Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

Going Home I've Done My Time




Fantastic weekend to everyone.

I'm gone.....

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Tracey, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Tracey very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewda

The Joke of the Day
Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now? " he ask.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt. " he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me " as she processes his social security
application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this
experience at social security office. She says, "you should have
dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Pretty Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Marie: What's that? Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Marie: Where did you get it? Edith: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F**K HIM, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I.am looking for Sex..."
My court date has been set for Friday...

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol



Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

*This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.*


*What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?*


*Here's her story in her own words:*


“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”


“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!”


“Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”

I lost my set of house keys.

Called every place I have been to see if they found any keys. People would have thought I am a total nut. Nevermind!

I am not worried about the keys but miss my tiny gorilla in the key tag.

I don't think any fool will try to enter if they found out it's my keys.

Sooo..

If you have keys to my house, how would you surprise me without freaking me out?


Don't be an idiot and cuff yourself to the bed in a candy thong.