Talk Therapy
After reading Tangerino's blog, I'm inspired to ask about your views on "Talk Therapy" (that's what I call it, anyways
)One of the joys (as I see it) in a close/intimate relationship is that we can share (unload
) our troubles and our joys ... the trivia of the day and the hopes for tomorrow. For some, processing the events of the day in this manner is not welcome. They feel their day didn't go well and this would be like going through it all again.
For others, this is how the tension of the day gets released. The events that bothered them are put in perspective when they put them into words... stress is released and they can smile again. If something went really well, sharing it with someone else makes the events feel even better.
> Which outlook describes you best?
> Which outlook do you prefer in a partner?
Does too much sharing make you appear boring? Troubled? Unrealistically happy?
Are you prepared to be a good listener? To understand and appreciate without judgment?
Note: For those who do this... This can be an important skill in a long distance relationship.
Comments (29)
My teke is: lemme went 5min whenever i need to.
Only want her to understand, dont have to give good advices (humoristic advices is just as good) hehe
If it's something about her and me o-corse its about fixing it then - and u know what richard... i dream of one i can do that with: in 5 min also..!!! lol
Yea i'm a dreamer.
Jill - Dogs are good listeners too... Do they still do the "puppy eyes" thing when they want attention from you?
You make a good point about listening and not trying to fix things.
Many topics/situations in life aren't fully developed... it's not time to talk about solutions... yet it's nice to talk about them anyways... helps us sort them out, figure out if we should be concerned or not.
Talking about solutions and fixing things... it's sort of like saying "now that we fully understand everything, we can address/fix it"... which takes you out of the 'understanding' phase prematurely.
It's one theory... that some tend to want the bottom line, the cure, and "now it's time to move on" ... basically, good at problem solving but not at listening. .... What do you think?
Morgen - 5 minute therapy.
Understanding is terrific, isn't it? But understanding is more about preparing for tomorrow than solving something today... doesn't seem to feel like accomplishment for many people... takes time just the same... a challenge for many, I think.
Talk therapy in a relationship --- A problem?
When I`m stressed I need someone to listen me....and cant stop
If u are fundamentally happy, but had a bad day : u dont need therapy. Thats what im talking about. If on the other hand you have a defect that needs to be fixed, for instance a strained memeory or personal relation and it effects your person repeatedly (u let it out on others) then some talk of the longer sort with your loved one may be in place. Richard, why don't u talk more direct se we can understand you? Give exsamples too. Pls.
"Understanding is terrific, isn't it? But understanding is more about preparing for tomorrow than solving something today... doesn't seem to feel like accomplishment for many people... takes time just the same... a challenge for many, I think.
Talk therapy in a relationship --- A problem? ... when, where and how to discuss things that are personal and close-to-home ... that's a good one to figure out ... if you can."
-all this gave me little as it was so general that it floats in the air like a woolen cloud..
Is true! if you let it out or talk to a good friend my help, but sometimes you prefer to stay away from all the people and family and just have some time with yourself.
I can be opened to tell what I experience in a day to close friends or family members, and I hope I can do the same to my future partner or at least I hope he won't mind to lend his ears to me when I tell him about my day
I want him to be able to keep talking to me about anything he wants to share with me. I'll be happy to listen because there will be time (in seconds - with or without he notices) I can see and admire his face if we are talking face to face
I am a quiet person so I hope he's a bit talkative (not a fussy or a chatterbox one
I like to listen to my friends' stories. About anything they want to share is OK for me to listen as long as they don't complain or to whine about something on and on without trying to fix the issue...that's what I'll call boring
I still have to learn a lot not to quick in judging someone and I still have to learn a lot to be a good listener (we have time limit to continuously listening to something or to someone in one time).
Errr, now, I hope my comments above didn't make you bored
I think that's valuable in a relationship.
Also - I know some who take this part of their relationship to a friend because their partner can't/won't connect with them in this way.
To criticize and judge - There's a guilt factor in communication like this that keeps some from doing it... they want to share but feel they can't for exactly these reasons.
Her partner can't handle too much negativety so she must hold back from how her day was if it was bad.
What he don't know is that if he only listend good 10min it would be all over, and she would be filled with something positive from it that probably will make her next day less challanging as she will take more with a pinch of salt, while she will feel the support from home nomather where she goes.
kinda
Remember we have an alternative to therapy. Actually more than one. The most famous one is love.
I think therapy usually is a substitute for those.
So give me love. lol
----> But, I'll try just the same.....
Hello, dear... welcome home.
Hello, dear one ...
It's been a nice day for me. How has it been for you?
It's had a few challenges but mostly like any other day. Have you been home long? Has the dog been out?
