Humor Poems (1,868)

Our Venerable Bede
whos art has been stolen
righteous be thy name
Bernaccia will become
our kingdom and will be done
in Berwick as it is in Hebburn

Give us this day
our daily stotty
forgive us our drinking
as we forgive those who drink with us

Lead us not to the South
so as to deliver us from evil

Bernaccia is our kingdom
with pride in this story
and never shall we haver
Amen

Just for fun..

Ok ladies let us try to strive for a little more accuracy in
our profile descriptions.

REALITY CHECK LIST
____________________

1. A few extra pounds should mean..'a few extra pounds,' but when I see your photo, there you are laying on your kitchen counter 743pounds in a neon thong.

2. You say you're looking for a guy who is sweet and kind but each morning a priest must perform an exorcism on you before your morning breakfast.

3.You say you want a guy who is adventurous but you state that your idea of adventure is hopping down the interstate on a Pogo Stick blindfolded.

4.You want an emotionally healthy relationship but let it slip that the US Army kept you locked in a metal box for 13 years and you have an inordinate love for knives.

5.You want a guy who is 'fit', but you did one push up in the third
grade and that one almost killed you.

6. You want a 'drama free' relationship, which must mean that either you've been walking among the God's, or you simply are not from this planet.

7. You live 100 miles from me and tell me you do not do long distance relationships just to blow me off..but I read in the paper that you've married some head-hunter on Easter Island.

8. You say a man must be at least 5'11" or taller, but you are only 4'3".

9. You say you are not religious but you reveal that in fact you don't even believe in 'nothing yet.'

10. You say your children have 'left the nest', which makes me think I've been flirting with some species of bird.

11. You said that you rather enjoyed 'hunting men', but never revealed that it was with an AK47 assult rifle.

12. You say there's no way you'd go through having children again but would accept mine, which makes me wonder what you did with your children.lol.

13. You say material things don't matter much to you, but when you divorced your hubby you even got his gold tooth and contact lenses.
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

I want $
your money
your shirt
your shoes

I want $
what's left of
your union dues

I want $
your house
your car
your keys

I want $
to do as
I please

I want $
your land
the title
and deed

I want $
to feed
my need

I want $
to send you
on your way

I want $
to scream what
I have to say

I want $
everything I
can get

I want $
not to give
a spit

And when I $
take the dishes
the silver
and bowls

I want $
your miserable
soul~

Gold Digger Contract:
#1.'I Get It All'

#2. He Gets To Live
In The Woods

Signed, Mrs. Wonderful

Attorneys Signiture:
Slick Jack

Crazy Joe is what they called you
The toughest man in the city
Blunt and brash, you had your issues
Disputes you handled straightforwardly
You lied about your age you said
to fight the nation's battle
Truth was at fifteen you were wise enough
To find a place to leave your turmoil

Came home to broads and booze and jobs
At one time you had four
Bouncing at the local juke heads got knocked
And asses hit the floor
A man of men and pistol lover
No one ever crossed you doubly
You rifled birds perched on the carport
For crapping on your Caddy

Some say you had a mean streak
Were humorless and oh so serious
Your quiet scowls reserved for the the silly
You made no time for foolishness
With four college - learned daughters and
A spouse that worked within your home
You saved and paid and worked long days
Til foundry work was done

Ahhh, Crazy Joe, what can I say? I owe you
And I thank you for the lessons:
Pay your dues, speak the truth,
Know every day's a blessing
You're beautiful and will someday have any man for choosing
Take wise men over pretty and always do take care
To love him right. If you find he is abusing
Use your gift, the steel Kimber Bel Air

A dowager summoned her butler with some duress,
“Please Jeeves, come take off my dress,
Take off my petticoat,
Take off my bra.
For I know the man that you really are!
Please take off my panties,” she said with some yearning,
She knew that her butler was discreet and discerning.
“Yes Ma’am,” he answered with respect and with tact,
Finally she said in a language exact,
“Now if you wear my clothes again, you’ll be sacked!”

