Many people need to be wanted and needed. I wouldn't have married my wife if I felt she didn't need me. I wouldn't have felt "special" to her.
If you really, really like a man, and got that response from him, how secure would you feel if you wanted a marriage with him?
Maybe you'd feel completely secure, but for most of us 'mere mortals', security in a relationship involved more than just being wanted - being needed takes the intimacy to the next level. And that, I feel, is where the magic happens.....
I don't think that it is to do with being afraid of rejection.
I think it is more that some men like to look at the pics of beautiful women and to pass the time 'checking out' profiles that interest them.
I get the same from some women who look at me time and time again. They obviously like what they see and come back from time to time to 'check me out' again.
I agree with you. There are always those who have to criticize what another does. Some women just can't stand the competition of a beautiful woman, so perhaps this is a reason she hates seeing your photos - because you are beautiful.
I think that the woman who commented to you to stop has some real psychological issues, hence such a comment.
Any relationship only thrives when there is more agreement than disagreement, more similarities in thinking than differences.
There is an ancient saying that says "how can two walk together unless they be agreed?" And another that says that people should avoid being unequally yoked together. This refers to when animals were yoked together and if they were incompatible, they could not work as a team and it created chaos, and disfunctionality.
So there is a lot in the fact that two people must have a lot in common, thinking, faith, and other things, if they are to have an easy time of living together.
I think that Vietnam is an amazing country, and there are many beautiful and special people in Vietnam.
My best friend lives in DaLat, and I think that this city is very pleasant. It is not as hot as Ho Chi Minh.
I also like the H?i Vân Pass. Truely stunning scenery. I also like Ha Long Bay. Wow, there are so many wonderful places in Vietnam.
Yes every city has negative things. But not every country has such beauty in its people and its country.
I really like the singer Thiên Kim. She has beautiful songs and music. I especially like her song "Chuy?n Tình Không Suy Tu, Ph? Ðêm". This is one of my favourite songs from Vietnam.
I think that looking for a mate is something that is unique to every person. Sure we all get down about it. It is like the waves of the ocean on the shore, our enthusiam and momentum is high but wanes as we roll up onto the beaches of our search. Then we come to a halt, and retreat somewhat.
Some choose to stop altogether, while others gather emotional strength and momentum to roll up and try again.
Life is all about frequency, everything is frequency with highs and lows. A soulmate is not the be-all and end-all and the euphoric cure to our inner needs that some might think that it is. In fact, most relationships have those same highs and momentum, and then come to some sort of a halt, and retreat somewhat. Then the momentum is gathered and the cycle starts over again.
Being married for a second time, I see the cycle much clearer, and at times I am so close to my spouse, yet at others we have some emotional distance as we regroup from our exhaustion of what is called our working lives that takes so much energy out of us these days.
It is also not so bad to be single, to be able to please oneself and to be able to live how one wants free of compromise and free of annoyances that come from different personalities living constantly together.
Every state has its pluses and its minuses. I don't think that there is one utopia really, but each state can be utopic, depending on our own inner peace, inner resilience, inner faith.
There is no denying that I would want to be without my special, beautiful partner. Yet there is also no denying that it is fantastic when I have time to myself while she is taking care of family affairs in China.
I think that we all need relationships, but we must not think that relationships will solve our inner longings completely, and that they bring with them there own little load of frustrations.
Hope that as the weekend comes to you, it is something beautiful and relaxing and resting and rejuvenating.
I have seen a mirror fixed, and I have seen love fixed. Sure there will still be lines and cracks will be evident, but it can be put back together, and my sister-in-law is an example of someone who put love back together after by brother smashed the mirror (so to speak) by having an affair.
Some do buy love. I have seen adverts selling love by the hour. What quality of love maybe a different issue, but love can be bought. We all actually buy love, and we each pay a price for love. It depends on how much we are prepared to pay that is the issue, and the price is not always in $$$$$.
True love is hard to find, only because people do not know what true love is. Just like people might look at a rock, not knowing inside is a precious gem because it cannot be seen from the outside.
We brush past many gems in our life, and many potential true loves. Many just look at the outside and think that we should make our decision and choice on that. But it is inside where we find true value, and true love.
That is why I chose my life partner from a different society with different value systems and a different perspective and understanding of relationships.
