Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Last Commented, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
CDC reacts to Mike Pence
Fom The New Yorker;
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
C.D.C. Director Says Coronavirus Effort Could Be Helped by Quarantining Pence
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an AIDS outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated
, and I do not know how to use a computer 
,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian,
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
C.D.C. Director Says Coronavirus Effort Could Be Helped by Quarantining Pence
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an AIDS outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated
, and I do not know how to use a computer ,” he said.Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian,
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
online today!
Timeless, and time sensitive comedy....
Grew up with the 3 stooges, Don rRickles, laughin and the Marx Bros., among many others. Laughed a lot, with all the family. Since women wisely avoid me, and I'm such a cheap guy, I often borrow DVD's from local libraries. Bravo and I then watch at nights, when the day's work is done. He likes to see doggies whenever they appear. So yesterday, I noticed that someone turned in (donated) one--- The MB, "Go West, and The Big Store". Still pretty funny, in places, with the Vaudeville Jewish heavy stick, the gags, and some funny looking coactors. (Tiny Groucho to amazonic Margaret Dumont, "ah, my sweet, I can just see us in our little home, with a roofus over our heads, and there you are, busy in the kitchen, leaning over the stove. But I can't see the stove!"0 Not PC, VERY not, and somewhat racist, in the real sense, not as for alt leftie misuses of the word. But my guffaws, formerly uncontrollable, were much more rare. Yet when I read the Bard's plays, from the 15th century, I still crack up. Is comedy so culturally sensitive, and how so?
History Lesson
The teacher said..
Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:
"John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded
Little Akio put his hand up,
"General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
*"Damn, we’re screwed."*
Little Akio said quietly,
"Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."
Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said:
"John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She hears a loud whisper:.. "F--k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded
Little Akio put his hand up,
"General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
*"Damn, we’re screwed."*
Little Akio said quietly,
"Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."
online today!
New Medicare Plan 'G'
The Government has announced that there is NO longer Nursing Home Care for the elderly.
South Africans being innovative as usual has come up with a Plan 'G'.
For a small fee, Plan 'G' provides anyone 70 or older with a gun and 4 bullets.
You will then be given plans on how to shoot 4 politicians of your choice
This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day,
a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library,
and 100% Health Care, dental and eyecare included.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
All covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And... you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income tax.
Is this a great country or what?
Its Friday. Enjoy the weekend.
South Africans being innovative as usual has come up with a Plan 'G'.
For a small fee, Plan 'G' provides anyone 70 or older with a gun and 4 bullets.
You will then be given plans on how to shoot 4 politicians of your choice
This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day,
a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library,
and 100% Health Care, dental and eyecare included.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
All covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And... you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income tax.
Is this a great country or what?
Its Friday. Enjoy the weekend.
Did we lose our Greatness?
Okay, a man named Anthony Dream Johnson is on a mission to MAKE WOMEN GREAT AGAIN, along with some other men. Of course in America at a price tag of US$.2000.00 to attend his conference.
I don't believe that a man has to tell me how great or not I am nor how to be great. (Unless he is my father)
Funny enough they boast their advice will lead to a woman’s ability to have unlimited babies and learn how to be the “ultimate wife,” rather than a f*#@ buddy.
Please don't tell me that we have to go back to being barefoot and pregnant again.
I have passed that age.
High heeled and naked is all you can expect from me. I ain't wife material either.
Put on an apron Dream Johnson. I teach you some slicing and dicing. Even a condom.
Mexico tightens US border
Today in The New Yorker;
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Mexico Tightens Border After Trump Pardons White-Collar Criminals
By Andy Borowitz
February 19, 2020
MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States “effective immediately” after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters, the President of Mexico, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump’s pardons from crossing into their country.
“They’re bringing bribery, they’re bringing tax evasion, they’re bringing racketeering,” Obrador said. “I wish I could say that some of them were good people, but that does not appear to be the case.”
Obrador said that border agents had been given “special instructions” to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, whom he called “El Blago.”
“If El Blago enters our country, he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats,” Obrador said. “He is a dangerous man.”
Concluding his remarks, Obrador said that he had contacted Trump directly to warn him against sending the criminals to Mexico. “I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
In 2001, he created The Borowitz Report, a satirical news column that has millions of readers around the world, for which he won the first-ever National Press Club award for humor.
