My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex
life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and
highlights of theirs?
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as
he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the
trees in the road. Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
T"ennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
online today!
If you don't like suggestive adult stuff, don't look at this.
This comedy group has been been around for a long time...poking fun at Prime Ministers and other politicians including our friends south of the border...time for some laughs...first video clip...
Enjoy...
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love’ and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for nonsense…”
Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg…”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
Two ants wandered into a large-screen TV. After crawling around for hours and hours the first ant started to cry.
“I think we’re lost! We’ll never get out!” “Don’t worry,” said the second ant. “I brought along a TV guide.”
online today!
"Don't go there, don't go into that church you dumb b*tch."
Her husbands asks "what are you watching?"
She replies "our wedding video."