Here is a list of Comedy Blogs ordered by Last Commented, posted by members. A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you've learned. Post an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Update your blog on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with others. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about others. Click here to post a blog.
It's a case of up or down low
New timely satire from Borowitz
This is subsequent to Dirty Don's very recent ALL UPPER CASE TWEET to Iran.
WE REALLY.......whoops. Sorry.
We really narrowly escape keyed that situation.
This is subsequent to Dirty Don's very recent ALL UPPER CASE TWEET to Iran.
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump to Discontinue Obama-Era Practice of Using Lowercase Letters
By Andy Borowitz
11:55 A.M.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Charting a sharply different course from that of his predecessor in the White House,
Donald J. Trump announced on Monday that he would discontinue the Obama-era practice of using lowercase letters.
In a series of early-morning tweets, Trump announced the ban on lowercase letters,
calling them “SMALL” and “WEAK.”
“I WILL KEEP AMERICA STRONG BY USING ALL CAPS,” he tweeted.
“THERE ARE NO SMALL LETTERS IN USA!”
“LITTLE LETTERS BAD!!!” Trump added, for emphasis.
Trump’s policy of zero tolerance for lowercase letters could have a sweeping impact on the federal bureaucracy
if, as rumored, all government agencies are required to retrofit their computers and mobile devices with a permanent caps-lock key.
Additionally, civil-liberties groups argued that Trump’s war on lowercase letters flies in the face of the First Amendment, which implicitly protects the right to use letters of all sizes and fonts.
Amid the controversy, the White House appeared to walk back the new policy later in the day, as aides revealed that Trump will still use lowercase letters, in the style of the poet e. e. cummings, when communicating with Vladimir Putin.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump to Discontinue Obama-Era Practice of Using Lowercase Letters
By Andy Borowitz
11:55 A.M.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Charting a sharply different course from that of his predecessor in the White House,
Donald J. Trump announced on Monday that he would discontinue the Obama-era practice of using lowercase letters.
In a series of early-morning tweets, Trump announced the ban on lowercase letters,
calling them “SMALL” and “WEAK.”
“I WILL KEEP AMERICA STRONG BY USING ALL CAPS,” he tweeted.
“THERE ARE NO SMALL LETTERS IN USA!”
“LITTLE LETTERS BAD!!!” Trump added, for emphasis.
Trump’s policy of zero tolerance for lowercase letters could have a sweeping impact on the federal bureaucracy
if, as rumored, all government agencies are required to retrofit their computers and mobile devices with a permanent caps-lock key.
Additionally, civil-liberties groups argued that Trump’s war on lowercase letters flies in the face of the First Amendment, which implicitly protects the right to use letters of all sizes and fonts.
Amid the controversy, the White House appeared to walk back the new policy later in the day, as aides revealed that Trump will still use lowercase letters, in the style of the poet e. e. cummings, when communicating with Vladimir Putin.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
WE REALLY.......whoops. Sorry.
We really narrowly escape keyed that situation.
Highest Impeachment rating in history ? (satire)
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump Boasts That His Impeachment Will Get Higher TV Ratings Than All Other Impeachments
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an interview with NBC’s Lester Holt, Donald Trump boasted that, if he is impeached, the television ratings will be higher than those of any other impeachment in history.
“Everywhere I go, people tell me that if I am impeached, they’re going to watch it,” he said. “The ratings are going to be through the roof.”
He said that he expected his impeachment ratings to be “many, many times” the size of the audience for Bill Clinton’s impeachment, in 1998.
“It’s not even going to be close,” Trump said. “The ratings for Bill Clinton’s impeachment were a joke.”
Asked about the recent impeachment of the former South Korean President Park Geun-hye, Trump said, “Did anyone even watch that one? That was Korea. Nobody cares.”
As for the impeachment of Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff, he said, “I didn’t hear about that one. I don’t follow Brazil.
I like Argentina. I saw ‘Evita’ many, many times. Andrew Lloyd Webber did a great job. Millions and millions of people loved it. But that was a Broadway show, not an impeachment.”
Even though he anticipates “just terrific” ratings for his impeachment,
Trump said that he did not expect the media to provide an honest accounting of his audience size.
