I Wonder What I’m Looking For

The last few years of my marriage were bad, the last couple were horrendous. Would things have turned out differently if I’d been a better partner? Probably, but I’ll never know for sure. Much of what went wrong was my fault, but how much of it that wasn’t is impossible to say.

I wasn’t meant to share a life with anyone, I think that much is fair to say. Now, living alone, there is certainly something about that that feels right; it seems to be in keeping with what, or who, I am. But there is also something about it that really doesn’t feel right, and, despite much self analysis, I can’t put my finger on what it is. Obviously, it has a lot to do with people, most probably of the opposite sex, but that’s about as much as I can say.

I don’t want to live with someone as half of a couple again; I do know that much, or at least I think I know it. The idea of being part of a couple on a more casual basis, not living together, and maintaining a separate life, wouldn’t seem like a bad option were it not for the fact that I can well see how it might be the thin end of a wedge with a rather dangerous thick end.

I doubt if finding a friend with benefits would be a much less risky option, and, anyway, I don’t think I could be that casual; besides, why take the risk when the benefits aren’t as compelling as they used to be? So, a friend, or friends, without problematic benefits could be the answer, although even getting the dynamics of that right is proving more complicated than I would have imagined.