Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Last Commented, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
Bird15691 , Where Are You ?
More About Me
I enjoy long walks on the beach, just a few feet behind young couples that want their privacy, yelling personal insults at small wild animals, pitting my arms in battle against each other, cooking for anorexics, and dog sledding, (not like the Iditerod, I like to stand on dogs while sledding down a hill). I'm the type of person who hates when I see a dog being dragged behind a car and the driver isn't laughing, I do however like it when for whatever reason the dog catches on fire. I hate it when I go to buy milk and where the expiration date is it doesn't say "eternity". I often wonder how fast a zebra has to run before it looks gray. I like to spend my weekend nights pulling out all of my books and judging them by their covers, I've found that I have a lot of crappy books. I sometimes wish I were Chinese so that I wouldn't have to order Chinese food, I could just order food. I hate thinking about how well I could climb trees if my thumbs were on the opposite sides of my hands, although I think about that a lot. I think one of the biggest days in my life was when I came to the realization that the natural enemy of the hole is the pile. I like to lick 9 volt batteries while watching video tapes of childbirth in reverse. But what I love most of all is, finding those kids with that disease that causes them to age at an accelerated rate, and wasting their time. My dislikes include smug Eskimos, Right hand turns, people with tattoos on the soles of their feet, puppies, and the fact that I can't fly. I don't like swimming, unless the only other option is sinking. I see no reason to climb a huge rock, jump from a plane or run in front of a herd of angry bulls but I have however punched a goose in the face (It was provoking me. That goose got what it had comin').
More about my Match
Pretty much anyone who read my profile andstill wants to contact me.
I enjoy long walks on the beach, just a few feet behind young couples that want their privacy, yelling personal insults at small wild animals, pitting my arms in battle against each other, cooking for anorexics, and dog sledding, (not like the Iditerod, I like to stand on dogs while sledding down a hill). I'm the type of person who hates when I see a dog being dragged behind a car and the driver isn't laughing, I do however like it when for whatever reason the dog catches on fire. I hate it when I go to buy milk and where the expiration date is it doesn't say "eternity". I often wonder how fast a zebra has to run before it looks gray. I like to spend my weekend nights pulling out all of my books and judging them by their covers, I've found that I have a lot of crappy books. I sometimes wish I were Chinese so that I wouldn't have to order Chinese food, I could just order food. I hate thinking about how well I could climb trees if my thumbs were on the opposite sides of my hands, although I think about that a lot. I think one of the biggest days in my life was when I came to the realization that the natural enemy of the hole is the pile. I like to lick 9 volt batteries while watching video tapes of childbirth in reverse. But what I love most of all is, finding those kids with that disease that causes them to age at an accelerated rate, and wasting their time. My dislikes include smug Eskimos, Right hand turns, people with tattoos on the soles of their feet, puppies, and the fact that I can't fly. I don't like swimming, unless the only other option is sinking. I see no reason to climb a huge rock, jump from a plane or run in front of a herd of angry bulls but I have however punched a goose in the face (It was provoking me. That goose got what it had comin').
More about my Match
Pretty much anyone who read my profile andstill wants to contact me.
Don't Ignore this blog. lol
Perhaps you may remember Charles Grassley's completely ignoring the pleas of women in Congress to allow
them to read the 42,000 pages that they were given the previous night on Kavanaugh ?
Perhaps this may jog your memory;
Well, now that there will be testimony from women who claim to have been sexually harrassed by Kavanaugh,
hopefully, he will finally be listening.
If he does, at least one person, comedian Andy Borowitz, that listening may be at least somewhat faked.
Thus, in his typically timely fashion, today he offers this column in The New Yorker;
them to read the 42,000 pages that they were given the previous night on Kavanaugh ?
Perhaps this may jog your memory;
Well, now that there will be testimony from women who claim to have been sexually harrassed by Kavanaugh,
hopefully, he will finally be listening.
If he does, at least one person, comedian Andy Borowitz, that listening may be at least somewhat faked.
