Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

A man goes to bed one night and falls asleep. The next thing he knows, he is standing at the gates of heaven with St. Peter. He says "where am I?" St Peter replies "you died and you are at the gates of heaven. The man replied "omg no, I can't be dead, I got so much left to do. Can you please send me back to finish my life's work. St. Peter says "I can send you back but there is a catch, you must be sent back as a chicken. The man says "well, I'll find a way to get things done even as a chicken" so he agrees.


Next thing the man knows, he is in a farmers field as a chicken. The man thinks "well this isn't quite as bad as I thought it would be" so he mingles with the other chickens. After a while, he feels that strange feeling in his stomach, he asks the other chickens what was going on. They explained to him that he is ready to lay a egg so they tell him to just gently push and it will come out so the man pushes and sure enough, he lays an egg. The man feels another strange feeling so he pushes again to lay the second egg when all of a sudden he is slapped in the face by his wife who says "get up you god damn old fool, your shitting in the bed!"

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains)

Tag - Satire
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Ginsburg: ‘I Am Mentally Fit Enough To Serve Through The End Of President Eisenhower’s Term’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Dispelling rumors that the Supreme Court Justice could be retiring soon, Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that she is “mentally fit enough to serve through the end of President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s term in office.”



She made the comments just after her second morning nap, telling the press “not to worry” about her mental state.

“I can wait out that old Republican bat,” she said, grinning. “I’m not gonna sit around and let Eisenhower pick a terrible Supreme Court nominee like Earl Warren to replace me. No, siree. I’ll wait until one of the Kennedys finally runs for office so we’ll get a solid, left-wing judge in my place.”

Ginsburg also stated that she would continue to judge impartially on all pressing topics confronting the nation, such as the Cold War, segregation in schools, and the Red Scare.

At publishing time, a rambling Ginsburg had also stated she would not be resigning her post as Princess Frostine of the great kingdom of Candy Land “any time soon.”

She suddenly wakes up and shouts "hide quick, my husband is home".
Her husband wakes up, gets out of bed and jumps out the window.

You may have heard by now, that Ivanka Trump will be closing up her Chinese child sweat shop.
Sad, so sad.



So, what will the girl that has a father, who would like to date her do next ?



Well, perhaps Andy Borowitz has a premonition about this.
Apparently, he suggests that the darling rotten apple will not fall far from
the rotting tree.

Here is his offering on this topic in The New Yorker today;

It's been raining here a lot recently.
In fact, this is the rainiest spring & summer in New Jersey (USA)
that I remember.
This week alone I was rained out of playing softball;
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and even though it was sunny today,
the game was cancelled because there are puddles of water in the infield.

With all the natural watering of my lawn, it's been actively growing quite a bit more than usual.
So, I decided to capitalize on there being sunshine and venture out to mow the lawn.

The minute I step outside, my good neighbor across the street is in his yard and yells to me
"hey, how you doing Jim ?"

"Great ! How are you ?"

"I'm doing good too, but my wife has been worried about you, since we haven't seen you
out & about all week. She wanted me to go across the street and knock on your door to make
sure you were OK."

We both chuckled a bit at that, as he's laid back, but while she is very sweet, she can also be intense at time.
I said, "It's just with all the rain, I don't have as much reason to go outside.
I haven't been able to play softball nor take nature photos."

About 2 minutes later his wife comes outside and waves and yells "hey Jim where you been ?"

So, I yell back, that "I'm an inverse vampire".
With that, they're both staring at me with WTF? looks on their faces.

So, I wait a couple of seconds and say....
"Well you know that vampires bite women's necks and suck their blood.
Plus, you never see them when the sun shines.
Well, I'm kind of the opposite. I don't suck anyone's blood. You only see me when the sun shines.
And I don't bite women's necks, unless they're kinky and into that sort of thing.

Yeah, that conversation really happened this morning.

As a kid, I remember people holding signs on the street corners that read Repent - The end Is Near. It's 60 years later and I see less of those signs. Well, except for internet. You see those signs often. It's easier to make an internet post than standing on a street corner holding a sign for hours.

I grew up ignoring different signs and sometimes, partly because of my upbringing.
When my mother told my dad to fill-up on gas, his reply was "It's on E and E means enough!"

There is one 'near the end' thing I cannot ignore and we all have to poop. The worst part is the paperwork at the end... something you cannot avoid. I don't know about you... but it's mandatory for me. So, when I see the end is near, I reach around to the linen cabinet and pull out another roll. Right now, there are 2 left... just in time for weekend shopping as you never want to get caught short after 'the end is near' goes into the danger zone!



Thanks for reading my blog !

Years ago, I came across a dating site that had video chat rooms.
I think the way the interface worked was someone would open a room and they would be the operator of the room. We could see the operator but not the other people in the room. I'm guessing only the operator had windows for all the people in the room. However, everyone in the room shared the same text board, so we could see what everyone was saying (with exception to the private chats) to the operator and other members.

Typically, it was pretty young women running the chat rooms and (naturally) their audience was guys. The operator had the ability to boot people if they said something annoying.

One woman in her 40's often ran a video chat. No one believed her age or her looks. She had a rock solid body and cleavage that could raise the dead! I recall her wearing spaghetti strap tank tops and loving every minute of it and not shy either. She did ask the audience if they thought she was hot and one reply came back "Darlin' you're schmokin"




I often use that phrase and slur the word smoking the same way it's spelled. Schmokin!


Thanks for reading my schmokin hot blog...

That has to be the most popular question I get from women who initially contact me on here.
It's in their first email to me and yet, I go to great efforts to pre-answer that in my profile, which they obviously haven't read.

So, from now on, they get a smart-a** answer. (not that some of them didn't already get such an answer)

Answers;

my car keys

my remote control

my wallet

the meaning of life

a cure for ridiculous questions

what aisle the potato salad is in.

my profile. Have you seen it ?

the last digit in pi

you know

the smallest subatomic particle

I forgot.

a way to time travel

I was hoping you would tell me.

Don't worry I found it.

The winning lottery ticket

That depends. What have you got ?

and the number one answer they are getting is;

Why people are always asking me questions


Add you own, if you like.