Priorities... (67)
diogenes: Heya Sis!
ok have to ask why have you got a Pink Bunny on your head????------ This thread is Archived ------
morgan5: ok have to ask why have you got a Pink Bunny on your head????
I'm exploring my pink and fluffy side
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diogenes: I'm exploring my pink and fluffy side
Is that the same as your feminine side???? 
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diogenes: I was thinking almost exactly that, when I started reading this thread.
Women always say kids are their number one priority. I thought...They are almost required to say that by thier gender roles, or Feminine Mystique, or whatever you call it, or they're somehow not a good person if they don't. They'll even say that even when it seems obvious to others that their actions suggest otherwise.
At least that's what I was thinking, when I noticed that a couple of ladies didn't even mention kids, in thier lists.
Shows what I know!
Women always say kids are their number one priority. I thought...They are almost required to say that by thier gender roles, or Feminine Mystique, or whatever you call it, or they're somehow not a good person if they don't. They'll even say that even when it seems obvious to others that their actions suggest otherwise.
At least that's what I was thinking, when I noticed that a couple of ladies didn't even mention kids, in thier lists.
Shows what I know!
I think you're right that women are *almost* required to place their kids first. And I don't necessarily disagree, at a certain point in their lives (though I prefer my aunt's point of view - that her man is #1).
I'm remembering an article by Ayelet Waldman, the adoring wife of Pulitzer prize-winning Michael Chabon, where she laughingly declared that she loved her husband more than her kids, and - also laughingly - acknowledged that she would likely receive considerable flack for that. I think she's an exception to the rule...at least the rule for young mothers (she's not so young anymore, but had fairly young children at the time of her statement).
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diogenes: I'm exploring my pink and fluffy side
Nope you just overhead that lass with the big ..........Saying she jut loved her Rabbit
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Ambrose2007: Well, in reply to your first, T, it's basically because in the end you and your mate are the central pillars in your life (given that you have a mate). Your children will have gone on and formed their own independent lives. They won't be living for (or about) you, and neither should you live for or about them.
Of course I know that at this point, my friend, you have no one who can compete with your love for your children. But, as you've pointed out, conditions can change. I'm sure you can imagine, given your capacious imagination, the day coming when your two (adorable!) kids are busy with their own lives, and at that point, for you to make them your #1 priority might constitute interference more than a loving relationship. Try a thought-experiment on that and I'll bet you'll see what I mean.
I suspect strongly that women are more likely to list their children as their highest value. But I also suspect that probably changes with time (depending on whether they are alone in the later years).
You know the cliche of the interfering older mom in the lives of their children? That's what happens when one keeps one's children as one's highest priority/value in later life. It's really not a pretty picture, is it?
Of course I know that at this point, my friend, you have no one who can compete with your love for your children. But, as you've pointed out, conditions can change. I'm sure you can imagine, given your capacious imagination, the day coming when your two (adorable!) kids are busy with their own lives, and at that point, for you to make them your #1 priority might constitute interference more than a loving relationship. Try a thought-experiment on that and I'll bet you'll see what I mean.
I suspect strongly that women are more likely to list their children as their highest value. But I also suspect that probably changes with time (depending on whether they are alone in the later years).
You know the cliche of the interfering older mom in the lives of their children? That's what happens when one keeps one's children as one's highest priority/value in later life. It's really not a pretty picture, is it?
Thanks for your insight J! Sensible indeed
And circumstances can change! I guess balance is the key word for me in situational circumstances. I can't really recall my priority list when I was living with the kids and their mother years ago, I think it was situational and those circumstances were inter-dependent at times. Anyways, my kids are still young, and I have no woman---so there you go.
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mindfful: ambrose is right
the primary relationship
the foundation of the household must be sturdy
i mean sure many partnerships are faulty or worse- but we are all only talking generally pretty much
so yes the couple who care for and model behavior for
the children
when i was a mom w/ young ones i made them the priority but there is a difference in priority and primary
single parents can become inappropriately involved with their children
i know this is an unpopular topic so i am not uncomfortable speaking only about myself and admitting my mistakes
i learned that sometimes single moms rely on their kids for allll of their emotional and social life.
i know i did. as the kids got older it was really inappropriate for a few reasons- and i was adrift and almost resentful, but certainly my feelings were hurt when they began to develop properly and build little lives for themselves-as they should from about age 11 on
i participated in counseling because of the imbalance my well meaning love caused- and they came too and were given permission to understand their feelings and for me to get mt self right.
