My great grandfather was all over Kansas and the "Territories" before returning to Illinois and marrying his boyhood sweetheart. Though they lived in Oklahoma for awhile, my grandfather was raised in Alaska, where the family homesteaded in the late 1800's. My older brothers were all born in California and I came along after mom & dad moved to Kansas where mom's family was from.
We have long been a family of travelers and it hasn't stopped yet.
Oh yes! We use it to vent our frustrations, make new friends, share a laugh, commiserate our woes and, occasionally, to find that very special someone who makes all our heretofore fruitless searching VERY worthwhile!
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can`t even ride a bicycle.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That`s not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That`s not creative." Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine."
Thirteen things dogs don`t understand 1. It`s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It`s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3.He shouldn`t jump on your bed when he`s sopping wet.
4.The command "SHUT THE BLOODY F*%@ UP!" means just that!
5. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
6. Crapping on the floor is not something deserving of a treat!
7.Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid!
8.No, we said SIT!
9. I know its a nice leg, but don`t ride it.
10. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk.
11. Just because I`m eating, doesn`t mean you can.
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I`m not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
13.No, it`s my food! Oh alright then, just a small piece....
I'd grumble a little, probably utter a few profane syllables... And then I'd get on with life. At one time or another, we all have to do without and it seldom kills any of us. 'Seems to me that in modern society we have gotten soft. And very spoiled. If I can't find the socks I want, or realize that I'm out of cigarettes, I try to remember the times when I didn't have a decent pair of shoes or couldn't afford to BUY cigarettes. ...Kinda' puts things in the proper perspective!
Well put indeed! As one who acquired a love of history and words (and who correctly uses the word "mellifluous" ) at the knee of my father, I can certainly, relate, appreciate and reciprocate.
Admittedly, I am somewhat biased and lean more towards American History and the American language. (We don't really speak English here - we speak American and the thread a few evenings back about someone "getting pissed" is a classic example.) Be that as it may, as one who travels the country for living and is constantly exposed to a myriad of dialects - all "English" - I find that my love of words and their various usages continues to expand. And my love of humor and appreciation for the absurdly literal increases as well. Where else but America could you find a road sign that reads "Left turn prohibited - To go left, turn right three times."?
Sounds like a plan! The only problem I foresee in doing it that way is this: If you quit smoking, you'll live longer. If you live longer, you'll need more money for retirement. Maybe you should just cut down on your smoking instead? (Sorry, it's just the way my brain works!)
One last joke before (hopefully!) hitting the road today. Enjoy:
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it`s time to tell him he`s adopted."
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it. Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop : "Oh miss, that`s not the speed limit, that`s the name of the highway you`re on!" Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop : "Excuse me miss, what`s wrong with your friends back there? They`re shaking something awful." Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she`ll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That`s it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who`s that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That`s His mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
A gentleman is sitting on a deserted beach watching the sunset when he notices something half buried in the sand. He pulls it out and sees that it is a heavy, jewel encrusted bottle. As he brushes off the sand, the bottle begins to shake and emit various colored clouds of smoke, then...POOF! A Genie appears from out of the bottle.
The Genie lavishes praise on the man, regales him with his story, and finally gets around to the `you have three wishes` part of the tale.
So the guy thinks about it for awhile and says "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and afraid to go on a boat, so for my first wish I want a highway from here to Hawaii."
The Genie at first is amazed at the character of the man and asks instead if he would not want "all the money... fame... glory... vast amounts of property... yadda, yadda, yadda... Nope, wish one is for the highway!
The Genie tells him that doing something like that borders almost on the impossible. The time, resources, and energy required to fulfill such a wish would most likely leave the Genie drained for thousands of years... Is there something else, anything - even wishing for more wishes - that he might want?
The man again pauses and thinks for awhile then says "Well, I have always wanted to understand women."
The Genie replies, "So this highway, did you want two lanes or four?"
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It`s pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won`t let me fart!"
I don't reckon that I'm quite as eloquent as tracy (Galactic Bodhi) but still, I've been know to put some words together and make 'em rhyme ever' now and then. And some of them words have even been published! Here's some that I ain't quite had the nerve to publish... YET!
Not Yet...
We 'uz bendin' elbows an' swappin' lies Down at the Come On Inn, Presidin' over us an' expoundin' facts Was Encyclopedia Jim.
