Passed my window, passed my gate
a distant dog to which he now relates
tall dreams of a towering wino
the lurch, the shout
tall dreams of a towering wino
A fermented chorus
rabid and spent
move on, move on
tall dreams of a towering wino
No choral occasion
a neighborhood rip
a candid case for official liaison
tall dreams of a towering wino
Passed my window, passed my gate
a distant dog to which he now relates
tall dreams of a towering wino
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Aug 2020
About this poem:
Don't dream about this guy :)
online today!Cow Attack
"What happened to your pickup seat? Is that buffalo track?"
Well, I guess you had to be there. We had a cow attack.
It all began when me and Roy went out to check the cows.
We'd finished lunch and washed our "soap" and forced ourselves to rouse.
We's pokin' through the heavy bunch for cows to take and check.
I spotted one but his 'ol mom was bowin' up her neck.
She pawed the ground and swung her head a-slingin' froth and spit.
Then bellered like a wounded bull. "Say, Roy," I says, "Let's git!"
But Roy was bent on taggin' him and thought to make a grab.
"Just drive up there besides the calf, "I'll pull him in the cab."
Oh, great. Another stroke of genius, of cowboy derring-do.
Sure-'nuff when Roy nabbed the calf, his mama came in, too.
And I do mean climbed up in there! Got a hoof behind the seat.
Punched a horn right through the windshield and she wasn't very neat.
She was blowin' stuff out of both ends till the cab was slick and green
It was on the floor and on the roof and on the cow vaccine.
If you've been inside a dryer at the local laundromat
With a bear and 50 horseshoes then you know just where I's at.
At one point she was sittin' up, just goin' for a ride
But then she tore the gun rack down.The calf went out my side.
I was fighting' with my door lock which she'd smashed a-passin'by
When she peeked up through the steering wheel and looked me in the eye.
We escaped like paratroopers out the window, landed clear.
But the cow just kept on drivin', 'cause the truck was still in gear.
She topped a hump and disappeared. The blinker light came on
But if she turned I never saw, by then the truck was gone.
I looked at Roy,"My truck is wrecked. My coveralls are soaked.
I'll probably never hear again. I think my elbow's broke.
"And look at you-yer pitiful. All crumpled up and stiff.
Like you been et by wild dogs and pooped over a cliff."
"But think about it," Roy said. "Since Grampa was alive,
I believe that that's the first time I've ever seen a cattle drive."
Well, I guess you had to be there. We had a cow attack.
It all began when me and Roy went out to check the cows.
We'd finished lunch and washed our "soap" and forced ourselves to rouse.
We's pokin' through the heavy bunch for cows to take and check.
I spotted one but his 'ol mom was bowin' up her neck.
She pawed the ground and swung her head a-slingin' froth and spit.
Then bellered like a wounded bull. "Say, Roy," I says, "Let's git!"
But Roy was bent on taggin' him and thought to make a grab.
"Just drive up there besides the calf, "I'll pull him in the cab."
Oh, great. Another stroke of genius, of cowboy derring-do.
Sure-'nuff when Roy nabbed the calf, his mama came in, too.
And I do mean climbed up in there! Got a hoof behind the seat.
Punched a horn right through the windshield and she wasn't very neat.
She was blowin' stuff out of both ends till the cab was slick and green
It was on the floor and on the roof and on the cow vaccine.
If you've been inside a dryer at the local laundromat
With a bear and 50 horseshoes then you know just where I's at.
At one point she was sittin' up, just goin' for a ride
But then she tore the gun rack down.The calf went out my side.
I was fighting' with my door lock which she'd smashed a-passin'by
When she peeked up through the steering wheel and looked me in the eye.
We escaped like paratroopers out the window, landed clear.
But the cow just kept on drivin', 'cause the truck was still in gear.
She topped a hump and disappeared. The blinker light came on
But if she turned I never saw, by then the truck was gone.
I looked at Roy,"My truck is wrecked. My coveralls are soaked.
I'll probably never hear again. I think my elbow's broke.
"And look at you-yer pitiful. All crumpled up and stiff.
Like you been et by wild dogs and pooped over a cliff."
"But think about it," Roy said. "Since Grampa was alive,
I believe that that's the first time I've ever seen a cattle drive."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jun 2020
About this poem:
A little bit of light-hearted humor and a smile for you all. :-) "Roy" is my cousin, and he did find the truck and was instructed to get it cleaned out- white glove style- Cost him a small fortune, but it was well worth it. He was also instructed to put leather scented air freshener in it. The windshield was replaced as well. The 'ol truck was sold to a 16 year old boy who had been dreaming of some wheels of his own. :-)
Driving Error
Driving Instructor: “why do you keep coming back Dave?”
David: “I want to pass”.
Driving Instructor: “you won’t pass unless you take the goddam test!”
David: “I’m not sure I’m ready”.
Driving Instructor: “I’ve spent more time driving with you than with my own kids in the last six months!”
David: “maybe another six months and I will go for it”.
Driving Instructor: “in six months I’ll be divorced!”
David: “what are you saying?”