I'm having - no, taking - one of those days.
A 'don't give damn, knockin' visitors can stay
on the wrong side of the door, who cares
if the laundry and the dishes are pilin' up,
the dog can walk himself,
and the kids and their daddy
can get in that kitchen and figure out
how to stave off hunger'
kind of day.

Not to be confused with a lazy day:
that 'call in sick, do a bit here,
do even less over there, watch a little Tele,
paint my nails, finish my pedi, wash my hair,
take a nap in the middle of the afternoon,
wake up and have a glass of wine
while I wait on the pizza delivery, and
make an effort to not feel guilty'
kind of day.

No.

This kind of day takes sass and balls
to pull it off. An
unyielding, unbreakable resolve
and a silent, squint-eyed stare
that would make the devil himself
turn away and I'm giving it to anyone
in this house if asked whether I am
cooking, cleaning, taxi-ing, hosting,
homework helping, ironing,
listening, talking, answering my phone,
s3xing or sucking.
Not. Today.

On this kind of day, I have an attitude.
A 'why did I get married and have these
damn kids, what is wrong with the car now,
is that woman at the bank on crack,
did the grocery clerk keep my change,
did Trump really say that?'
series of moments that have
jerked my nerves so bad
I just want to shout,
"All y'all can kiss my rebel a$$!"

I quit.

On this kind of day I sip wine
from a big, blue plastic tumbler cup
behind a closed door
butt naked
with hair that defies gravity
while Lenny Kravitz and Tupac
rattle my bedroom windows.
If it lasts all night
and that man has to sleep on the couch
and those kids have to tuck themselves in
and the dog camps out in the hallway
like a doting parent and
I missed my mother's call -
Oh well.

It's only for today.

you ask me to post a photo
so you can see my face
it's the only thing you don't know,
so you say, while in this place.
i say you can see me
if you'll remember all my words.
close your eyes, imagine "free"
my smile is a flock of birds
flying in formation, teeth aligned, pretty.
my nose is small and fits my face
neither wide nor fine, just right.
almond-shaped eyes with irises uniquely colored brown.
in the light you see them when clear
stream water flows over amber, dark and round.
with high cheek bones, chiseled lips,
skin of reddish hue and coiled hair.
i am a cutie, a buxom beauty
of good breeding and without a care.
so know that when you exchange with me
and send that email from your box
approach me like a friend, gleefully,
let’s share happy thoughts!

"You Can't Fix Stupid" is a valid conclusion from comedian Ron White
overwhelming proof witnessed convinced me he's absolutely right
Of all that is broken in life maybe most likely irreparable is humanity
repudiate if you must but human behavior is succumbing to insanity

Belittling others masks displeasure with oneself and it's easier to do on-line
like a child you punish by denying CANDY... responses turn into whine
I don't like humans much because they're so FAKE and morally sinking
fully trust I cannot knowing deceiving has become easier than blinking

I too ascertained because one is educated doesn't mean they're intelligent
academics instantly display arrogance but the intellect is less than evident
THE LEFT is all the reason needed to believe "You Can't Fix Stupid"
constant lying nonsense they exhaust isn't symbolic of anything lucid

People dodge reality while unconditionally worshipping an unfounded being
believers and opponents argue their side which always results in disagreeing
"People Can't Handle The Truth" and why they choose not to I understand
some likely deem my writes "Stupid" but behind everyone I firmly stand

Stupidity permeates our world and a huge majority falls out of peoples yap
we mustn't give up on "Fixing Stupid"...maybe 'Watson' will create an App

The middle of the afternoon
a little after 3
came a knock upon my door
Christ the local MP

he seemed a little tentative
for a political representative
elitist defender
capitalist bender
cast-iron compromise
the party's man on the rise
Vote me this September

steeped in worthy provenance
a man of vital consequence
but I didn't give an inch
clipped idiom of the bearer
zeitgeist of a naval era
Vote me this September

He said some names would be handy
I said Kenneth Zenith and randy Mandy
and when she's sober her sister Brandy
all things considered life's rather dandy
Looking fine for September

He caught the whiff of false intent
left a card and duly went
will surprise him when I finally tender
a vote for him come this September

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Woman: "I'm not interested in casual sex."

Dangerfield: "Alright, I'll keep my tie on."

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"