Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Last Commented, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
San Francisco Walgreens Introduces New Frequent Looter Rewards Punch Card
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
On Twitter
This one was actually published last year.
But in some ways, I think it may be even more appropriate in the near future.
Enjoy.
Well Rex, many feel the same way.
While it might not be instant, it would be karma and in his case, quite appropriate.
May your bucket list be completed soon.
But in some ways, I think it may be even more appropriate in the near future.
Enjoy.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Rex Tillerson: I Hope Trump Finds Out He’s Impeached on Twitter
By Andy Borowitz
March 14, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a freewheeling conversation with reporters after his departure from the State Department on Tuesday, Rex Tillerson said that he “really hopes” that Donald Trump finds out that he is being impeached on Twitter.
“I mean, the way I see it playing out, he’s up at 3 A.M., starting a new feud with Oprah or someone, and that’s when he finds out,” Tillerson said.
“My only regret is that I won’t be there to see it.”
Tillerson started laughing in what some witnesses described as a demonic manner as he imagined Trump learning of his impeachment on Twitter.
“I mean, you have to picture him with his BlackBerry in his itty-bitty hands, and that’s how he finds out,” Tillerson cackled. “It would serve the bastard right.”
Composing himself, Tillerson added, “Let me make something clear. I’ve done well for myself. I’ve lived a full life and, by any measure, a successful one.
But, if there’s one last thing I have on my bucket list, it’s that Donald Trump finds out he’s being shitcanned on Twitter. I mean, you want to talk about sweet.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Rex Tillerson: I Hope Trump Finds Out He’s Impeached on Twitter
By Andy Borowitz
March 14, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a freewheeling conversation with reporters after his departure from the State Department on Tuesday, Rex Tillerson said that he “really hopes” that Donald Trump finds out that he is being impeached on Twitter.
“I mean, the way I see it playing out, he’s up at 3 A.M., starting a new feud with Oprah or someone, and that’s when he finds out,” Tillerson said.
“My only regret is that I won’t be there to see it.”
Tillerson started laughing in what some witnesses described as a demonic manner as he imagined Trump learning of his impeachment on Twitter.
“I mean, you have to picture him with his BlackBerry in his itty-bitty hands, and that’s how he finds out,” Tillerson cackled. “It would serve the bastard right.”
Composing himself, Tillerson added, “Let me make something clear. I’ve done well for myself. I’ve lived a full life and, by any measure, a successful one.
But, if there’s one last thing I have on my bucket list, it’s that Donald Trump finds out he’s being shitcanned on Twitter. I mean, you want to talk about sweet.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Well Rex, many feel the same way.
While it might not be instant, it would be karma and in his case, quite appropriate.
May your bucket list be completed soon.
Store Angel
I wrecked my car this week and now it's at the collision shop. They're determining whether it's totaled or not.
I was waiting a long time on a ride today and there was this red-faced homeless woman sitting outside the store with two bags, so I started talking to her. I told her my name.
She had a really sad, tragic story which made me very humbled and grateful for what I had. At one point she wanted to go inside and cash in a Lotto ticket. I told her I'd watch her bags.
As I stood there with my cart full of stuff I stared at those bags and tried to imagine what it would be like to have all your belongings just in those two bags. She was gone for awhile and I wondered if she was coming back.
She came back and as the manager ran her off, I asked her what her name was.
"Cindy Lou," she said.
"My sister's name is Cindy and her nickname is Cindy Lou!" I exclaimed.
"Well my real name is Cindy Lou," she said.
I told her I would pray for her.
Then she was off with her stuff, headed down the street.
I prayed for her.
I tend to always feel sorry for myself when I lose my car which has happened many times but there this lady was, another reminder of how lucky I really am.
I was waiting a long time on a ride today and there was this red-faced homeless woman sitting outside the store with two bags, so I started talking to her. I told her my name.
She had a really sad, tragic story which made me very humbled and grateful for what I had. At one point she wanted to go inside and cash in a Lotto ticket. I told her I'd watch her bags.
As I stood there with my cart full of stuff I stared at those bags and tried to imagine what it would be like to have all your belongings just in those two bags. She was gone for awhile and I wondered if she was coming back.
She came back and as the manager ran her off, I asked her what her name was.
"Cindy Lou," she said.
"My sister's name is Cindy and her nickname is Cindy Lou!" I exclaimed.
"Well my real name is Cindy Lou," she said.
I told her I would pray for her.
Then she was off with her stuff, headed down the street.
I prayed for her.
I tend to always feel sorry for myself when I lose my car which has happened many times but there this lady was, another reminder of how lucky I really am.
2022
Remember having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive
So I wish everyone a great 2016
So I wish everyone a great 2016
Way forward.
Okay. This Corona virus wont keep us in lockdown forever.
Someday we will go back to work. Some day we will join our families and friends again for birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals and everything under the sky.
How will we get to that someday from what is now? Will life ever be same again?
How can we be sure if we are not going to get infected and who will give us the virus?
What is the way forward for dating while maintaining the distance?
It's a long way to screw the droplets and get down and dirty.
Anyway, there is an ancient art of non corporeal sex.
So till then, I think investing your time to learn the art of making love in astral plains is a good idea.
It's called Tantric sex.
(I am always one step ahead on these matters.)
Kidding of course.
Love life. Choose life. Stay safe.
Until we are able to get down and dirty, meet me in the astral plains.
Someday we will go back to work. Some day we will join our families and friends again for birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals and everything under the sky.
How will we get to that someday from what is now? Will life ever be same again?
How can we be sure if we are not going to get infected and who will give us the virus?
What is the way forward for dating while maintaining the distance?
It's a long way to screw the droplets and get down and dirty.
Anyway, there is an ancient art of non corporeal sex.
So till then, I think investing your time to learn the art of making love in astral plains is a good idea.
It's called Tantric sex.
(I am always one step ahead on these matters.)
Kidding of course.
Love life. Choose life. Stay safe.
Until we are able to get down and dirty, meet me in the astral plains.
How is that for her having the last laugh ?
A wealthy man walked into a bar in Miami. As soon as he entered, he noticed an Afr*ican woman, sitting in one corner. He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, "Bartender! I'm buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that woman over there!"
The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the Afr*ican woman. Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, "Thank you!"
This infuriated the wealthy guy. So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that Af*rican sitting in the corner over there!"
The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Afri*can woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!"
That made him furious. So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender, "What is wrong with that woman.. I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is she mad"
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, "No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this establishment."
The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the Afr*ican woman. Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, "Thank you!"
This infuriated the wealthy guy. So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted, "Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that Af*rican sitting in the corner over there!"
The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Afri*can woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!"
That made him furious. So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender, "What is wrong with that woman.. I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts 'Thank you.' Is she mad"
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, "No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this establishment."
A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, your thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you have learned. It's your own page on Connecting Singles that you can update on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. You can write about an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with Connecting Singles members. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about members you have met here. Please be sure to read the blog rules before posting.
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