Priorities... ( Archived) (67)

1.) My Kids (just cos I'm a mother)
2.) My Health (cos without it, I'd be useless)
3.) My Job (cos without it I would have no money, no security, no home)

This obsession with our children and their well being is a fairly new phenomenon, almost to the point of hysteria during the last decade or so.

Well, in reply to your first, T, it's basically because in the end you and your mate are the central pillars in your life (given that you have a mate). Your children will have gone on and formed their own independent lives. They won't be living for (or about) you, and neither should you live for or about them.

Of course I know that at this point, my friend, you have no one who can compete with your love for your children. But, as you've pointed out, conditions can change. I'm sure you can imagine, given your capacious imagination, the day coming when your two (adorable!) kids are busy with their own lives, and at that point, for you to make them your #1 priority might constitute interference more than a loving relationship. Try a thought-experiment on that and I'll bet you'll see what I mean.

I suspect strongly that women are more likely to list their children as their highest value. But I also suspect that probably changes with time (depending on whether they are alone in the later years).

You know the cliche of the interfering older mom in the lives of their children? That's what happens when one keeps one's children as one's highest priority/value in later life. It's really not a pretty picture, is it?

What about you and your hound, G?

I was thinking almost exactly that, when I started reading this thread.

Women always say kids are their number one priority. I thought...They are almost required to say that by thier gender roles, or Feminine Mystique, or whatever you call it, or they're somehow not a good person if they don't. They'll even say that even when it seems obvious to others that their actions suggest otherwise.

At least that's what I was thinking, when I noticed that a couple of ladies didn't even mention kids, in thier lists.



Shows what I know!

ambrose is right

the primary relationship
the foundation of the household must be sturdy

i mean sure many partnerships are faulty or worse- but we are all only talking generally pretty much

so yes the couple who care for and model behavior for
the children



when i was a mom w/ young ones i made them the priority but there is a difference in priority and primary

single parents can become inappropriately involved with their children

i know this is an unpopular topic so i am not uncomfortable speaking only about myself and admitting my mistakes

i learned that sometimes single moms rely on their kids for allll of their emotional and social life.

i know i did. as the kids got older it was really inappropriate for a few reasons- and i was adrift and almost resentful, but certainly my feelings were hurt when they began to develop properly and build little lives for themselves-as they should from about age 11 on

i participated in counseling because of the imbalance my well meaning love caused- and they came too and were given permission to understand their feelings and for me to get mt self right.

also as a young woman in recovery from addictive behavior davpk hit it on the head

it is a selfish program-if we dont take care of us we cant give anything of quality away-i dont care how well meaning we are.
if we have any destructive behaviors borne of any degree of self loathing we cannot truly give a message to children about self love and we are where they will consciously or unconsciously learn allllll they operate from

what we model-the spoken and the unspoken is the information they get. i have learned many hard lessons.

but we are all survived so far

I agree, G.

I truely believe that one's own health and wellbeing has to come first.

Thats actually being unselfish, and not selfish, because to be the best parent one can, you have to be fit, well, happy and balanced, in my opinion. A sick parent is of no benefit whatsoever to a child.

maybe all i mean to say is that i made my kids my priority really and in a good healthy way when i made myself my priority

i am so glad i didnt teach my daughter that the only way to love someone is to sacrifice yourself

cuz i dont want her treating herself that way

that attitude permeates everything- what we will tolerate in a job or in a friendship or love relationship

thank god i started learning to be well by the last kids arrival

one seems to be starting adulthood healthy while the older ones, despite my best intentions are 30 and trying to undo their misinformation so they can be peaceful and appropriate in relationships



the best thing is -today we can all talk about it and they know i went from sick to well-ish-
they were there and saw it
so they do take a bit of advice while they seek their own balance because they know i know

if we are 'right' it follows naturally that the kids will be also


hiiiiiii you