Maine Senator Susan Collins struggles to decide on washing her hands of a dangerous pathogen
Today Andy Borowitz parodies an imagined response by the senator from Maine to the very recent virus threat, as her inappropriate response to the presence of a similar current parasite in the oval office, using her own words. With no further ado...Today in The New Yorker;
In response to:
Satirefrom The Borowitz Report
Susan Collins Unable to Decide Whether to Wash Hands
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, has not decided whether she will wash her hands in response to the coronavirus outbreak, Collins confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol, Collins said that she was “deeply troubled” by the behavior of the COVID-19 virus.
“The behavior of the coronavirus is, to me, profoundly disturbing,” she said. “Whether it rises to the level of something I should respond to by washing my hands is a question I am devoting a great deal of thought to right now.”
Collins said that she had set “no timetable” for deciding whether to wash her hands, stressing that it was a decision “I do not take lightly.”
As of press time, Collins was spotted standing outside a Senate washroom, seemingly immobilized.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Satirefrom The Borowitz Report
Susan Collins Unable to Decide Whether to Wash Hands
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, has not decided whether she will wash her hands in response to the coronavirus outbreak, Collins confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol, Collins said that she was “deeply troubled” by the behavior of the COVID-19 virus.
“The behavior of the coronavirus is, to me, profoundly disturbing,” she said. “Whether it rises to the level of something I should respond to by washing my hands is a question I am devoting a great deal of thought to right now.”
Collins said that she had set “no timetable” for deciding whether to wash her hands, stressing that it was a decision “I do not take lightly.”
As of press time, Collins was spotted standing outside a Senate washroom, seemingly immobilized.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian
who has written for The New Yorker since 1998.
He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
Comments (2)
Thanks to the Volatile Mermaid for this joke. Afterwards, a bloodied Collins reportedly staggered up - demonstrating his usual expertise, Trump only winged her - and said she hopes Trump will learn a lesson from this.