“They’re going to lie and say that a lot of people who watched my impeachment didn’t watch,
and that’s going to be very bad and unfair,
but it’s not going to change the fact that my impeachment will be a great impeachment, a really beautiful impeachment,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Trump Boasts That His Impeachment Will Get Higher TV Ratings Than All Other Impeachments
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an interview with NBC’s Lester Holt, Donald Trump boasted that, if he is impeached, the television ratings will be higher than those of any other impeachment in history.
“Everywhere I go, people tell me that if I am impeached, they’re going to watch it,” he said. “The ratings are going to be through the roof.”
He said that he expected his impeachment ratings to be “many, many times” the size of the audience for Bill Clinton’s impeachment, in 1998.
“It’s not even going to be close,” Trump said. “The ratings for Bill Clinton’s impeachment were a joke.”
Asked about the recent impeachment of the former South Korean President Park Geun-hye, Trump said, “Did anyone even watch that one? That was Korea. Nobody cares.”
As for the impeachment of Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff, he said, “I didn’t hear about that one. I don’t follow Brazil.
I like Argentina. I saw ‘Evita’ many, many times. Andrew Lloyd Webber did a great job. Millions and millions of people loved it. But that was a Broadway show, not an impeachment.”
Even though he anticipates “just terrific” ratings for his impeachment,
Trump said that he did not expect the media to provide an honest accounting of his audience size.
“They’re going to lie and say that a lot of people who watched my impeachment didn’t watch,
and that’s going to be very bad and unfair,
but it’s not going to change the fact that my impeachment will be a great impeachment, a really beautiful impeachment,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
Yes, give the people what they want, is a motto of show biz,
The TV ratings would far exceed 'The Apprentice'.
"Break a leg Don, No, really."
Indeed, ticket prices for the trial might set record highs on Stub hub.
"See the greatest show on earth. This will not be held over."
"The presidency may hang in the balance."
Husband Down
Haha!! This is a Good one!!
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha! ??????
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha! ??????
Trump invites Putin to the White House
SATIRE
Well, it's sort of understandable. The batteries on the electronic listening devices left by the initial Russian
band of spies to the oval office likely need changing by now.
But with Trump, the only listening device a spy needs is his ears;
He tells the US public lies, and the Russians the truth.
If only Hitler & Mussolini were alive today..... Would they order the steak, or the salmon ?
In response to:
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda Puzzled Why Trump Has Not Invited Them to White House
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda said on Friday that they were totally perplexed as to why Donald J. Trump had not yet invited them to the White House.
The terror chiefs said that, as sworn enemies of the United States, they had certainly attacked the country enough to warrant an invitation for an official visit, and possibly a state dinner.
“Maybe we haven’t done anything to directly undermine their democracy—I get that,” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, said. “But we’ve been nemeses of America for years, and that ought to be worth something.”
Ayman al-Zawahiri, the leader of Al Qaeda, said that he also feels snubbed. “No invitation. Not even a save-the-date,” he said. “At this point, I’d settle for the White House Easter Egg Roll, but I’m not counting on anything.”
Calling the absence of a White House invitation for Al Qaeda “the height of unfairness,” the evildoer added, bitterly, “The whole thing seems political.”
Hibatullah Akhundzada, the current leader of the Taliban, said that, like his terrorist colleagues, he was “dumbfounded” that Trump invited Vladimir Putin and not him to the White House. “At some point you have to wonder, what does Putin have on this guy?” he said.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
Satire from The Borowitz Report
Leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda Puzzled Why Trump Has Not Invited Them to White House
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda said on Friday that they were totally perplexed as to why Donald J. Trump had not yet invited them to the White House.
The terror chiefs said that, as sworn enemies of the United States, they had certainly attacked the country enough to warrant an invitation for an official visit, and possibly a state dinner.
“Maybe we haven’t done anything to directly undermine their democracy—I get that,” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, said. “But we’ve been nemeses of America for years, and that ought to be worth something.”
Ayman al-Zawahiri, the leader of Al Qaeda, said that he also feels snubbed. “No invitation. Not even a save-the-date,” he said. “At this point, I’d settle for the White House Easter Egg Roll, but I’m not counting on anything.”
