Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane. The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. “This is not what you promised me,” said Osama.
“Now c'mon, Osama,” the angel replied. “I TOLD you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven.”
I like watching it fall from the sky, but I don't like when it sticks to the windshield so thick that the defroster can't keep up with it. I don't even mind driving in it, provided all the 4-wheel drive idiots who think they know how to drive in it, but don't, stay off the highway.
It's beautiful when it's in the woods or someone else's driveway, but not quite so pretty when your cows are calving and it's snowing sideways and the grader operator picks your driveway to run out of fuel in front of.
It's great for Christmas, but sucks when you were planning on going Crappie fishing but get hit with a late spring blizzard, instead.
It's fantastic in the mountains, but not on the 4th of July when you're at eleven thousand feet, 25 miles from the nearest road and have family and friends who are expecting you back from your backpacking trip the next day.
Yep, out of all the things - both good and bad - that I have experienced, snow is definitely one of them!
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical...
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control...
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest)...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with two sticks even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, “What can I do?”
The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”
The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I can not change the words.”
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
“Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’”
And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t change the words.”
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
The Pope replies, “Let me get back to you.”
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”
Every lunch hour "Dave" picked up a can of dog food at the deli, went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Dave's behavior and finally couldn't resist offering some advice.
"I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know that stuff isn't a very healthy diet for a human. In fact, eating it could kill you."
"Thanks for the advice, Doc," said Dave, wolfing down another forkful, "but I've been eating it for years now and I feel fine."
The doctor shrugged and walked off. A few months later he noticed Dave was missing from his bench, and after a while he asked another park regular what had happened.
"He's dead."
The doctor shook his head, "I told him that dog food would kill him."
"It wasn't the dog food that did it," the fellow reported. "He was sitting on the curb licking his balls when a truck backed over him."
- You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. - You ski uphill. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You lick your coffeepot clean. - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - Cocaine is a downer. - You don't need a hammer to pound nails. - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - People get dizzy just watching you. - You've worn the finish off your coffee table. - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - Instant coffee takes too long. - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - You don't tan, you roast. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail.
I may go down in flames for this, and I probably should. But, somehow, I just couldn't resist!
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!"
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care, and you will be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
I'm with you, Mitchell! BUT... I just somehow doubt it's gonna' happen!
Somebody will complain that they don't have any 'good' pics of themselves, somebody else will say that they just don't know how to do it and some poor benighted soul somewhere is bound to claim that it's a matter of Nat'l security or some such nonsense. Still others may decide to "do the scammer thing" and post someone else's picture and we STILL won't know who we're talking to...
Have you ever stopped to think whether the inanimate things around us also have genders? Believe it or not, they do! Check out these things we use in our daily lives, who would have thought!?!
Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons Are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A tire is male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A hot air balloon is male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A web page is female, because it's always getting hit on.
A subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An hourglass is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A hammer is male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A remote control is female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps! trying!
Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young, Merrill Lynch, Sacco and Vanzetti - The Ever Present Footsteps 'Cross the Hallways of the Mem'ries of Your Heart!
Just Kidding!
One of my favorites is a by a rather obscure, but phenomenally talented artist: Mike Cross - High Powered, Low Flying.
Besides containing some of the most evocative original songs I've ever heard, Mike Cross is a whiz at any instrument he picks up. And he is also one of the best "Mountain Balladeers" I've ever listened to.
The Bee he is a busy soul, He has no time for birth control! That is why, in time like these, There are so many Sons of B's...
...Actually most of what I write and publish are more along the lines of story poems or ballads. And with the 4,000 character limit here, it's next to impossible to fit them within the confines of the forums - And I'd rather not slice them up into multiple posts just to put them here. Besides with writers like Bajan and Galactic, you don't need my long winded rhyming stories...
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge ____ (b) sail the ocean ____ (c) lead an army or ____ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) ____ (a) Jewish ____ (b) CATHOLIC ____ (c) Hindu ____ (d) Polish ____ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called? ____ (a) Westerners ____ (b) Southerners ____ (c) Northerners
The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)
Howdy Trace! 
Religious Retribution...
(This has made the rounds, but it's still cute!)Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?”
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. “This is not what you promised me,” said Osama.
“Now c'mon, Osama,” the angel replied. “I TOLD you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven.”