A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Woman: "I'm not interested in casual sex."

Dangerfield: "Alright, I'll keep my tie on."

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright, you're ugly too!"