a very slow day
apparently the hospital is still gripped by the possibility of industrial action,, variuos groups kept peeling off and going to meetings - the orderlies, the records staff, receptionists, doctors - including thr pharmacist who mixes the bags of cancer killing magic,which meant even the superearly birds who arrived at seven and waited for the nuclear medicine department to open did not get hooked up till ten or ten thirty.
I had a tough time digging mysel out from under the fears I had not seen myself absorbing from other peoples' horror stories, plus I have been so careful to eat and live heakthy for the last eighteen years that the thought of willingly letting toxins -for no matter how good a reason - be pumped into my body well the reason didn't seem good enough in the dark dawn this morning - to write a book, a few more poems, do a few more radio shows?
It is fascinating how each new step toward recovery demands a new level of surrender to things I really do not like. This is better than sesshin for deconstructing ego and perceptions. A bag of saline took an hour and fifteen minutes to run into my vein, the two bags of drugs an hour and forty five minutes,
From now om I get to do the hydration myself, it will protect my kidneys and other organs (including ears - i don't think there are many deaf DJ's or audio editors around) and the nurses actively encouraged taking lots of vitamins and gave me pills to take in case I feel sick.
So far I have not needed to take them and as long as I dom't assault my digestive system - a little difficult when said system views habanero peppers chopped into just made at the table mayonaise and smeared over seared tuna as a tasty treat rather than something to run screaming from - with greasy fried foods and spicy foods I may not need to.
My goal is always weighted towards avoiding meds as much as possible, if I have a bad reaction it is easier to know which one is doing it if i am only taking two and it leaves me with less repair work to get on with, There's going to be a lot of that as it is, I saw Mr H today - my will be lung surgeon who recognised me from behind despite both baldness and residual steroid cheeks and i warned him that I am not planning on leaving much for him to do. he supports my efforts,
Well that's my day. Not very interesting really.
A lot of tension for a physical low effort event that left the back of my right hand bruised, Psychologically however, getting ready to go was very difficult.I did not want to do this. But I did and today was easy which means I will do tomorrow wthout a qualm even though there is no guarantee tomorrow will be the same.
One success means it is possible to achieve another, every positive step means the next one will be made. No matter what else I absorb from others, what i see and hear in the faces and voices of my docs when they try to get me to listen to words like prognosis and statistically, I need to know in my bones, in every cell that my prognosis is my intent to live my life to the full, whatever that full is, and I never have been, never will be a statistic worth a damn.
Comments (7)
Peaches
And yet......rarely have I ever met someone who is capable of making me feel as much alive as your writing does.
Thank you for the gift you posses.
Love and kisses.
Hats off to a formidable, courageous and outstanding human being...
..and shall we complain about the weather or any other triviality today?
One step at the time! You're doing just wonderful!
Sometimes life is about giving up on things we're comfortable with and allowing ourself to explore further. You've certainly had your share of those both!
But you're heading to a better stage, to more strenght and control over your body and a happy ending of this fight you're in now!
Another day that you've won the battle!
I'm really proud of you!
You are a HUGE inspiration to us Dorielle..
Big hugs
::fans Dorielle with a pink pampas grass:::