Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

Scanning some new profiles, I see a woman who claims to have a masters degree states twice on her profile:
"fell free to text me up thank you very much"

Fell free...

What is standing in a puddle of water with red legs?
Due to a maximum of 4000 letters it comes in parts.
Part one.
It was one of these days, you wake up and don´t really know if you are going through with it.
Pure group pressure makes you slowly, very slowly crawl out of the bed and attack the alarm clock.
Why oh why did I promise to go on this trip!
After a breakfast consisting of some orange juice and a Danish left over from yesterday the packing started.
15 minutes later all ready to go standing in the rain 4 am an early April morning
45 wet minutes later my friends show up. “where the hell have you been” I shouted.
“Oh well, it was this old man with a hat who was in front of us” said Jimmy, the instigator of this trip.
Peter the third member of the ragged group had his head entangled in the seatbelt sleeping deeply.
Probably because of the slow motion.
After tossing my stuff in the already full trunk we got on our merry way.
Now when the hat man was out of the way we manage to pick up time and a lot of bugs and one poor bird.
8 hours and a few piss stops later we where in the country of my breakfast.
Back then you had to take a ferry and also go through customs.
This always created debate with customs officers if it was illegal to bring in several thousands of fly babies.
The look on people’s faces when they searched our stuff and found the maggots was always hilarious.
With a reprimand consisting of “Never do this again” of we went in search of the endangered species that we had travelled so far to find.
After some island jumping finally we reached our first target.
Standing at the shore we gazed upon the small island out in the bay about 200 meters offshore, realising that a boat would have been good to bring along.
Lucky enough we had a chart and it stated that the depth was not great.
So burdened down, we stumbled our way across the shallows, tripping now and then on the algae covered stones.
What 20 minutes of icy water does to you lower extremities any one can figure out.
“Now what” I said. “We have to go to the other side of the island, that´s where the ponds are” said Jimmy.
“You go first” he said looking kind of mysterious.
Not thinking much about it I was happily strutting away picking up body heat and having my face buried in the map.
A short distance in to the pretty dense woods I hear a very heavy sigh to my right.
I don´t know who was most surprised me or the Buffalo.
Staring at each other from 2 meters away for what felt like an eternity.
I managed not to bow my head in respect and slowly retreated.
My friends for some reason had abandoned their stuff and was trying to break the land speed record getting back to the shore.
After catching up I put on my fearsome face and asked Jimmy what was going on.
He had failed to inform us upon the fact that this island was a game reserve and they had brought a heard of Buffalos in the late 1800s to this island.
Causing it to be sparsely visited.

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled.

"No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor.

"No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"

BONUS:
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

As a kid, I had friends who would trade things. For example, baseball cards, marbles, 45rpm records.

In the 70's, I was in a band with a guitarist who had a faulty guitar and it was affecting our ability to (as a band) to make money. We came off a tour of Canada and I went with him to a music store to buy a Fender Stratocaster. He tried all of the ones in the store before settling on a black one with a rosewood fingerboard. His mom helped him buy a house and the money made from music was barely enough to pay the mortgage. The plan was I'd buy the guitar and he would repay me with a portion of gig money. That didn't happen and I ended up with the guitar.

I'm left-handed and it was a right handed guitar. I know it didn't stop Jimi Hendrix from playing one upside down but another guitarist wanted it and offered to trade a reel-to-reel tape recorder so I accepted.

I'm more inclined to give things away and not trade for something.

I don't follow sports, but I hear in the news all the time about sports players being traded to other teams. Depending on the perspective, I guess it's a good and bad thing.

As part of my job, I do have to negotiate with clients, general contractors, associates and upper management. There is always a give and take to make things work.
Yesterday, I had a meeting with a client and contractor about my cabinets in the bathroom and how the designer wants the walls wrapped in tile. I didn't like the way it was planned. The contractor agreed. I gave-in to include full panels (instead of fillers) where my cabinetry meets the wall. It's more material but an easier installation for both my company and the tile installer. Win-Win.
I wanted a design change in another area of the house and they went along with my request. Fair trade.

So this month, long-time member Harb who is on permanent bad returns. Similar to a cat with 9 lives, but it doesn't take long for administration to find out and pull the plug on his alias... POOF !! he's gone... again.

I always thought he was entertaining with his sarcastic humor. Lots of banter, even if he did cross the line with some members. A ban is a ban with no hope of parole.
Honestly, he does much better for CS than lots of other members. Often, if there's a change to be made, people will sign a petition in hopes of creating a change. Workers to a boss, citizens to a government. Michael Cohen traded some information to get his sentence reduced. Different examples all parts attempting a trade.

Let's suggest a trade to management. I could think of a handful bitter/angry members who could be easily traded for the return of one Harb. Kinda like a prisoner trade to a foreign government.

I'll trade ya... what a great idea !!

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid,

she becomes a Def Leppard....

He ain't heavy... He's only blubber.
I should have teamed up with Al Yankovic doing parodies.
For years my band mates would intentionally use the wrong lyrics, just for fun!




This video credits Elton John for piano.
I need to research that as I didn't know he was in The Hollies.
I know Graham Nash was in The Hollies, but I believe he joined the group later on.
More music research.

Who will be the Globes leader?

April 2020, France's 42-year-old president, Emmanuel Macron, who has faced many challenges governing his country, was positioning himself to take over the mantle of global leadership long reserved to the older leaders of China, Russia or especially the United States. And right now, he has no real challengers.

Personally I thought Trudeau of Canada was also a contender but I think he has lost it. Trump was a contender but was found too outspoken or considered a loose cannon. Biden is at the moment just a puppet so he is out too.
Believe it or not, from playing the piano with his d!ck to standing up to Russians, current Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is/was a jockey in the until Putin kicked his a$$.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her
Why are you Crying...........................
what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't understand
nor remember
where I am living now..

The smell of my fingers after eating peel & eat shrimp is enough to make me wash my hands at least 5 times and if it lingers, I'll add a few rounds with alcohol.
I doubt other people resort to this... but that's the way I'm wired.

Told my kids I never want to live in a vegative state
So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.