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the evolution of me. this is prompted by a blog here. i'm mainly writing about my experience which will differ from most. i will preface by stating that i have been in long term relationships, marriage, etc. that resulted in making personal sacrifices that i found not very beneficial to my self esteem or finances.

there is give and take in relationships, sometimes the taking keeps taking while what is left to give becomes limited to none. sure, i just didn't meet the right person. is there a right person? of course, we all want to believe that.

then there is the natural sex drive. sure, there is m**turbation, until the "right person" comes along. or, there is the wrong person who woos and awakens the romantic side, making love the motivation for the permission for making love, not sex.

i know myself, and i know i'm a sucker for being the object for sweet notes and fantasies. it would seem, the lower i felt, the easier i was to cave to a man's desires. that "special" feeling that opens legs wide and turns lust into commitment.

not these days. today, i look at sex the same way as any other activity. i find sex fun. i've learned that i don't have to log time with a man to validate the act. if there is attraction, why not? the friend with benefit keeps me fit and although there is give and take, it is only for the simple act of sex. when the event is over, i can go back to my life, and enjoy life on my terms. i'm sure many would find this selfish. i've always been selfish with my time. small doses of people is about all i can handle. i'm not selfish with much of anything else. if i'm eating and someone is hungry, i'll share. if someone needs a few bucks and i have a few bucks to give, i'll give it.

i am always changing. i won't ever be who i was years ago and i won't be the same tomorrow as i am today. i don't expect my friend to be in it for the long haul but we offer the physical contact to meet needs that are otherwise left wanting.

that's about it for now, folks.

ok, i will be bold with this one...because i think i might not be alone.

it wasn't until very recently, i have overcome the terror of seeing the man part up close and personal. in the past, it was a comfort that the man part hid nicely in my woman part. i chose to keep the man parts a mystery. i barely could look at them. they are so different from my own. now, i never really examined my parts either. they're in an out of the way place unless a mirror is in hand.

i have been exploring sex because, i'm a natural tourist. i've traveled places without a guide and learned a lot about myself and the places i've been. it only makes sense that i take this approach with the human body.

i did get the jitters, while investigating the male topography. like walking in a strange neighborhood, it's a little scary. i did manage to find a very good tour guide who encouraged me to embrace his member, allowing me to take more of a scientific approach. knowledge is power, i have heard and now believe. i have been intimate in the past but my guide coaxed me into being an intimate observer of the wonders of man. what i once found uncomfortably odd, i now find rather attractive, even beautiful. his form is no longer a mythical sea monster that i should cover my eyes and scream at the sight of. rather, i am in ah(a pun) at it's amazing shape-shifting abilities.

my guide also encouraged me to shave the lady parts. this act revealed an intimate relationship with myself. i have never been comfortable with my parts, thinking they are as odd looking as the very different man parts. after shaving away the shroud of mystery, i was able to really look at my parts, as a scientist would. i am now more comfortable with places generally closed to the public.

to assist in my mantra "knowledge is power", i casually am an armchair tourist of both man and woman parts. this has taken away the adjective "odd" and replaced it with "amazing".

the human body is a natural wonder. i urge people to get their passport stamped.

hello,
it's been a few weeks since i've been on. i finally got a wifi provider but as you've heard, you get what you pay for. i'm trying to stream a movie that has frequent pauses to load during the evening, leaving me the opportunity to post in the pauses.

i was fortunate to find a job while my present job winds down. the doors are expected to close, forever, in 8 weeks. i'm feeling a bit sad that it will end. i finally thought this may be my last job. it wasn't easy to find work and i feel so happy to have something lined up. the thought of going on unemployment and the red tape that is attached was not desirable at all. it was pure timing and chance. the opportunity snuck up on me and i got it without much time to worry.

i will say farewell to my Very Reliable Associate and this also makes me sad. life goes on. life just keeps going on and on and on...like it or not.

it's almost a summer's night
the green has populated the barren earth, extending
vines, curling and crawling
unkempt weeds are blooming, falsifying beauty
while the flowers are still birthing from stems, growing
there is the cold incense burning, under rays, spreading
cut grass, glowing, in nostrils, flaring
it's almost a summer's night
premature improvements, anticipating
gatherings, of friends, outdoors, beers pouring
fires burning, meat cooking on coals, glowing
smoke delivering, making mouths water, noses sniffing
windows open, revealing indoor sounds, outdoors
bare legs are vulnerable to razors and bugs, biting
it's almost a summer's night

I have been pondering and reflecting on life. How the different elements mingle and swirl, forever being connected. How something I thought was scary or weird, well, I've discovered a new appreciation.

I will tell you about my thoughts on what I always thought was strange and scary.

It's understandable that one might be frightened if not informed. Knowledge sheds light on mysterious things. There is a thing that I didn't have much knowledge of. From what I'd seen in pictures, no two were alike and likewise for good looks. Then, I thought to myself, what if I have a similar shape, hidden. How amazing is that? I'm always surprised to watch an object change before my wide eyes. Nature is truly astounding. To think, I have been formed to fit an other person. Isn't that mind-blowing?

Being female, I don't know what this thing likes. I have been fortunate to meet someone who candidly suggests and coaches me in the art. As if I have a sculpture in my hand, I stroke it, feeling the smoothness. I examine it while tracing every curve. It's not ugly at all. It's beginning to grow on me

to be continued

Although it’s in the 30’s in my house, it’s the mid 40’s outside with the sun shining. I still have gas so I’ve brewed coffee on the stove and washed 3 pairs of pants and a dress in my bathtub. Hopefully 1 item will be dry by 2pm. I’ll do another load shortly. I feel a little optimistic having something clean to wear to work.

I’ll make some eggs soon and rest until duty calls.

I feel like a pioneer

I've been experiencing the feeling of the past. I can't identify the moment except that it is a good feeling. It's like the air is alive. I smell scents of the outside, this old home's bones breathing. I remember first coming to PA with so many hopes and dreams. I thought I had found my partner for life.

I don't have sad feelings. I put on a pair of shorts and a tank top, triggering days outside camping or kayaking. I can feel the wet sand under my feet. I imagine taking my kayak and placing it on the water. The coffee pot on the stove triggers memories of the first cup, in the woods of a campground in New Jersey. Our tent collecting insects and inchworms. I remember laying in the sleeping bag, watching the slow movement of an upsidedown worm traveling on the roof, silhouetted by the sunlight behind the nylon.

Not all triggers are bad.

My Garage ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

My first Mercedes .....

2003

I’m bingeing on TV. I watched a favorite movie “Used Cars”. I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, not in my bath tub. I have WiFi! The artificial light has improved my mood and the furnace has warmed my hands up.

Tonight I will shower and climb into a clean bed-my reward for paying this bill.

Ive had power fo 24 hours. Did some tidying in the house. I looked at my efficient coffee maker and then looked at the coffee pot on the stove. I was thinking “there’s nothing as good as camp coffee” so i made a pot. A little luxury with a little fond memories

I tent camped 21 days while looking for the house i live in. A lot of painful memories since. This cup of coffee is a reward for surviving to this point. I may box the electric pot up.