Calling the absence of a White House invitation for Al Qaeda “the height of unfairness,” the evildoer added, bitterly, “The whole thing seems political.”
Hibatullah Akhundzada, the current leader of the Taliban, said that, like his terrorist colleagues, he was “dumbfounded” that Trump invited Vladimir Putin and not him to the White House. “At some point you have to wonder, what does Putin have on this guy?” he said.
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,”
and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes the Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news, for newyorker.com.
Well, it's sort of understandable. The batteries on the electronic listening devices left by the initial Russian
band of spies to the oval office likely need changing by now.
But with Trump, the only listening device a spy needs is his ears;
He tells the US public lies, and the Russians the truth.
If only Hitler & Mussolini were alive today..... Would they order the steak, or the salmon ?
A Few Chuckles
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
verbal diarrhea
the master has spoken .... and we all know who that is ????..
on his visit to the uk ..the one and only ..just could not zip it ...
so now the whole world knows that the usa does not have any allies left ...
as mr verbal , clearly stated ,,that Europe ..china ..Russia ..are the foe..????
well as Europe makes up most of the western world ..
then the good old usa has decided that these peeps are the foe ..be it financially or other wise ???
so I now wonder when the US will start removing its military bases from the foes lands ????
hmmmmmm do not think that is going to happen any time soon ,,,
anyway on a lighter note ...
mr verbal does what he does best ,,,ie making a fool of himself ...
1 inform mrs may to sue Europe ha ha ..
2 state that his twin brother ...become british PM... BORIS trump junior ,,ha ha
3 insult the queen ....but GOOD OLD LIZ.. was having none of that ..as she is used to dogs playing up ..so she tried to teach mr verbal how to walk properly...
4 popped up to Scotland for a game of golf...had a little tantrum because he missed a put that would have won him the open championship...all be it that it does not start until later this week ...mmm so off he trots back to his buggy followed by a convoy of about 30 more buggies ???? that had been busy all morning replacing his miss hit shots back on the fairways ...fair play or play fair ...
then hops back on airforce one to meet a real MAN ..lets just wait and see how mr verbal copes with that ..........
on his visit to the uk ..the one and only ..just could not zip it ...
so now the whole world knows that the usa does not have any allies left ...
as mr verbal , clearly stated ,,that Europe ..china ..Russia ..are the foe..????
well as Europe makes up most of the western world ..
then the good old usa has decided that these peeps are the foe ..be it financially or other wise ???
so I now wonder when the US will start removing its military bases from the foes lands ????
hmmmmmm do not think that is going to happen any time soon ,,,
anyway on a lighter note ...
mr verbal does what he does best ,,,ie making a fool of himself ...
1 inform mrs may to sue Europe ha ha ..
2 state that his twin brother ...become british PM... BORIS trump junior ,,ha ha
3 insult the queen ....but GOOD OLD LIZ.. was having none of that ..as she is used to dogs playing up ..so she tried to teach mr verbal how to walk properly...
4 popped up to Scotland for a game of golf...had a little tantrum because he missed a put that would have won him the open championship...all be it that it does not start until later this week ...mmm so off he trots back to his buggy followed by a convoy of about 30 more buggies ???? that had been busy all morning replacing his miss hit shots back on the fairways ...fair play or play fair ...
then hops back on airforce one to meet a real MAN ..lets just wait and see how mr verbal copes with that ..........
Being an only child from a small village was tough...
That´s because I had to fuk someone else´s sister, yak yak!
Having a heck of a day......
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.” I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve..............… and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.” I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
"I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve..............… and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Chasing Rabbits
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
B. S. and brilliance only come with age and experience.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
B. S. and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A Blog is a journal you may enter about your life, your thoughts, interesting experiences, or lessons you have learned. It's your own page on Connecting Singles that you can update on a regular basis, or just whenever you have something to say. You can write about an opinion, impart words of wisdom, or talk about something interesting in your day. Creating a blog is a good way to share something of yourself with Connecting Singles members. Reading blogs is a good way to learn more about members you have met here. Please be sure to read the blog rules before posting.
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