Driving Instructor: “I’m saying you’re driving me crazy! You could write your own book on the rules of the road now get the hell out and take the damn test”.
David: “same time next week?”
Driving Instructor: “piss off! I’m insured to drive and not to be driven mad!”
David: “why are you rolling up your windows?”
Driving Instructor: “same reason I’m putting my foot on the accelerator!”
David: “your indicator is not on you’re not signaling appropriately from a takeoff position”.
(At which stage they give me the V-sign).
Driving Instructor: “Signal that!”
(With that they drive off as I ring another driving school!)
David: “I want to pass”.
Driving Instructor: “you won’t pass unless you take the goddam test!”
David: “I’m not sure I’m ready”.
Driving Instructor: “I’ve spent more time driving with you than with my own kids in the last six months!”
David: “maybe another six months and I will go for it”.
Driving Instructor: “in six months I’ll be divorced!”
David: “what are you saying?”
Driving Instructor: “I’m saying you’re driving me crazy! You could write your own book on the rules of the road now get the hell out and take the damn test”.
David: “same time next week?”
Driving Instructor: “piss off! I’m insured to drive and not to be driven mad!”
David: “why are you rolling up your windows?”
Driving Instructor: “same reason I’m putting my foot on the accelerator!”
David: “your indicator is not on you’re not signaling appropriately from a takeoff position”.
(At which stage they give me the V-sign).
Driving Instructor: “Signal that!”
(With that they drive off as I ring another driving school!)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Jun 2020
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~ Lie to Me ~
~ Lie To Me ~
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you care
Tell me that you want me for your life to share
Tell me that I am the only one and that you always will be true
Tell me all the things I want to hear, then I will lie to you
You are so beautiful and I want you so
You are so intelligent, of course this you surely know
You are the only one for me and I love you more each day
You have the body of a Goddess of this I can truly say
You chase all the passionate wanted men away
A lie can be a secret, one that you can regret
A lie can be big or small, it can put you into it’s never ending debt
A lie can grow & grow until it consumes you so
A lie can start out small but surely destructive grow
A lie can be a headache as surely as we live and breath
~ Tell me a lie ~
~ And I will tell you one to ~
~ Do you really care ~
~ I Do ~
Poet
JimEee
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you care
Tell me that you want me for your life to share
Tell me that I am the only one and that you always will be true
Tell me all the things I want to hear, then I will lie to you
You are so beautiful and I want you so
You are so intelligent, of course this you surely know
You are the only one for me and I love you more each day
You have the body of a Goddess of this I can truly say
You chase all the passionate wanted men away
A lie can be a secret, one that you can regret
A lie can be big or small, it can put you into it’s never ending debt
A lie can grow & grow until it consumes you so
A lie can start out small but surely destructive grow
A lie can be a headache as surely as we live and breath
~ Tell me a lie ~
~ And I will tell you one to ~
~ Do you really care ~
~ I Do ~
Poet
JimEee
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Oct 2018
About this poem:
Do you care?Now tell me ~ Don't Lie!
Lol
Night adventure
I had a dream
About a man with gentle eyes.
And during the night
I got so used to him.
He kept me tight.
It was so sweet with him all night.
He disappeared with the sunrise,
And I forgot to ask his name.
I still feel his hot lips
On my face
Whilst I was awake.
My dear friends
In case you meet him
In your dreams
Please ask his name
For me
About a man with gentle eyes.
And during the night
I got so used to him.
He kept me tight.
It was so sweet with him all night.
He disappeared with the sunrise,
And I forgot to ask his name.
I still feel his hot lips
On my face
Whilst I was awake.
My dear friends
In case you meet him
In your dreams
Please ask his name
For me
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2020
About this poem:
Just an attempt to write something funnyonline today!The Horse Clinician
"Are you teaching him a lesson?" She asked, eager to please,
As I tried to keep from barfing, my head between my knees.
"You hung on like a windsock! It just tickled us to death!"
Is she serious? I'm drooling, I can't hardly catch my breath.
"When you leaned yourself up forward and kissed him 'tween the ears,
The whole class just went crazy! I guess you heard the cheers!"
That must how I broke my nose and split my upper lip,
But I guess it looked like kissing', "I just love your horsemanship!"
"The way you tame the savage beast, the techniques that you're usin'".
When my tailbone hit the cantle, I felt my sphincter loosen.
"You reckon you could show us how you did it once again?
Be nice to get some photos." What? To show my next of kin?
I guess there goes my living will. I'm a victim of the forces.
The way this looks, I might as well be shoein horses.
"It was really so impressive, the way you made him load
At full gallop,sittin' backwards, from a way on down the road".
So that's how I hit the trailer, I think I lost a pound of flesh.
Thank goodness it was rusty and my tetanus shot was fresh.
"Could you show us that maneuver where you circled like a fan
With nothin' but your buckle touchin',
Holdin' out both your hands?"
Now where'd I put my Dramamine?
It was here the other day,
I'm feelin' kinda woozy,
Did Brannaman start out this way?
