Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Last Commented, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
In a world where you can be anything - be kind
The heading, and the following, are Facebook philosophies picked up today - it may be just my timeline, but there's a faint trend towards optimism after long months of depression, fatalism, or anger. Instead of scraping flaking horrible (really horrible) green paint off a ceiling before painting it, I'm sharing a few that I liked
People who show you new music are important.
**
My mum as a mum - you get what you get, deal with it
My mum as a grandmother - do you want your sandwich cut into hearts or stars, sweetheart?
**
When life is stressful, go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles. Maybe change your name.
**
A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
**
You'll never get anywhere if you keep stopping to throw stones at the dogs that bark at you
**
I just saved 100% on stress by switching to not giving a fcuk
**
Also this made me grin - the 3 voices in writing -
Active voice - you ate 6 donuts
Passive voice - 6 donuts were eaten by you
Passive-aggressive voice - you ate 6 donuts and I didn't get any. Don't worry, it's cool. I can see donuts are very important to you.
Rumour has it today is Friday. Have a good one
People who show you new music are important.
**
My mum as a mum - you get what you get, deal with it
My mum as a grandmother - do you want your sandwich cut into hearts or stars, sweetheart?
**
When life is stressful, go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles. Maybe change your name.
**
A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
**
You'll never get anywhere if you keep stopping to throw stones at the dogs that bark at you
**
I just saved 100% on stress by switching to not giving a fcuk
**
Also this made me grin - the 3 voices in writing -
Active voice - you ate 6 donuts
Passive voice - 6 donuts were eaten by you
Passive-aggressive voice - you ate 6 donuts and I didn't get any. Don't worry, it's cool. I can see donuts are very important to you.
Rumour has it today is Friday. Have a good one
Hot date tonight ?
Be careful of those.....smouldering desires
you may get burnt and be fuming later.
Looking for a Job in Florida
Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to
take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed
to be far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and
had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three
times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."
She starts work in the morning.
take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed
to be far too qualified for the job.
She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and
had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three
times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."
She starts work in the morning.
The FBI agent
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, “Go into that room and kill your wife.”
The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.
Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.
“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”
The guy says, “No way” and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job and he too refuses.
Finally, the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. “What happened?” asks the FBI agent.
“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill her with the chair!”
Is your partner lazy?
My wife is so lazy, every time I go to have a pee in the sink, it´s full of dirty dishes. What should I do with her?
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Blind Dating 101 with Rodney Dangerfield
How bad could a blind date with Rodney Dangerfield go? Within the first 5 minutes, Rodney asks his date to scratch his back, eats off another table’s plate and interrupts his date to order his meal first. When asked how he’d like his steak, Rodney replies... “Big”.
SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy: they
baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue after they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures, so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy: they
baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue after they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Understanding Engineers
Understanding Engineers #1:
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2:
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
And finally:
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2:
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”
Understanding Engineers #6:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #7:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
And finally:
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
Simple Math Problem
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"...............
Johnny: "Seven."............................
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"...............
Johnny: "Seven."..........................
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?".................
Johnny: "Six." ........................
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" ....................
Johnny: "Seven!" ...................
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" .........................
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Johnny: "Seven."............................
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"...............
Johnny: "Seven."..........................
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?".................
Johnny: "Six." ........................
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" ....................
Johnny: "Seven!" ...................
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" .........................
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
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