Many women disagree with my choice. For me, after years of western women's 'evaluation' processes, and a failed marriage due to unrealistic expectations (on the part of my then wife) and of those whom I attempted to date post marriage, I went where things were much simpler, much more straight-forward.
It suited me well.
It doesn't matter what questions we ask of each other, what our 'perfect' partner is in our mind. We all change continuously and constantly. The person we all are today is not the same as the person we were 5 or 10 years ago, or when we were 20 years old (for those of us who are past 40). Thus, our perception of our suitable or loving partner will also change as we change.
Attitude (our beliefs), and expectations are what define our relationships, and define what is a successful relationship. Attitude and expectations also define "love" for us in our relationships.
It is our attitudes that will make or break a relationship. Not how honest we are (because none of us are completely honest all of the time - even with ourselves).
There is no 'magic' formula for who we each fall in love with, there is no 'logical' formula for choosing the 'right' partner.
It is the unrealistic expectation of controlling love that causes so much angst. It we want a pet dog - get a dog. People (men and women) are not like a dog and our love has to be based on better things than our love for a dog.
Women, I feel for you in our narcissistic and gender confused society. Men I feel for you in our narcissistic and gender confused society.
People need to understand each other more. Men need to understand women, and women need to understand men. None of us are who we should really be all the time because we each have our own psychoses.
But relationships that are loving, caring and fulfilling can be entered into by all. It is our attitudes, and our need to control our relationships that prevents many singles from finding a suitable partner.
You are a strong woman, because many people will not admit how they feel, and express their humanity.
Yes, it is better to live alone than with the wrong man. However, I learned after my first marriage that there is no 'right' partner for us. Every person constantly changes as they age and experience life. The person we were at 20 years old, is no longer the person we are now, and this is the same for every other person we meet.
So we can only choose someone who we think is right now, knowing that what is 'now' will change in the future, just as we continue to change.
I am now 3 years married to a Chinese woman. She is very good for me, yet at the same time, our marriage can be difficult because we are each individual personalities, with our unique desires, dreams, needs, wants, and ideas. So our happiness is dependent on our choice to accept each other as we are in this moment. And to accept each other in every moment even as we change. This is what keeps us together in soul and in heart.
Some moments are better than other moments, and we focus on all of them together, so that we remember our good times, and choose not to remember our bad times.
This is our secret to happiness. To think about good things, good times, moments that little things bring happiness to our hearts.
I know how you are feeling, having been very lonely myself. I also know that even surrounded by people and family, I was also lonely as you say.
But I decided not to look for my perfect wife, but to look for my accepting wife so that our life together could be happy not only now, but for every day after. Because I knew we would change from the people we were when we married, and she is now not the same woman as then, and I am not the same man as then.
But we are still in love, committed, and happy together - yes, even when we annoy each other with our own unique annoying habits and personality flaws.
Keep on being strong, Mimi. Keep focusing on good things, pleasant things, and this will help when you feel lonely. I really hope that you can find a man who you love and who loves you in the ways that you need to be loved, so that you do not feel lonely any more.
Your little MiMi is not that the looks of him. Still maybe a kitten.
It is a beautiful thing to take in a stray cat. But be careful to make sure you have been immunised.
Anna also picked up a cat on the streets in Fuzhou, but it scratched her by accident and she needed to have anti-rabies treatment injections because cats in China can have rabies.
So be careful, and enjoy your new family member. He looks beautiful.
Love, it is really something that changes through different life seasons and time, through our experiences.
Love is not sedentry or stagnate, it is alive and like any living thing, it changes over time.
I believe that it is possible to some someone always. This is not a fallacy. It is a fact. Are you telling me that you never loved your parents or family always?
But like all things, this love expresses itself differently at different times. Perhaps even hiding away for a time during our teen years. But still it is there.
Every relationship we ever have leaves its imprint on us, no matter what that imprint is, it is always there.
I don't know if love is like breathing, more like it is living, and like any living thing, it must be cared for and looked after, otherwise it can die.
Many have killed love in themselves and in others.
But love can also be reborn, resurrected from death through faith, belief and effort. Often it takes the two people consenting to this before it can happen.