>> Okay... that's the basic start... we're both home... we're taking care of the things we need to when we get home... at some point those things have been attended to and there's time to just talk... might be while having dinner... the challenges at work... thinking about painting the kitchen... and about deeper subjects... family issues... should we be supporting a charity... what do you think about (?) ...
And even more deep/personal topics are possible with some... you know... I like when you ask for my advice... it bothers me when you call from the other room when you need something - could you just come and ask in a normal voice? ... working out relationship issues ... sharing philosophy ... whether to buy 2-ply tissue for the bathroom... it all counts.
When we ask about our day we talk about whatever...good or bad....to me that tells me we are comfortable with each other. We all have our bad days & its good to have someone listen & be there & talk it out. Its good & healthy to share our feelings when we feel safe with our emotions with each other.
Constructive venting is getting it out of our system & moving on. Fixating on certain things & not letting go & never hear the end of it isn't healthy. I'm a good listener. I don't mind when he comes to me & talks about his day when I ask & vice versa. Too much sharing...depends on what....not everything is on a need to know basis. Its not boring....unless its constant.
I find its easier to do so when you can be vulnerable with each other & not worry about judgement. That way you can understand & appeciate each other. That's why communication is important....if you can't communicate or feel uncomfortable talking about what bothers you....because no one is a mind reader.
An excellent observation! ... alone time. This is part of handling life as well ... just to have time without other people in the room ... no talking ... no listening ... stage 1 of meditation perhaps (is it okay to think of it this way?).
Some day I'm going to learn about actual meditation... I think I understand the concept but should see if my understanding is correct.
Chica -
There is a balance to this, isn't there? "A fussy/chatterbox" ... it's not as easy to listen when the stories are being repeated... or when a problem seems to continue endlessly (eventually problems should be solved or let go, shouldn't they?).
It is okay to tell the other person - "I don't want an answer/solution ... I just want to talk."?
There are different ways to take in stress and to let it out. If you have contact with people, some give/take of stress is going to occur I think... might not be much... but there always seems to be some.
I think about talking as a way to clear your mind of the things that clutter it up ... the rude store clerk ... the person who keeps stealing the pens out of your desk at work ... or the chance for a promotion or success with your latest project.
To me, sharing love involves talking too...
Quite interesting thoughts, Morgen ... making me think (again)
Have you ever had someone come up to you... and their first words are "What's bothering you?"
They claim there was a certain look on your face... that you look like there's a problem...
I think that's a difficult start... some people do that though... makes sharing difficult because they see/feel meaning beyond what you are saying and half the conversation is spent explaining the things you never said.
I think communication should always start with a friendly/positive greeting... acknowledging that you care... and are available to listen... if talking is something they want to do...
A challenging skill at times...
Too much information... poor timing... there are enough barriers for those who are good at communication...
Some chose not to talk... the barriers are too big... so they cope in another way.
Many good thoughts from you! Thank you.
Thats why i say 5min is ideal to me.
Other times we will talk for hours, but then hopefully not about mine or her bad day.
Thanks for the ear(time). hehe
Thanks for adding your thoughts, Morgen!
(I've been neglecting my work... will be back to CS later)
Communication is important & if something is bothering them they should talk when they are ready to or want to. If you force them to talk they will clam up or not feel comfortable doing so. When that happens they shut down....as in become distant. "So close yet so far away".
And yes I'm back from the wildnerness. I had fun & the weather was pretty good. I met a lot of people...some of his friends & others.
Here's an example...I'm on the shy side....I was really nervous & not so chatty. Everyone kept asking me....even him if I was having fun.....since I was too quiet lol. I was having fun but for some reason they assumed I wasn't. We talked about it last night & I feel better about it now.
My opinion is that you should always start with a neutral greeting and find a way to let them know that you're ready to listen if they want to talk.
To start a conversation with "what's bothering you?" ... or "you look like something's bothering you" ... If those are the first words... that's always seemed rude to me... to presume someone's mood after a glance.
I think it is far better to say "good morning... how's the world treating you today?" or something neutral and inviting... if they talk, they talk... you don't put them in the awkward situation of having to explain what their mood is and is not.
Glad you had a good camping trip! ... Fun looks different to different people I think ... being chatty and laughing and telling jokes and being very animated is not typical behavior for some of us... and fun can be listening to stories from people we've just met... just taking it in... the laughs and the interactions... animated fun might happen some other time... perhaps when everyone feels more familiar. ... I'm glad it went well!
To be in a receptive mood... to listen, to accept, to be the person the other needs at that time... whatever that might be.
That's behind all of this, I think. It's primarily a question of whether we are willing to be what each other needs... no matter what the need is at the time.
This can be a big challenge for many people... you have to understand each other... accept and appreciate each other... and find the things that work. Many won't do this... for many different reasons.
Being able to listen...