I thought it would be easy to be a horse clinician.
Now it's gonna take a miracle to explain this exhibition.
How I really was in full control, above the rising panic,
Though I looked like the propeller on the back of the Titanic!
"It's what I call the daisy," I modestly explained.
"It takes a master trainer to achieve what I've attained."
"You should concentrate on basics, skip the fancy stuff," I warned.
Besides, I thought, any gunsel can accidentally hook his buckle on the horn!
As I tried to keep from barfing, my head between my knees.
"You hung on like a windsock! It just tickled us to death!"
Is she serious? I'm drooling, I can't hardly catch my breath.
"When you leaned yourself up forward and kissed him 'tween the ears,
The whole class just went crazy! I guess you heard the cheers!"
That must how I broke my nose and split my upper lip,
But I guess it looked like kissing', "I just love your horsemanship!"
"The way you tame the savage beast, the techniques that you're usin'".
When my tailbone hit the cantle, I felt my sphincter loosen.
"You reckon you could show us how you did it once again?
Be nice to get some photos." What? To show my next of kin?
I guess there goes my living will. I'm a victim of the forces.
The way this looks, I might as well be shoein horses.
"It was really so impressive, the way you made him load
At full gallop,sittin' backwards, from a way on down the road".
So that's how I hit the trailer, I think I lost a pound of flesh.
Thank goodness it was rusty and my tetanus shot was fresh.
"Could you show us that maneuver where you circled like a fan
With nothin' but your buckle touchin',
Holdin' out both your hands?"
Now where'd I put my Dramamine?
It was here the other day,
I'm feelin' kinda woozy,
Did Brannaman start out this way?
I thought it would be easy to be a horse clinician.
Now it's gonna take a miracle to explain this exhibition.
How I really was in full control, above the rising panic,
Though I looked like the propeller on the back of the Titanic!
"It's what I call the daisy," I modestly explained.
"It takes a master trainer to achieve what I've attained."
"You should concentrate on basics, skip the fancy stuff," I warned.
Besides, I thought, any gunsel can accidentally hook his buckle on the horn!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2020
About this poem:
Last Fall my beloved and I went to go watch our neighbor who trains horses, and he recounted to us his feelings on the whole thing. This is a telling of his experience.
Ten Little Boyfriends
Ten little boyfriends looking so fine
One was obsessed with food and wine
Then there were nine.
Nine little boyfriends asked me for dates
One comes always so very late
Then there were eight.
Eight little boyfriends searching for heaven
One was dishonest, appearing nice even
So there were seven.
Seven little boyfriends learning varied tricks
One fell down and just got sick
Then there were six.
Six little boyfriends very much alive
One get addicted to dancing the jibe
And then there were five.
Five little boyfriends knocked at the door
One broke his head falling on the floor
And then there were four.
Four little boyfriends who loved the sea
One got drowned, so sad you see
And then there were three.
Three little boyfriends who were nice and true
One disappeared without any clue
And then there were two.
Two little boyfriends loving the sun
One caught cancer when his skin was burned
So there was one.
One little boyfriend oozing with charm
But too dangerous for anyone
And then there was none.
One was obsessed with food and wine
Then there were nine.
Nine little boyfriends asked me for dates
One comes always so very late
Then there were eight.
Eight little boyfriends searching for heaven
One was dishonest, appearing nice even
So there were seven.
Seven little boyfriends learning varied tricks
One fell down and just got sick
Then there were six.
Six little boyfriends very much alive
One get addicted to dancing the jibe
And then there were five.
Five little boyfriends knocked at the door
One broke his head falling on the floor
And then there were four.
Four little boyfriends who loved the sea
One got drowned, so sad you see
And then there were three.
Three little boyfriends who were nice and true
One disappeared without any clue
And then there were two.
Two little boyfriends loving the sun
One caught cancer when his skin was burned
So there was one.
One little boyfriend oozing with charm
But too dangerous for anyone
And then there was none.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Apr 2020
About this poem:
Just a fun poem based on TEN LITTLE INDIANS.Be-Twixed
She grabbed me round my thick long stem
I Began melting in her hand
She dragged me to her Dungeon cave
Where I was to obey her every command
She stripped away my golden rap
Gazing at me with desire
I was so scared and a virgin too
In my ecclesiastical attire
She pressed her luscious lips against me
Licking, nibbling with excitement and Glee
Submitting and surrendering myself to her
Biting paraphilia idiosyncrasy
She made me what I am today
Yet I am glad that I was born
An empty wrapper thrown away
Devoid of chocolate
all tattered and torn
I Began melting in her hand
She dragged me to her Dungeon cave
Where I was to obey her every command
She stripped away my golden rap
Gazing at me with desire
I was so scared and a virgin too
In my ecclesiastical attire
She pressed her luscious lips against me
Licking, nibbling with excitement and Glee
Submitting and surrendering myself to her
Biting paraphilia idiosyncrasy
She made me what I am today
Yet I am glad that I was born
An empty wrapper thrown away
Devoid of chocolate
all tattered and torn
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: May 2020
About this poem:
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