Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Last Commented, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
He never got any respect
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield
He said...
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
He said...
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Consistent Testing results for AG, Bill Barr
Today from The New Yorker;
No real surprise. He's passed the test of no integrity since being appointed.
Whether it was the untruthful interpretation of Mueller's report, pressuring prosecutors, or
judges, clearly he has no loyalty to the judicial system, nor justice in general.
His loyalty is only to his mob boss.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
By Andy Borowitz
May 8, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
By Andy Borowitz
May 8, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
No real surprise. He's passed the test of no integrity since being appointed.
Whether it was the untruthful interpretation of Mueller's report, pressuring prosecutors, or
judges, clearly he has no loyalty to the judicial system, nor justice in general.
His loyalty is only to his mob boss.
Comedic Actor Jerry Stiller dies at 92 of 'natural causes'
Perhaps best known for his bizzarre father roles on Seinfeld and The King of Queens,
as well as his previous stand-up routines with his wife, as 'Stiller & Meara'.
Today from CNN;
(continued in my first comment below)
as well as his previous stand-up routines with his wife, as 'Stiller & Meara'.
Today from CNN;
In response to:
Actor and comedian Jerry Stiller has died of natural causes, Ben Stiller say
By Alta Spells and Lisa Respers France
(CNN)Actor and comedian Jerry Stiller has died due to natural causes, his son, actor Ben Stiller said in a tweet. He was 92.
"He was a great dad and grandfather, and the most dedicated husband to Anne for about 62 years. He will be greatly missed. Love you Dad," the tweet read.
Perhaps by most, Jerry Stiller was known for his role as Frank Costanza in the show "Seinfeld" and about a decade later, as Arthur Spooner in the sitcom, "The King of Queens."
Stiller had lost his wife, Anne Meara, in 2015. The two met in a New York casting call in 1953 and a few short years later became the timeless "Stiller & Meara" comedy team -- making their name in the 1960s with frequent performances on variety shows, including the "The Ed Sullivan Show."
The native New Yorker caught the comedy bug early, inspired while growing up by listening to comedian Eddie Cantor on Sunday nights on the radio.
Stiller told ClevelandSeniors.com in 2010 that he identified with Cantor because he "came from the Lower East Side where I was brought up."
"He was Jewish," Stiller said. "He worked his way up from being a singing waiter. He had such joy, such energy."
The eldest of three children, Stiller watched his father struggle as an unemployed bus driver and used Hollywood as an escape since the family moved around quite a bit.
"I was brought up with Andy Hardy and The Hardy family with Judge Hardy and Aunt Millie upstairs," he said of the then popular Andy Hardy movie series starring Mickey Rooney. "I wanted to be them. I wanted to live in Harpersfield, USA."
After a stint in the Army, Stiller worked various jobs including washing windows, selling ice cream and driving a bus.
He also studied drama at Syracuse University and launched his acting career.
It was that craft which introduced him to his lifelong love as he and Meara met at an agent's office and married soon after.
While she wanted to focus on dramatic acting, Stiller convinced his wife they would make a great comedic team which they formed after both being members of the Compass Players comedy troupe.
By the 1960s the pair had found fame appearing on "The Ed Sullivan Show" where their jokes about their differences -- him a short, Jewish man and her a tall, Irish Catholic woman -- were a hit.
In Meara Stiller found his soulmate.
"Our marriage has lasted because we have the same feelings of insecurity about being an actor," he told the New York Daily News in 2012. "We needed stability."
They waited over a decade before they had children, son Ben and daughter Amy, who followed their parents into show business.
Becoming parents didn't stop Stiller and Meara from being on the road pursuing their craft.
"We schlepped them from place to place. We took them to Vegas or Los Angeles," Stiller told ClevelandSeniors.com. "We'd be performing with (Gladys Knight) and they'd be in the pool swimming with The Pips."
The couple decided to break up their act and pursue their individual careers in 1970.
"I love Anne, but if I had depended on her in my professional life," he told People magazine in 1977. "I would have lost her as a wife. We felt like two guys."
Stiller found work on television including celebrity games shows and "The Love Boat" as well as on Broadway.
But it was being cast as the curmudgeon Frank Costanza on "Seinfeld," which premiered in 1989 on NBC, that made him a superstar.
Actor and comedian Jerry Stiller has died of natural causes, Ben Stiller say
By Alta Spells and Lisa Respers France
(CNN)Actor and comedian Jerry Stiller has died due to natural causes, his son, actor Ben Stiller said in a tweet. He was 92.
"He was a great dad and grandfather, and the most dedicated husband to Anne for about 62 years. He will be greatly missed. Love you Dad," the tweet read.