The Borowitz Report was acquired by The New Yorker in 2012. His two most recent books were both best-sellers: “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” which became the first title in the history of the Library of America to make the Times best-seller list; and a memoir, “An Unexpected Twist,” a No. 1 best-seller, which Amazon named the Best Kindle Single of 2012. As a comedian, he has performed sold-out shows around the world and has made numerous television and radio appearances, including on National Public Radio, VH1, and Comedy Central. His solo comedy show, “Make America Not Embarrassing Again,” began touring the U.S. in 2018, and he is featured in the new PBS prime-time series “Retro Report,” which débuts in 2019.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Mexico Tightens Border After Trump Pardons White-Collar Criminals
By Andy Borowitz
February 19, 2020
MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States “effective immediately” after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters, the President of Mexico, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump’s pardons from crossing into their country.
“They’re bringing bribery, they’re bringing tax evasion, they’re bringing racketeering,” Obrador said. “I wish I could say that some of them were good people, but that does not appear to be the case.”
Obrador said that border agents had been given “special instructions” to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, whom he called “El Blago.”
“If El Blago enters our country, he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats,” Obrador said. “He is a dangerous man.”
Concluding his remarks, Obrador said that he had contacted Trump directly to warn him against sending the criminals to Mexico. “I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
In 2001, he created The Borowitz Report, a satirical news column that has millions of readers around the world, for which he won the first-ever National Press Club award for humor.
The Borowitz Report was acquired by The New Yorker in 2012. His two most recent books were both best-sellers: “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” which became the first title in the history of the Library of America to make the Times best-seller list; and a memoir, “An Unexpected Twist,” a No. 1 best-seller, which Amazon named the Best Kindle Single of 2012. As a comedian, he has performed sold-out shows around the world and has made numerous television and radio appearances, including on National Public Radio, VH1, and Comedy Central. His solo comedy show, “Make America Not Embarrassing Again,” began touring the U.S. in 2018, and he is featured in the new PBS prime-time series “Retro Report,” which débuts in 2019.
Happy TRump Valentine
Politics is who gets what, why and when, which is everything. And well, Trump wants everything.
Rubbish
I came, I saw,
I forgot what I was doing,
Retraced my steps and got distracted on my way back,
I've no idea what's going on,
And now I have to per.
I forgot what I was doing,
Retraced my steps and got distracted on my way back,
I've no idea what's going on,
And now I have to per.
2 seconds
Yes I've had too much time on my hands lately.
Why is there a 2second rule surely if it falls on the floor it takes less than 2 seconds to collect germs.
Why does buttered bread always fall buttered side down.
Why do people always visit when the house is a mess and never when it's perfect.
Why when I put my washing on its sunny but by the time it's done its pissing down.
Why is there a 2second rule surely if it falls on the floor it takes less than 2 seconds to collect germs.
Why does buttered bread always fall buttered side down.
Why do people always visit when the house is a mess and never when it's perfect.
Why when I put my washing on its sunny but by the time it's done its pissing down.
online today!
Old what's his face...
My dad had a great memory for tidbits of information... with the exception of someone's name. Two seconds after they introduced themselves, he'd forget.
It didn't stop there. When he was making reference to an actor or comedian and their name didn't come to mind, it was always 'what's his face' ad everyone around him would have to guess.
Shhh... family trait.
In business, when customers come to the showroom I work at, I have to write names on a pad and take notes. By the second meeting, I will have all the details. No problem.
Today, I was in the warehouse getting something from the hardware cage and the manager was playing some rock music. I didn't recognize the song, but I recognized the distinct voice of the singer. Not wanting to do a 'what's his face' I said, is that the guy who played with VanHalen for a while?
Yeah, he replied... Sammy Hagar!
It didn't stop there. When he was making reference to an actor or comedian and their name didn't come to mind, it was always 'what's his face' ad everyone around him would have to guess.
Shhh... family trait.
In business, when customers come to the showroom I work at, I have to write names on a pad and take notes. By the second meeting, I will have all the details. No problem.
Today, I was in the warehouse getting something from the hardware cage and the manager was playing some rock music. I didn't recognize the song, but I recognized the distinct voice of the singer. Not wanting to do a 'what's his face' I said, is that the guy who played with VanHalen for a while?
Yeah, he replied... Sammy Hagar!
A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, your thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you have learned. It's your own page on Connecting Singles that you can update on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. You can write about an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with Connecting Singles members. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about members you have met here. Please be sure to read the blog rules before posting.
Would YOU like to post a blog on Connecting Singles? Have you written blogs that you'd like to share with other members? Posting your blogs shows your skill and creativity and helps members get to know you better. Your blog will appear on the Connecting Singles Blogs page and also in a link on your profile page. Click here to post a blog »