I beg, borrow and steal them. People send me stuff, some not suitable for the young ones Send by women by the way. There is another forum where I go too, but mostly come to read and steal. Or I go to good old Google, tons of stuff there.
Morris an 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty two year old bride who's pregnant with my child! . . . What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle... *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "EXACTLY!" Cheers ..
THE REDHEAD A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
Yeah that guy at Walmart filling in his resume was a good one. I was working free-lance for a while when living in California and became fed up filling out applications even having worked for the same company a week earlier. One question was; What are you goals in life, so one day I wrote; Owning this company. I have just discovered that my sense of humour too is slightly sarcastic.
Yeah life is just a bowl of cherries la dee la dee la.
I really do feel sorry for some of the elderly. You can't call anyone anymore without all the rickemoroo. Even the stupid answering service. You think your done when it says; When you hear the beep leave your message and instead of being able to do so, you have to listen to several more sentences.
True story how someone got back at her bank it was so funny the manager had it put in the New york Times
Dear Sir :
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,of course,to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone
calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become
From now on,I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete . I am sorry it runs to eight pages , but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me , there is no alternative . Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by
a Notary Public , and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation ( income , debts , assets and liabilities )
must be accompanied by documented proof . In due course ,
at MY convenience , I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but , again , I
have modeled it on the number of button presses required of
me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say , imitation is the sincerest form of flattery Let me level the playing field even further When you call
me , press buttons as follows :
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING , PRESS THE STAR ( * )
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1 . To make an appointment to see me
#2 . To query a missing payment .
#3 . To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
#4 . To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5 . To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature
#6 . To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home
#7 . To leave a message on my computer , a password to
access to my computer is required . Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier .
#8 . To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7 .
#9 . To make a general complaint or inquiry . The contact will
then be put on hold , pending the attention of my
automated answering service .
#10 . This is a second reminder to press * for English
While this may , on occasion , involve a lengthy wait ,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call Regrettably , but again following your example , I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement May I wish you a happy , if ever so slightly less
prosperous New Year ? Your Humble Client
( Remember : This was written by a 86 year old woman )
Hey your okay Arabella, your bringing up some great points. You think anyone is listening? You sure made me laugh
You may have these "Whipper Snappers" looking at us with different eyes now huh? Right; hey guys we are assets! You had not yet realized it yet huh, so now help us great women with their networking. Honestly have run out of idea's now. Do make sure the guy has a polse.
Tell, has this thread helped you in anyway yet? Their loss really, shows me they are not too bright? No one so far, got any other idea's that could help us? I wonder if anyone is listening.
Come one guys you must know someone that would be just right for us. Would you not love me to be your step-mommy? I'll bake you cookies! I am very flexable any more flexable and you could call me a pretzel. Now about my other attributes, I have a resume and referances.
Please don't overload our mail box, thank you. Oh go ahead, jamm the darn thing.
Hmmmm well ahum what do you have that I don't? Not even scammers mail me anymore. Think in the boiler room they got the message. As I answered a few; "Hi 419" that is the name number of the game they play.
Google it; 419 scams, they even have a song.
Life is just a bowl of cherries..............la dee la dee la......
I am an analyzer and sooner or later I get answers to my own questions. All the institutions have; Rules, regulations. It was THIS that I was craving as I did not have this at home. Rules and regulations; mean security! Today they would laugh at my trying to attempt something, tomorrow for the same thing, I would get a slap. I never knewo where I was standing. No one ever asked me with corner I prefered to land it either Not playing fair!
This doctor's face would lit up like Christmas lights as he was getting entertainment from me. Hey he learned somthing to. Now that you see the answer, it really was not that difficult was it?
Yes that was not nice not too pay you and not very conductive either. Next time make them pay you first, as you have proven you come up with good idea's.
Okay; If you were of work for more than four weeks you could not come back until you visited with a psychiatrist. This man was supposed to be the very best in town. This question of mine stompted him he had no answer for me.
Question; Why was I fasinated by watching/reading about prisons, boarding schools, institutions etc. What would have been your answer?
hollandgirl Forum Posts (4,464)
Letter to my bank manager................very funny me thinks lol
That is one thing I have never groveled for anyone.Growing up in Holland we were always confronted with
class distingtions.
Mr. this and Mr. that.