Humor Poems (1,868)

What's your "Southern" Sign? Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and it has become obvious that what we need are some Southern symbols to break up the monotony of those danged 'ol other astrological signs.

OKRA (Dec 22- Jan 20)- although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. OKRAS have tremendous influence. An older OKRA can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from MOON PIES.

CHITLIN (Jan 21- Feb 19)- Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with CATFISH and OKRA.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20- March 20)- You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21- Apr 20)- You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance on Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in you. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics or yoga. Or-maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21- May 21)- When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22-Jun21)- Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to not be attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22- July 21)- Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get into the 'Melting pot" of life and share the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists and baseball managers. As fas as your personal life goes. stay away from Moon Pie. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 22-August 21)- Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart. Although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (August 22- Sept 21)- Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think of joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon, butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all those things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS ( Sept 22-Oct 21)- You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best- may find that your personality is too salty, and their criticism may affect you deeply because you are much more softer and sensitive than you may appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a way, you live a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 22-Nov 21)- Always invite a Butter Bean because they get along well with everyone. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. However, you too, should avoid Moon Pies.

Astrology is one of those wonderful pseudo-sciences like naturopathy or cattle futures that anyone with an imagination can rapidly become an expert in. If there is some question which sign you were born under, just ask a friend. I present these to you.

OKRA- People born under the sign of Okra are slippery, smooth-talking' and slick. Without self-restraint they can slide right over on their face. Okras make good molasses salesmen.

HOLSTEIN CROSSES - These folks start out slow, never look like much but like the sure and steady tortoise, often finish first in the race to everyone's surprise! Feed bosses and second sons fall under this sign.

COYOTE- Never one to hide from responsibility, they run from it! You hear them, you find their tracks, but they're seldom seen. They eat the crusty end off a loaf of bread, the fat off ham and fried shrimp tails. You can find Coyotes migrating every fall from Wyoming ranches to Arizona feedlots.

FLASHING BEER SIGN- People found under this sign are steady, bright and occasionally incoherent. They gather wisdom and glow. Then they display it in a blinking neon blizzard. Often you will find nutritionists, veterinarians and economists in this category.

ARCADE SPACE INVADERS-Space Invaders are born self-assured. This confidence comes from always knowing what color socks they have on and their current bank balance. They have very little patience with Coyotes and Dice. A.S.Invaders make excellent bankers and wives.

DICE- As you may have guessed, these people have a tendency to leap without looking, buy beachfront property in Saskatchewan and flip for the tab. However, as long as they're winning, we seen them as glamorous. Most DICE feed cattle.

MOUNT RUSHMORE-Individuals born under this sign spend much time gathering and accumulating knowledge. They can be very helpful but tend to be idealistic in solving problems. "Rushes" make good county agents, graduate students and columnists.

CATTLE GUARDS-Usually strong, stubborn and level-headed, they get run over regularly by Space Invaders, Dice, Okra, Holstein Crosses, Coyotes, Rushes, and Flashing Beer Signs.Oh, heck, they get run over by everybody! A large number of CATTLE GUARDS wind up ranching.

where are my glasses?

aha! at last I found you

sitting on my nose

Goody Mcgordy also know as shorty
Had a sporty car
His girlfriend was Sandra Mcfana also known as Hannah
Had a little guitar

So Shorty and Hannah went to Montana
To play in a rockin band
Swore he'd never leave her, but then he met Rita Mcfever
And there was a sudden change of plans

So Shorty and Rita and viva las vegas fast as they can
The top was down didn't take long to get a tan
With the radio on Rita knew that Shorty was an Elvis fan
In vegas just a little while Shorty became a gambling man

He lost everything he lost Hannah and Rita
And even his sporty car
He can't get a ride walking in the desert and late in the evening
He stumbled across little pieces of a little guitar

I've been asked to write about Ireland, well, what can I say?, it's wonderful, filled with beauty and charm, tis true, we've got Guinness and something more, that we just can't ignore, we have Presidents come from the USA , no no let me rephrase, we SENT Presidents to the USA should I say, and they always come back to thank us, just like Barack(?????), Ronald came, so did John, (F Kennedy), Clinton and Bush, seems like when they get elected they are in a rush, to come back home, see the old sod, we give them the nod, well done, my son, and we tell them, remember you are Irish, remember who you are, take it to the limit, take it far!!!

A bear walked into a bar and said can I have a cola and a…..........whisky
The bar tender says "What's with the big paws?"

A man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks… Sits down looking astonished. The bear says “What’s the matter, you never saw a bear serving drinks? “ The man says “It’s not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place.”

So, the apples didn't grow this year?,Does it matter anyway, lose the fear, you can never ever stay here, the apples will reappear, when you are gone, but,,,,,,,,,,,,, you WILL be near, because you never really disappear, and all your love will not be lost, because there is no cost, no price to pay, let me just say, your apple tart, will ALWAYS remain within my heart, because I KNOW you meant to please,,, UNFORTUNATELY, those damm tarts gave me coronary disease, so, I'll just go,, still love you, so you know.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Q: What do you call a bear without ears?
A: B
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey!


there may have never been a Misson
there may have never been a Libertalia
but here's to the sea raider's legend
down there in Madagascar
on the edge of the map
a sea dog utopia
under a white flag
where they once cried
for God and Liberty!
and all men took equal
in the spoils
privateers, one and all
will we join them in mind
over the ocean's crests
we sail poets!!

What good are all your millions Joe, if you have to pee and you can’t go!

Close to dawn well before

the first slivers of sun

you already foresaw

with a shiver of glee

what a wonderful day

it was going to be


so why do a repeat?


Because towards twilight

there'll be double-delight

in the proof that you were

indisputably right !