Perhaps by most, Jerry Stiller was known for his role as Frank Costanza in the show "Seinfeld" and about a decade later, as Arthur Spooner in the sitcom, "The King of Queens."
Stiller had lost his wife, Anne Meara, in 2015. The two met in a New York casting call in 1953 and a few short years later became the timeless "Stiller & Meara" comedy team -- making their name in the 1960s with frequent performances on variety shows, including the "The Ed Sullivan Show."
The native New Yorker caught the comedy bug early, inspired while growing up by listening to comedian Eddie Cantor on Sunday nights on the radio.
Stiller told ClevelandSeniors.com in 2010 that he identified with Cantor because he "came from the Lower East Side where I was brought up."
"He was Jewish," Stiller said. "He worked his way up from being a singing waiter. He had such joy, such energy."
The eldest of three children, Stiller watched his father struggle as an unemployed bus driver and used Hollywood as an escape since the family moved around quite a bit.
"I was brought up with Andy Hardy and The Hardy family with Judge Hardy and Aunt Millie upstairs," he said of the then popular Andy Hardy movie series starring Mickey Rooney. "I wanted to be them. I wanted to live in Harpersfield, USA."
After a stint in the Army, Stiller worked various jobs including washing windows, selling ice cream and driving a bus.
He also studied drama at Syracuse University and launched his acting career.
It was that craft which introduced him to his lifelong love as he and Meara met at an agent's office and married soon after.
While she wanted to focus on dramatic acting, Stiller convinced his wife they would make a great comedic team which they formed after both being members of the Compass Players comedy troupe.
By the 1960s the pair had found fame appearing on "The Ed Sullivan Show" where their jokes about their differences -- him a short, Jewish man and her a tall, Irish Catholic woman -- were a hit.
In Meara Stiller found his soulmate.
"Our marriage has lasted because we have the same feelings of insecurity about being an actor," he told the New York Daily News in 2012. "We needed stability."
They waited over a decade before they had children, son Ben and daughter Amy, who followed their parents into show business.
Becoming parents didn't stop Stiller and Meara from being on the road pursuing their craft.
"We schlepped them from place to place. We took them to Vegas or Los Angeles," Stiller told ClevelandSeniors.com. "We'd be performing with (Gladys Knight) and they'd be in the pool swimming with The Pips."
The couple decided to break up their act and pursue their individual careers in 1970.
"I love Anne, but if I had depended on her in my professional life," he told People magazine in 1977. "I would have lost her as a wife. We felt like two guys."
Stiller found work on television including celebrity games shows and "The Love Boat" as well as on Broadway.
But it was being cast as the curmudgeon Frank Costanza on "Seinfeld," which premiered in 1989 on NBC, that made him a superstar.
(continued in my first comment below)
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane...
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
The 'Craziest' Idea yet to Fight the Virus
Today in The New Yorker;
I've watched a lot of both Governor Murphy & Governor Cuomo's daily briefings. They've both done an effective job. However, Cuomo takes more time to explain, consider and essentially embrace & refute alternatives. I feel he resonates better with the public, explaining why he carefully considers and chooses methods. While he got little support in campaigning, honestly, he is very presidential in his leadership, and something this country has sorely missed since Obama left office.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country
By Andy Borowitz
April 13, 2020
AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country
By Andy Borowitz
April 13, 2020
AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
I've watched a lot of both Governor Murphy & Governor Cuomo's daily briefings. They've both done an effective job. However, Cuomo takes more time to explain, consider and essentially embrace & refute alternatives. I feel he resonates better with the public, explaining why he carefully considers and chooses methods. While he got little support in campaigning, honestly, he is very presidential in his leadership, and something this country has sorely missed since Obama left office.
online today!
Soap on a rope...
When I was a kid, we had soap on a rope hanging in the shower. I'm guessing it was English Leather and had a strong 'woody' scent. Not sure where it came from and my guess is a gift. We only had it hanging there for the scent and none of my family actually used the soap. I remember it developed cracks in the surface, probably from the number of times humidity or splashing made the outer surface wet.
Searching for an image for my blog had a definition/example in the Urban Dictionary that the benefit of soap on a rope in prison saved you from having to bend over if you happened to drop the soap.
Searching for an image for my blog had a definition/example in the Urban Dictionary that the benefit of soap on a rope in prison saved you from having to bend over if you happened to drop the soap.
A Serious Idea for You to Ponder
If the sign in the middle of a grassy area,
says "Keep Off The Grass"........
How did it get there ?
says "Keep Off The Grass"........
How did it get there ?
A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, your thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you have learned. It's your own page on Connecting Singles that you can update on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. You can write about an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with Connecting Singles members. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about members you have met here. Please be sure to read the blog rules before posting.
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