Struggles within...
I sit and ponder… think too much, but never think out loud. Swirling thoughts and emotions surging through my being as I refuse my self a morsel to eat,I hunger… I always have, but now to feed my soul.
Trying to re-connect with myself, my body trembling my feet so cold, I am frowning because never have I felt so desperately alone. My tormented soul recaptures memories; of joy but also pain, I’ve tried on this journey of life to never make the same mistakes over again.
I have loved and lost so many times and I’m weary of wanting any more, fearful heart…If only I could beat myself and ease my sense of guilt, imperfect is what I am… I admit, I f*&ked up AGAIN!
But I allowed my heart the freedom to love another, one more time, I didn’t plan it this way.
I tried to keep all my promises, but I just could not make-believe that I never needed any more than this. I long for some comfort but no happy thought will come, I toss and turn at night, then send out love and hope that I can fall asleep this time.
I wish I could feel the love or believe that I am even worthy…I awake each day to face more hours of agony as I struggle through this time…
No peace will come, I feel too small, painfully aware and trying not to loathe myself…Life wasn’t always this hard?
But every time I try to pick it up, just like sea sand, it runs away through my clutching hand.
I thought I was getting closer, But I threw it all away. Yes, I throw it all away…like throwing faces at the stars… like throwing arms around yesterday.
Comments (21)
:)
hmmm speaks volumes about my attention span ...
I think I need a chocolate ,it helps me concentrate ...but enough about you, lets talk about me...
hope you are making special plans for then...
I have expressed myself a little here, to be creative helps...
thank you for your comments and insight
Or maybe would just make it worse, would feel more guilty then,
are you waiting alone for someone to make a decision? are you assuming the worst will come of it. perhaps this will be exactly the right life changing event.
Just so down in the dumps, my heart is heavy.
I may have faked it all this time with positive attitude, when am I going to make it?
I know I need to be patient... I am still trying
If I could just be a better person, I would smile again... I'm trying
Was kind to myself again and will keep plodding along,
YOUR WORDS...
if only i could be a better person maybe i "could" smile more..
(or something like that)
MY WORDS ...
if only you were a happier person you "would" smile more.
You know tange, we all wear a mask,which is a good thing at times but only on condition we don't wear it so well we forget how to let it down every once in awhile for others to see YOUR human too
There's always the one, more so then others
Have you perhaps considered that everything in life is perfect ? and that you perhaps had to experience what you are experiencing?
There is a beautiful little book called "the prophet" by Kahlil Gibrhan (something you could read sitting on the toilet in one session)and it is not about religion but about the polarities of life. Try and read it sometime. I know when we hurt, we cannot see the perfection in a situation and our hearts are filled with pain and loneliness and we ask ourselves...how the hell can that be perfect ? It is only with time, that we can look back and see the perfection. Sometimes people do us a favor by piddling on our batteries.
I sense you are a strong person under all the emotional pain but do yourself a favour and don't try and give up everything all at once. And try and get to the gym...it saved my life. "When the night is at it's darkest, the dawn is at it's closest" There are many awesome people out there and we just have to give them a chance in life.....we are so quick to write off people because they do not fit our preconceived idea of what an awesome human being would be.
Take care Tangerino and I send you a big South African hug
May you find the comfort that you seek, and the peace that surpasses all understanding. For you are a person of great value and worth, who is worthy of love and respect.
God bless! Serendipity