Getting to the point - part two
There are things that can be done. Steps to take, but this has swelled from my little world to a universe of where to go, how to pay, who to turn to. And right now I really do not know how to get to the point.It is all a question, in the end, of how closely can you look your own mortality in the face. They keep taking away my wiggle room and I am getting an extreme close up view. I cannot see the forest because the tree is in my face.
Everyone else is buzzing around, getting upset. I cried for about five minutes yesterday. From anger more than anything because I have been SO GOOD! I did the tests, everything I was supposed to do. So why were my reports missing? Why were my X-rays not available? Why am I still waiting?
This time waiting under a shadow that I am going to have to work really really hard to get out from under. Like what has been going on since March is not enough. not big enough, not stressful enough, not downright annoying enough because it is really hard to talk to other people about your cancer. Their fear shines in the sweat that slicks the skin, the lowered voices, the fact that they no longer speak to you at all directly, don't meet your eyes.
Won't look in case the maverick cells leap from your eyes, codemning them; it's not freakin' catching, neither is it some insidious super power designed to sap your strength. Strangers reach out in empathy, in love while friends avoid me. I understand but it still pisses me off. There is no special language needed. I am still me. well, in their eyes I guess I am "me+...."
I just checked and the blog turned pink which means there are too many words. well this time there will be 2 blogs because I need to say the words and as many of them as want to be spoken.
Today, for the first time, I feel discomfort in the lung when I breathe deeply. My head aches, my back hurts. Stress and uncertainty are pushing the envelope of what I can handle. I need to do something, I think. Then I think, what?
I want to eat something, but what, when taste is such a distant echo im my mouth. I want to watch a movie, read a book, anything to fill the screaming silence in my head. My usual comfort activities, dancing wildly to very loud music, or running are beyond me at the moment.
Actually I just this second thought of something I can do! Beat the stuffing out of a pillow with a cricket bat. it won't change a thing but I will burn some adrenaline off and then maybe I'll be able to step back a little. Start to see a point.
Comments (3)
Communicating a deep seated emotion, portraying uplifting thoughts,
generally summing up a state of being.
Your words are always enlightening and moving and yet I find that
my faculty for saying the right thing seems to have left me.
I think I;ll join you in beating the stuffing out of a pillow and also send
you hugs and mixed up thoughts of love and anguish hope.
As a friend of mine pointed out to me one day, maybe their lack of response is one of their weak points that they haven't needed to cultivate as it was met in other ways.
Your blog also brought up an important point that I also just discovered. I have copies of most of my medical records now. 6 months ago I discovered ALL of mine were missing. My doctor left town and never forwarded any medical records.
I think your determination to find and face your treatment will be the winning factor in your recovery. And yeap! I am going for recovery, as I am the optimist.