Thus, in his typically timely fashion, today he offers this column in The New Yorker;
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Grassley Spends Weekend Practicing Pretending-to-Listen Face
By Andy Borowitz
8:00 A.M.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing the daunting challenge of appearing to pay attention to a woman’s utterances during a televised hearing, Senator Charles Grassley spent the weekend rehearsing what aides are calling his “pretending to listen” face.
In round-the-clock practice sessions that aides characterized as “excruciating,” the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee struggled to simulate even a trace of interest in what a woman had to say.
“Chuck has never pretended to listen to a woman before,” an aide said. “These are uncharted waters.”
According to the aide, Grassley’s fake-listening skills “are rudimentary at best,” and the senator was able to hold only a semi-attentive facial expression for seven seconds before it showed unmistakable signs of boredom, irritation, and contempt.
At one point, Grassley reportedly exploded with frustration, bellowing, “If I’d known that going into politics meant I’d have to listen to women, I’d have become a longshoreman.”
Complicating the mock sessions further was the absence on the Judiciary Committee of any Republican women to whom Grassley could pretend to listen, forcing Senator Orrin Hatch to step uncomfortably into the role of a woman.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Grassley Spends Weekend Practicing Pretending-to-Listen Face
By Andy Borowitz
8:00 A.M.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing the daunting challenge of appearing to pay attention to a woman’s utterances during a televised hearing, Senator Charles Grassley spent the weekend rehearsing what aides are calling his “pretending to listen” face.
In round-the-clock practice sessions that aides characterized as “excruciating,” the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee struggled to simulate even a trace of interest in what a woman had to say.
“Chuck has never pretended to listen to a woman before,” an aide said. “These are uncharted waters.”
According to the aide, Grassley’s fake-listening skills “are rudimentary at best,” and the senator was able to hold only a semi-attentive facial expression for seven seconds before it showed unmistakable signs of boredom, irritation, and contempt.
At one point, Grassley reportedly exploded with frustration, bellowing, “If I’d known that going into politics meant I’d have to listen to women, I’d have become a longshoreman.”
Complicating the mock sessions further was the absence on the Judiciary Committee of any Republican women to whom Grassley could pretend to listen, forcing Senator Orrin Hatch to step uncomfortably into the role of a woman.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com
Christian Subject Matter
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths
should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class,
If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do ?
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, I think I'd throw up.
DID NOAH FISH ?
A Sunday school teacher asked, Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?
No, replied Johnny. How could he, with just two worms.
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's
all I need to know.
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
Well, Honey, he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon.
How come He doesn't answer it ? she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, So your mother says your prayers for you each night ?
That's very commendable. What does she say ?
The little boy replied, Thank God he's in bed !
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member,every friend,and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer,Kelli would say,
and all girls.
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I
asked her, Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls ?
Her response,Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men' !
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer. said his mother.
I don't need to, the boy replied.
Of course, you do his mother insisted. We always say a prayer before eating at our house.
That's at our house. Johnny explained. But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
THE BIBLE
Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses.
When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one
day he'll have a stroke and never wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward this
email to others the devil will discourage you, but forward it anyway.
Be kinder than necessary - everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.... Leave the rest to God.
should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class,
If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do ?
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, I think I'd throw up.
DID NOAH FISH ?
A Sunday school teacher asked, Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?
No, replied Johnny. How could he, with just two worms.
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the
Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's
all I need to know.
UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
Well, Honey, he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon.
How come He doesn't answer it ? she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, So your mother says your prayers for you each night ?
That's very commendable. What does she say ?
The little boy replied, Thank God he's in bed !
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member,every friend,and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer,Kelli would say,
and all girls.
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I
asked her, Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls ?
Her response,Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men' !
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer. said his mother.
I don't need to, the boy replied.
Of course, you do his mother insisted. We always say a prayer before eating at our house.
That's at our house. Johnny explained. But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.
THE BIBLE
Did you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache. When you open it, he collapses.
