Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

I have recently discovered my hidden artistic talent.

If anybody would like portraits of their pets done, just pm me for details.

Act quick because Christmas orders are filling up fast!!

I went to make an ooey gooey cheese sauce because a good sauce can be used to make many things taste better. I watched a you tube video for an easy sauce using 1 teaspoon of sodium citrate in broth. I don't know what sodium citrate is but I bought it and tried twice to make this easy cheese sauce. I only made an ugly cheese glob, a very tasty glob mind you. Not experimenting with that sodium citrate anymore.

My bro and BFF that he married both love dill pickles so I wanted to coat pickles in cheese and fry them - that didn't turn out so good either. I should be able to make taco shells from cheese but what I end up making is NOT a taco shell dammit. Whatever my end result is, it is edible and tasty but not a crunchy taco shell.

A taco truck was hanging out for months in front of my community and the other day I decided after 8 months on not eating anything processed - I was going to stop at that taco truck on my way home and buy a taco. When I got home - the truck was gone, had no clue it was going to move or where it went. I was having a bad day that day.

I'm on a mission to eat a really good taco.

From The New Yorker;

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." .........
:
He came up with that name quick

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.

Literally every single thing in this video is true. Obviously, the entire thing is passive aggressive, but it’s so true.

Watch David Hookstead:

FOXITIS This is the new bug, that has been around for some time.

Just to think of Foxitis makes me laugh..

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, my hearts dearest etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.' The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped out.....of. my mind about 10 years ago,he is a moron. and I'dont care. To..ask this cranky old Dum...Dum...what his name is

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse ... phoned'

I love color changes. Right now I'm in love with pink before pink it was blue and before that green.

Out of the blue a few weeks ago I just decided one day to have the lower half of my hair painted pink. It was supposed to be temporary color but my girlfriend accidentally got permament. My only regret is I didn't take my dog so she didn't get her tail painted pink, dammit.

I put the picture on FB and got a ton of positive comments - usually a picture of Bella gets way more comments of me but the pink hair did it for me. I live in an older community and I don't think most of the residents like it but I don't give a hoot - I love it and it's all about me in my own world.

It's not a subtle pink it's shocking pink. I love all the colors people are wearing. I'm not sure my boss would have let me get away with it. I know my Dad would have fussed at me if he had half his mind back. My son loves it so that's cool.

I happen to love the shock factor every time someone sees me that hasn't seen me in awhile. My friends expect this of me, my neighbors not so much.