This is dedicated to Bajunblue. If I could write like Bajunblue, I wouldn't be writing like the Kansan...
It is early morning and, once again, I am on the front porch anticipating the sunrise. In a few minutes it will actually be light enough to see if I can dig out the splinter I got from stepping out without my slippers. I like standing on the porch in the early morning and checking my e-mail on my laptop. I tell my wife that it is because it is so peaceful and serene, but she says that it is because I have the blood of Scotsmen in my veins and the front porch is the only place where I can receive free wi-fi.
The sun is just beginning to shine through the trees and for a moment I thought we’d had a heavy dew, the way it sparkled like the jewels of a thousand crowns… But then I realized instead, that I must have splattered my glasses with water while filling the coffee pot in the dark. No matter, it is still pretty in its own way.
I hear the neighbor’s rooster, down the hill, and think to myself that I really need to start building a chicken coop for my wife. Then I realize that what I should be thinking instead is that I should build a chicken coop so that my wife can have a place to keep and raise chickens! It also occurs to me that the neighbor’s rooster must either be four hundred years old or queer. Never have I heard such a high-pitched, sickly screech from a bird who dares to claim rooster status. When I get around to building the coop, it will be on the condition that the rooster, if rooster there be, at least sound like he has a pair.
The neighbors from up the ridge will be on their ways to work and school shortly, and it strikes me that maybe I should slip inside and put on some britches before they start driving by and waving. This will protect what little modesty I have left, and also give me an excuse to re-fill my coffee cup.
My lovely wife will be getting up in a few minutes to let the dogs out for the second time, and once again I will apologize for not having kept them corralled and muzzled in the living room so that they would not wake her with their boisterous, bed-rollicking ways. She will kiss me and we will embrace and I will realize, yet again, that this is the best part of the morning. And, as I turn to follow her inside and stub my toe on the door jamb, I will grumble and swear and give silent thanks that she loves me despite my ineptitude. I love my life – Good morning, East Tennessee!
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.
The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
Replies the redhead, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde, after thinking for a while, replies, “Don’t you have a vase?”
Ok, I'll give it a shot! (And since it's a coffee shop, I'll try to keep things business specific.)
Dear Ms. Icekrystal,
This morning when my wife asked how I wanted my coffee, I replied that "I like my coffee the way I like my women; Hot and ready to pass out!" She responded by smiling demurely and pouring the coffee in my lap.
My question is this: Do I wring out my britches, make my own coffee or simply start over with roses and breakfast in bed?
This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors. Having recently (two weeks ago, today!) become a NON-Batchelor, I thought I'd pass this along for the edification and enlightenment of those who are not quite so fortunate as I...
1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
7. EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
18. SALT: It never spoils.
19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your refrigerator to gauge this.
It struck me that we have many writers, both published and otherwise, here on CS, as well as a couple of superb editors. So I thought I'd pass along some writing tips sent to me by an editor and friend, in the hopes that we can all become a little better:
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliche's like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc...
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliche's.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
3. Favourite food? Steak. Followed by beer, pizza, beer flavored pizza and pizza soaked in beer.
4. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes - Thank God!
5. What are your favorite yarns? Angora and virgin wool. (The latter comes from ugly sheep!)
6. What is the worst song you have ever heard? Lawrence Welk singing "I can't go no-um satisfaction-uh"
7. Favourite drink? Pizza flavored beer. (See above)
8. What colour is your bed? Is rumpled a color?
9. What do you do most often when you are bored? I go downtown, get a great parking place and then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
10. Last person you had dinner with? Jackson - The love of my life.
11. What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done? I once attended a dog show wearing a T-shirt that read "Cats rule and dogs drool!"
12. How many pets do you have? Counting fleas?
13. What are your hobbies? Buckling swashes and trying to find even more uses for powdered goat milk.
14. How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? That would depend on how old I'm going to be before I stop waking up each day.
15. Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? No. If I am romantically attracted, then I am also physically attracted.
16. Do you have any allergies? To what?
17. What are the three most important consideration about the person you want to meet? I have to recuse myself on this one, as I've already met her.
18. How do you feel about sports? I like to think that I'm a good one.
19. Anything else that you would like to say? Naw, I think that pretty well sums things up!
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Enjoy!
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums. Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.
Actually, it's in storage. But I'm sure I'll need it when I start building the chicken coop! (Which is different than a chicken sedan, because it only has two doors!)
I have a feeling that this should be sent to every employee, anywhere, who uses a computer for their job - Even if they don't know what 'I.T.' stands for...
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.
9. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in A scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.
12. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don’t learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “My thingy blew up”.
The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)
(Which is different than a chicken sedan, because it only has two doors!)
RE: Great Albums...and your reasons, however brief.
Dr. Hook - Cover of the Rolling StonesClassic Rockabilly!