When he sees you reading it, he faints. Let's read the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one
day he'll have a stroke and never wake up. And did you also know that when you are about to forward this
email to others the devil will discourage you, but forward it anyway.
Be kinder than necessary - everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.... Leave the rest to God.
This will change everything !
Presenting the......
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.
.
.
Tear
Only it, can prevent forest fires AND "tastes great !"
.
.
.
.
Tear
Only it, can prevent forest fires AND "tastes great !"
online today!
Cough, cough...
It was uncle Jason's 93rd birthday and we all gathered around a cake to celebrate. He got out of the hospital just last week as his Emphysema was getting the best of him. If you know uncle, he's a real trooper and insisted to be released against doctors orders so he wouldn't miss his birthday party... at his age, it's a pretty significant day.
About 30 of us gathered around a nice size cake at the family get-together and we used 9 big candles to represent each decade and 3 smaller candles for the other years.
Uncle Jason wheezed a bit, actually he wheezed a lot, but he was able to blow out all the candles by the 5th (or was it 6th) try!
Cough, cough... Okay... who wants cake ??
About 30 of us gathered around a nice size cake at the family get-together and we used 9 big candles to represent each decade and 3 smaller candles for the other years.
Uncle Jason wheezed a bit, actually he wheezed a lot, but he was able to blow out all the candles by the 5th (or was it 6th) try!
Cough, cough... Okay... who wants cake ??
So you think you can judge
Trevor Noah's hilarious take on the ongoing Kavanaugh confirmation hearing.
Day 1;
Day 1;
THE WOODEN TOILET SEAT
The train raced onward through the night, chugging power and a sense of purpose. Molly and Jack were stuck on the crossing. Molly died instantly but Jack lived another 23 years. He said he'd been quite attached to his legs but both had to be amputated below the knee.
It took Jack a long time to get over the death of Molly. They'd met via ConnectingSingles and used to banter with each other on the forums. Molly loved his wit and Jack loved the genuine open-hearted woman he gradually learned to love and cherish.
It also took Jack time to come to terms with the loss of his legs. He'd been a very active man and at school and University he engaged in a variety of sports. In his wheelchair he started playing basketball. This kept his mind off his problems and he loved the competition.
What was he going to do with his life? He decided to learn about financial investments as he had the time to take up this new hobby. He could learn about the subject on the internet. He invested some of his compensation and insurance payouts from the accident and gradually became very rich.
What could he do with the money? He decided to give some of the income to charities of his choice. He also gave money to people he met whom he knew were in distress.
One day he met a dear old lady sipping a cup of tea in a cafe. Her clothes were old and worn out. He befriended her. One day he asked her if there was anything she might need or want.
'Nothing' she said....'No, wait a minute. It's getting cold and my bum freezes on the plastic toilet seat when I go to the loo. I'd love a wooden toilet seat please.'
So Jack got her one.
THE END
It took Jack a long time to get over the death of Molly. They'd met via ConnectingSingles and used to banter with each other on the forums. Molly loved his wit and Jack loved the genuine open-hearted woman he gradually learned to love and cherish.
It also took Jack time to come to terms with the loss of his legs. He'd been a very active man and at school and University he engaged in a variety of sports. In his wheelchair he started playing basketball. This kept his mind off his problems and he loved the competition.
What was he going to do with his life? He decided to learn about financial investments as he had the time to take up this new hobby. He could learn about the subject on the internet. He invested some of his compensation and insurance payouts from the accident and gradually became very rich.
What could he do with the money? He decided to give some of the income to charities of his choice. He also gave money to people he met whom he knew were in distress.
One day he met a dear old lady sipping a cup of tea in a cafe. Her clothes were old and worn out. He befriended her. One day he asked her if there was anything she might need or want.
'Nothing' she said....'No, wait a minute. It's getting cold and my bum freezes on the plastic toilet seat when I go to the loo. I'd love a wooden toilet seat please.'
So Jack got her one.
THE END
A Few Smiles
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty..'
Garage Door boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' ' Twelve thirty..'
Garage Door boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..'
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