also as a young woman in recovery from addictive behavior davpk hit it on the head
it is a selfish program-if we dont take care of us we cant give anything of quality away-i dont care how well meaning we are.
if we have any destructive behaviors borne of any degree of self loathing we cannot truly give a message to children about self love and we are where they will consciously or unconsciously learn allllll they operate from
what we model-the spoken and the unspoken is the information they get. i have learned many hard lessons.
but we are all survived so far
the primary relationship
the foundation of the household must be sturdy
i mean sure many partnerships are faulty or worse- but we are all only talking generally pretty much
so yes the couple who care for and model behavior for
the children
when i was a mom w/ young ones i made them the priority but there is a difference in priority and primary
single parents can become inappropriately involved with their children
i know this is an unpopular topic so i am not uncomfortable speaking only about myself and admitting my mistakes
i learned that sometimes single moms rely on their kids for allll of their emotional and social life.
i know i did. as the kids got older it was really inappropriate for a few reasons- and i was adrift and almost resentful, but certainly my feelings were hurt when they began to develop properly and build little lives for themselves-as they should from about age 11 on
i participated in counseling because of the imbalance my well meaning love caused- and they came too and were given permission to understand their feelings and for me to get mt self right.
also as a young woman in recovery from addictive behavior davpk hit it on the head
it is a selfish program-if we dont take care of us we cant give anything of quality away-i dont care how well meaning we are.
if we have any destructive behaviors borne of any degree of self loathing we cannot truly give a message to children about self love and we are where they will consciously or unconsciously learn allllll they operate from
what we model-the spoken and the unspoken is the information they get. i have learned many hard lessons.
but we are all survived so far
Very well-stated, E. A possible problem with mom's - particularly single moms - is that they tend to focus on their children as the central purpose in their lives. That sounds very noble and motherly, of course, but the flip-side is that when we make someone else the point of our existence, that usually results in fairly negative consequences for the object of our "point of my existence" interests. At least in the long-run.It's highly problematic for the kids to venture out as independent, healthy entities when their parents cling to them as central purposes in their lives.
Good point, E, about the distinction between "priority" and "primary value."
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morgan5: ok have to ask why have you got a Pink Bunny on your head????
It does look awesome on Dio
Great to see you again morgan
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morgan5: Is that the same as your feminine side????
Yeah....
Some dudes think it's "gay", some girls too.
But, if nothing else...I find that being in touch with the sensitive inner feminine self lures them into a sense of security...and next thing you know....BAM! PREGNANT!
Who's Your Fluffy Bunny Daddy!?!?
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diogenes: Yeah....
Some dudes think it's "gay", some girls too.
But, if nothing else...I find that being in touch with the sensitive inner feminine self lures them into a sense of security...and next thing you know....BAM! PREGNANT!
Who's Your Fluffy Bunny Daddy!?!?
Some dudes think it's "gay", some girls too.
But, if nothing else...I find that being in touch with the sensitive inner feminine self lures them into a sense of security...and next thing you know....BAM! PREGNANT!
Who's Your Fluffy Bunny Daddy!?!?
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StressFree: Thanks for your insight J! Sensible indeed And circumstances can change!
I guess balance is the key word for me in situational circumstances. I can't really recall my priority list when I was living with the kids and their mother years ago, I think it was situational and those circumstances were inter-dependent at times. Anyways, my kids are still young, and I have no woman---so there you go.
I guess balance is the key word for me in situational circumstances. I can't really recall my priority list when I was living with the kids and their mother years ago, I think it was situational and those circumstances were inter-dependent at times. Anyways, my kids are still young, and I have no woman---so there you go.
Thanks, T.
You do have bloody adorable kids (judging from your descriptions and their photos)! I admire you for your love of and devotion to them.
Just wait until their later teenage years when they powerfully test your love and devotion (if you're like most parents, that is)!
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morgan5: Is that the same as your feminine side????
I was thinking to myself the other day: "Self, where has Morgie been, and how is she doing?"Good to see you popping up here again, my friend!
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diogenes: I'm exploring my pink and fluffy side
And I had daydreams about you off in the wilds hunting large fluffy bunnies, do to one easter when you went to find your cleverly hidden eggs, all you came up with was some small chocolate like pebbles.With further explorations you learned that they were not indeed chocolate, but rather the leavings of an obviously bitter and child hating bunny.
