random self awarenesses
Turns out I am a closet neat freak. Not that I mind a stack of books or a scatter of magazines around the place but if you are cleaning the floor everything gets picked up, wiped down and put away.you do not mop or sweep around the scattered flip flops, the bag of unread books...amd you certainly do not leave the mop broom and pail in a jumble in the corner when they have a perfectly good cupboard to live in.Little reversals notwithstanding, my abilitiy to do housework keeps getting smaller. And apparently I have a very decided attitude on the RIGHT way to do housework. I am grateful for the help I am getting and keeping my tongue still in my head. And trying to figure out how to get my floors as clean as I prefer them to be - hiring someone may be the only way.
Cooking too is becoming more difficult and there is the mental toll as well, as it gets more difficult to do things, as the knives threaten fingertips, the temptation to not do raises its head. Don't risk, don't take a chance there are too many stairs, I feel dizzy, i'll do it later, tomorrow when i feel clearer... the reality is I need to push the envelope, need to do all I can manage and push for that tiny bit more and let us not forget no more 'you can do anything steroids surging through my blood stream either...so much to keep track of at times
The las couple of days I have slept four hours for every two awake, deep falling into a black hole sleep that I think of as a healing place where the bits of me that know how get busy putting me back together so I can dream again and scrub a floor.
When I am awake I realised that I actually am as patient as I have always pretended to be. I really do not mind waiting it is not just some zen exercise I practise.
So my blood tests are good, they are happy to poison me - I wonder if a mosquito bites me will it drop dead or mutate? Final word is Wednesday for dose one. Amd I am bothered by a sink full of dirty dishes. DEfinitely neat freak elementshowing themselves - or maybe it is simply that I still have some control over what happens to the dishes.