Love is a whole lot of different things, different expressions, different feelings, different experiences. It is forever a changing thing that changes us, sometimes for the better if we are receptive of love, sometimes for the worse if we are calloused in our heart.
Love has different personalities, different forms, and different effects.
It is a dangerous thing and a beautiful thing and it has negatives as well as positives.
You can drown in the ocean, so can you drown in love. It must have its proper place, along side uncommon sense, rational thinking, and proper decision making.
Why do some remain in abusive relationships? Warped love is one reason.
Yes, love must be balanced and other things need to be equal with it in a person if it is to enhance and compliment and a person and cause them to shine bright in a dark world.
It sounds like your sister has a mental illness. Come on. She is married, and still wants this man and doesn't want any other woman to get his attention?
What a narcissistic fruit cake you have for a sister....
I suppose you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives....
Just tell her to back off, enjoy the attention of this man for you, and get on with your life. You have a right to be happy, and your sister will not make you happy.
Yep. I didn't marry my first wife until I was thirty-five. I didn't really date all that much prior to then either.
Sometimes marriage doesn't happen for people, in fact, stats tell us that approx 10% of the world population doesn't get married or have a lasting marriage type relationship.
You may pass away without ever "falling in love" with someone. But love isn't about you "falling" into it. Love is about choice, and decision to stick out your choice.
Just as you want the special someone, so to does that someone who you reject.
Nothing wrong with rejection, but after a while, perspectives begin to change and what you once thought was right for you, may change.
As we age, this seems to happen.
My first marriage lasted 10 years, then my first missus decided that, like a used TV she didn't want any more, it was time to ditch the relationship and ensure that my daughter didn't have anything more to do with me.
Well, so much for her Christianity.
Now, I am married to someone of a faith that I would never have imagined that I could be with, and I am happier than ever.
Funny how perspectives can change, and how love can come from the places we least expect or imagine that it could be.
Just wanted to share this insight with you. Maybe your "falling in love" might just be waiting for you to open a door somewhere you would least expect to find it, with someone you would never imagine yourself 'falling in love' with.
Yep. Upsetting is the word. I choose not to watch the news for that very reason. It focuses on the negative and does not report much of the good that is in the world.
A wise man wrote a long time ago to look for the good, concentrate on the positive, and reflect on the lovely, beautiful things.
There is much in the world that is lovely, beautiful, positive. But you won't find much of it on the news.
Fighting will always remain while humans seek to control other people, seek power, wealth and luxury at the expense of others.
Since recorded history there have been zero days on the whole of the earth where there has not been a war raging somewhere.
This is nature. Look at the sun, it gives its positive heat and warmth to us through its raging conflict and storms.
Our earth is maintained at living temperature through conflict and resistance to the solar radiation that would destroy it if it were not for the magnetic shield and ozone.
All of creation is a balance between the negative and destructive that when in its correct place and limits, produce positive outcomes for us to be able to live.
It is perception. Think about other things, wonder at how we live because of the conflict raging in space.
Our world, and our universe is awash with wonder and amazing things. We just have to look and see it.
I think it is possible to be introduced to other people you would never meet if it were not for being on here.
I found my life partner here. And I found many beautiful and wonderful friends here.
But to find your soulmate will depend entirely on you, on your perceptions, on your attitude, on your effort. There is no difference to finding love in the real world.
In fact, you have to find your love in the real world. This is just a medium to introduce you to others that you them must take offline and into the real world to make any relationship really world and really real.
Everything comes down to how much you really want it, what effort you are really willing to put in, what you really prepared to do to find and accept true love.
You can find it anywhere if you really want it. But often it is our own limiting beliefs, our own double-standards that prevent us finding what is often right in front of us.
We desire that which is often out of our league. We want perfection in others, while wanting them to accept us as we are (imperfect).
You can find your soulmate. There are thousands of them, millions of them on this planet. But it is our attitude and our limiting perceptions that prevent many from finding them.
When one discards the limiting thoughts and perceptions, it is amazing what can happen.
I could have married quite a few beautiful and amazing women that I met on this site. I settled on one and am very happy.
Work is a good distraction when we do not have a real life of balance. We can hide away from our true thoughts and feelings when we are at work. We can hide away from being lonely.
We should work to live, not live to work. There is a big difference between working to live, and living to work.