So after years of therapy and total avoidance of anything resembling easter, chocolates and bunnies. You took it upon yourself to track down the one who started it all.
Guess not huh?
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Raven0: And I had daydreams about you off in the wilds hunting large fluffy bunnies, do to one easter when you went to find your cleverly hidden eggs, all you came up with was some small chocolate like pebbles.
With further explorations you learned that they were not indeed chocolate, but rather the leavings of an obviously bitter and child hating bunny.
So after years of therapy and total avoidance of anything resembling easter, chocolates and bunnies. You took it upon yourself to track down the one who started it all.
Guess not huh?
With further explorations you learned that they were not indeed chocolate, but rather the leavings of an obviously bitter and child hating bunny.
So after years of therapy and total avoidance of anything resembling easter, chocolates and bunnies. You took it upon yourself to track down the one who started it all.
Guess not huh?
OMG!
That is so funny, you thought that!
I swear to god, when I was a kid, I thought they were CoCo Crispies
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hi morgan
xx
ambrose we dont know stuff til we know it ya know?
my life was indeed inappropriately focused on my kids and they became responsible for my emotional life and that is wrong
period
and if we have no other interactions that is what will inevitably happen
but yes im often a bad guy for talking about my own experience strength and hope
but i was the same
couldnt tell me a damn thing
when we are lonely and we have no other relationships we will relate to those available
'bonding' over our pain w/ our children is wrong-but at the time it seems amazing
me and my kids were a tribe - over 20 yrs i was a single mom
my poor boys
but i did the best i could with what i knew and today i know a little better and do a little better-this is how it works
my kids are my priority but my relationship to myself is primary to any other relationship i may have
xx
ambrose we dont know stuff til we know it ya know?
my life was indeed inappropriately focused on my kids and they became responsible for my emotional life and that is wrong
period
and if we have no other interactions that is what will inevitably happen
but yes im often a bad guy for talking about my own experience strength and hope
but i was the same
couldnt tell me a damn thing
when we are lonely and we have no other relationships we will relate to those available
'bonding' over our pain w/ our children is wrong-but at the time it seems amazing
me and my kids were a tribe - over 20 yrs i was a single mom
my poor boys
but i did the best i could with what i knew and today i know a little better and do a little better-this is how it works
my kids are my priority but my relationship to myself is primary to any other relationship i may have
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diogenes: OMG!
That is so funny, you thought that!
I swear to god, when I was a kid, I thought they were CoCo Crispies
That is so funny, you thought that!
I swear to god, when I was a kid, I thought they were CoCo Crispies
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Priorities change when you get (much) older.
I don't have children, my parents aren't there anymore, I'm retired, I rent a fully furnished and equipped apartment.
So now, my priorities are
1) my companion's health and mine
2) my cat
3) our love, joys, happiness, laughter, fun, great moments, good food, good wines, nice visits in the country, music, enjoying every single moment of our life ...
4) my family (living all very far from here)
5) my old friends as well as my new ones
I don't have children, my parents aren't there anymore, I'm retired, I rent a fully furnished and equipped apartment.
So now, my priorities are
1) my companion's health and mine
2) my cat
3) our love, joys, happiness, laughter, fun, great moments, good food, good wines, nice visits in the country, music, enjoying every single moment of our life ...
4) my family (living all very far from here)
5) my old friends as well as my new ones
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I will only add this. Being married to the same awesome man for 36 years. We both put our Creator as number one priority, then each other, then the kids, work, etc. We had many ups and downs in our years together, but never did we give up on each other. When we bought our first vehicle that had a console in the middle we looked at each other and laughed, as I ALWAYS sat as close to him as I could get. Now we had to reach across the console to grab each other
He has been gone a little over 7 years now and I can guarantee my life is lonely. I have kids, grandkids, family and friends. They all have their own lives and even though I see then quite often. Nothing will replace having that number 2 priority in my life. I pray that someday I will have that type of relationship again for my final journey on this earth.
He has been gone a little over 7 years now and I can guarantee my life is lonely. I have kids, grandkids, family and friends. They all have their own lives and even though I see then quite often. Nothing will replace having that number 2 priority in my life. I pray that someday I will have that type of relationship again for my final journey on this earth.
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For myself:
- my family (parents with two brothers, one niece and one nephew, they are so cute)
- my family's business
- my career
- my lover (if i hv) and friends
- my family (parents with two brothers, one niece and one nephew, they are so cute)
- my family's business
- my career
- my lover (if i hv) and friends
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