Humor Poems (1,868)

The sea looked inviting one hot summers day ,

So I took off my socks and made my way where ripples glistened in the sun,

My skin glowed like a hot cross bun,

I forgot to bring my speedo swimsuit

The guy in the water looked kinda cute,

As he rode the waves one by one

I wanted to join him

I had nn swimsuit this was no fun,

My body was melting in the miday day sun,

So Id swim in my knickers I had brought a spare one,

The surfer smiled as I made my way,

By peach on the beach.

THIS MAN
This man has fought a thousand battles......
And is still standing....
Has cried a thousand tears....
And still smiling....
Has been broken, Betrayed,
Abandoned, Rejected,
But still He is still walks proud...
Laughs loud, Lives without fear,
Love without doubt,
This man is handsome....
This man is humble..
This man is respectful..
This man is kind...
This man is loving...
This man is caring...
THIS MAN IS ME........

Roses are Red and so is Merlot....Your pretty awesome...Thought you should know

Time is money,
Money talks,
Talk is cheap,
Time means,
Nothing,
It seems...

Hello Sunshine

How are you doing today? guess you having a beautiful day? i feel so delighted and great going through your profile,it has

actually left a huge and exciting smile on my face and i think you are gonna make my week really special and great,I

wouldn't want to trade this smile,excitement and joy for anything, I am General William M. Moore by name, i am a very easy

going, sincere, honest,loving, caring, passionate and romantic man with an excellent sense of humor,I believes in opening

door for a woman and giving her the respect and commitment that she deserves. I am very family oriented and love children.

Some of the things I like to do are listening to music, going to the movies, the beach, hiking,fishing, sitting in a park,

stargazing and cookouts. I enjoy doing just about anything especially in the company of someone special. i hope we keep in

touch with one another.Age is in the mind, if two agrees to love and learn each other, it will be very easy, romantic, and

lovely. I look forward to seeing your message.

Cheers,
General William M. Moore

Sharing mussels can be whiskey

Women's translations
WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...
go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

Old mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
To fetch her dog a bone
When she got their
The cupboard was bare
So the dog gave her
A bone of his own

I wrote a song for “my girl” I thought
She got annoyed with one of the words I wrote
What I wrote it again became my thought
I didn't find anything wrong I wrote
I asked her, what is wrong in my thought
She answered, the meaning of the word I wrote
it again confused me with what I thought
I checked again the words which I wrote

Ooooh My God what I thought
Ooooh My God and what I wrote

“You are my faith” was the word I thought
but
“You are my fate” was the word I wrote

I realized why she got annoyed with my thought
Finally I got a letter with one line she wrote
“You stupid idiot” was the line I thought
But !!!
“ You people please guess what she wrote”.

i almost cried
bought a cheap
gas bottle
a friend was up visiting
said a neighbor moved out
gave it to him saying
its almost full
saying its three times
the size of the gas bottle
which you have there

how much do want for it i said
seeing a chance
of a bargain
30 euros he said
managed to get it
for 20 euros
telling him
i am taking a chance
it might not work
smiling into myself

got it back to the place
carried it around the back
got a jublie clip
connected them together
went in began putting on a fry
cooking away almost done
i turn
my niece walks in the door

she gives me one
awful push screaming
into flames
roaring saying
the place
is on fire
all the hairs
on my arms went up in smoke
caught a bucket of water
throwing it upon the flames
my hair catches fire
my niece
was roaring laughing
at this stage

ran around the back ripped
the gas bottle out of the wall
run in with another bucket of water
dousing the flames
ran to the barrel of water dipping my hand in
only now i am shaking with shock
that stupid gas bottle has just
cost me a clean fortune

should of known
it was to good to be true
put creams for burns on
had a sleepless night
but everything is ok
just have hairless arms
sick working at
repairing the damage

that is me
finished with gas bottles
my niece said she could
not help laughing
even i was in flames
she said it was the fastest
she ever saw me moving
with your hair on fire
it was like something out
of a movie

she said
it did not seem real
that she was shocked
stood and done nothing
my father today
began laughing

he said my arms
he never seen them
looking so smooth looking
a better job
than waxing he said
a mad story
from the hills
of donegal

imagine that
an idiot almost
blew himself up
laughing out loud
into myself ha ha