When we are a true peace in ourselves, we do not need to work so much because we find that we do need more time for other things.
What your story reveals is that love is a mindset, we choose how we will love or not love someone. After a person dies, it is the living's perspective that changes and all of a sudden their memories and devotion changes.
That is the reality of love, it is a perception, a choice and a decision. Sure we get 'feelings' or infactuation with others, we desire different to what we have, but it is only choice to either remain and love, or to divorce and hate that is the difference.
Relationships are complicated. Remorse is often what accompanies death, but as you said, then it is too late.
Human being must decide what they will do, and no matter what, change in another will always happen as we grown older and change.
But it is our decision to love that can remain strong and binding us to others.
All of us will one day die. This is reality. There is no avoiding this, and sometimes it helps to remember this so that we remember what really is important in life.
I have not yet met a dying person who ever said to me that they wished they worked more, or bought a bigger house, or had more holidays. I have heard many say that they wished they spent more time with their family, friends and relationships.
That is real perspective that unfortunately most do not come to until, as you say, it is too late.
But for us who are not yet there, we can learn now, change now, and begin a new perspective now. We can choose to love now, to accept others now, and to live now.
We just have to decide to do it. That's the real challenge and real choice we must make....
Hi. If this was true love, then it would not matter if she was an immigrant. If she pretended to be a citizen first, and this was not true, then I can understand why the boyfriend might be suspicious.
In my country men have married foreign women thinking that they loved them only to find out that they married them to stay in the country, and then divorced them afterwards.
I married a Chinese woman, but she did not live here when we began to date. Then she moved here after we decided to marry.
This was a better way because we first loved each other knowing we were not of the same country and culture. Afterwards, we decided which country to live in.
It is wrong for anybody to not be honest with another person from the start. Honesty is always the best policy. Otherwise dishonesty leads to distrust and suspicion, and no relationship can last while there is little or no trust and while there is suspicion.
Yes, it is very difficult to love fall in love with someone that we cannot be with.
But, if we have loved someone and they have done the wrong thing in the relationship and walked out on us, it is very good to forgive that person, but also acknowledge that what they did is wrong and to be wary of wanting to get back together with someone who could quite easily hurt us again.
People think the to forgive is to let go of the wrong. This is not true. Forgiveness of that person is to allow us to move onto someone else without the bad baggage of that other person. Forgiveness is to let us love someone else as they deserve without the ghost of our ex-partner.
Every relationship leaves its tattoo on our heart, and sadly each new relationship never gets all of our heart, because some of our heart has been broken off and given to those who came before.
This is reality, and we never forget those who we were in relationship before, just as we try not to make the same mistakes and allow ourselves to fall in love with someone who will hurt us the same way again.
Hi. it is sad that what you say is true. But I have had the same experiences from women.
Many people are selfish, self-centred, and calloused of heart. They don't know love, and they do not know how to love.
Our world is increasing about self gratification now. Everything is cheap and throw-away, so many people treat their relationships as cheap and throw-away as well.
I hope you are well and that you keep strong. I am sure that a good and right man will see your worth and come wanting to be with you for life.
Vietnam has many beautiful places. Some of the roads have absolutely beautiful, world class views. I really love the Hai Van Pass heading north. It is also relatively deserted yet spectacular.
Some are born with certain genetic adaptations that give some an advantage in our world as it is now. Others did better at different times in history or will do better in times yet to come.
We are conditioned by our beliefs and thinking to be able to succeed or not under some circumstances that contribute to our journey and our experiences of life.
Sometimes we are just in the right place at the right time, or the wrong place at the wrong time.
I think that our lives are a combination of destiny (ultimate outcome) and other factors (some we can control, some we cannot).
After all some do win the lotto despite the odds.....
Halv0 Blog Comments (196)
RE: Want/need
The short answer is the human Psyche.Many people need to be wanted and needed. I wouldn't have married my wife if I felt she didn't need me. I wouldn't have felt "special" to her.
If you really, really like a man, and got that response from him, how secure would you feel if you wanted a marriage with him?
Maybe you'd feel completely secure, but for most of us 'mere mortals', security in a relationship involved more than just being wanted - being needed takes the intimacy to the next level. And that, I feel, is where the magic happens.....