He was called "Encyclopedia" 'cause there just didn't seem to be A single thing he didn't know. He had a brain just crammed with knowledge... An' he often told us so!
We'd tried to stump him from Mobeetie to Dodge, An' tried to trick 'im a time or two - But he 'uz just too smart for the likes of us! (An' he often said that, too!)
So we paid close attention that evening When this feller come walkin' in. He looked around the bar room - Then headed straight for Jim...
He looked like most any other cowpoke, In his spurs an' boots an' chaps. ...Had a newspaper tucked up underneath one arm. We thought; "He's a educated man, perhaps!"
Says he, "Well i-danged! Encylopedia Jim! You just the one I been lookin' for!" Jim said, "Well ya' found me - Whatcha' wanna' know?" And the stranger's jaw dropped near to the floor!
He stammered, "H-how d-did you know I wanted to know..." (We all pushed in close to watch the show.) Jim says, "Well you wouldn't be lookin' for me if'n ya' didn't have a question - So go ahead an' ask... I'm bound to know!"
The cowpoke regained his composure and asked a question That I never will forget! Says he; "Encyclopdia Jim, can ya' tell me, Sir... Where is a woman's yet?"
"WHAT?!!!" "A woman's yet, Y-E-T Can ya' tell me where it's at?" Well, Jim's eyebrows shot up so fast He like to darn near lost his hat!
"Well of all the foolish..." The feller said, "I asked a civil question, Sir, You promised me you'd know! But if ya' don't, then just admit it, An' I'll take my leave an' go."
Now Jim seen this feller was about as serious as... Well... A cowpoke'd ever get. Says he; "Mister, I don't know who you been talkin' to, But women... They don't got no yet!"
"Why yes they do!" the man replied "No, no they don't." Says Jim. The feller looked around an' winked at us - We just stared straight back at him.
"Why sure they do!" "Sure they don't!" "Yes, by gosh they do!" And "No they don't!!!" And back and forth, Til Jim's face was turning blue!
And still, "By Gawd, they do!" and "By Gawd, they don't!" And even so forth, on an' on: "Heck yeah!" "Heck no!" "Hell, yeah!" "HELL, NO!" Til Jim's voice was nearly gone!
The stranger said, "I've got a fifty dollar bill, If you'd care to make a bet!" Jim says, "Friend, I'll tell ya' one last time - A WOMAN DON'T GOT NO YET!"
"Just put yer money where yer ol' smart mouth is!" The stranger there replied. In one hand he clutched a fifty dollar bill , The other still held that newspaper at his side.
Jim stared straight ahead for ten long seconds, Then dug his money out at last. Says he; "I covered yer bet- Now whar's yer proof?" And the feller grinned! "I thought you'd never ask!"
He whupped that paper up and folded it out, says; "Now, cast yer eyes on this! You'll see a woman's got a Yet... Tho' I still don't yet know where it is!!!"
Jim stared at the paper and shook his head. His smile was soft and sad... He layed his money on the bar, an' says; "Boys - I know when I've been had!"
He shrugged into his duster, And, as his eyes drooped to the floor, Says he; "Congratulations, boys! Ya' finally done it!" Then he sloped on out the door.
Well, we framed that newspaper and hung it where all could read Them words I'll not forget... The headline said simply: "YOUNG WOMAN Shot in her apartment..."
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She`s listing to starboard, Captain!") Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don`t know why I`m mad at you, then I`m certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
I'd like to apologize to my third grade teacher - I really didn't know that she didn't like snakes.
I'd like to apologize to the snake - I swear I really believed her when she said that she loved all creatures.
I'd like to apologize to the janitor - I didn't know she was going do that much damage to her desk and the blackboard. (And the trash can!)
I'd like to apologize to the rest of the kids in the room - I didn't realize that what I initially thought were shrieks of joy would lead to pre-mature hearing loss as middle-aged adults.
There are probably others to whom I should apologize, but the thing is - Very seldom do good people start out to deliberately offend and/or otherwise intentionally hurt other folks. Sometimes you're just trying to help brighten someone's day, or get something off your chest. And sometimes folks have maybe had a bad day and react differently than you thought they would...
The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)
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RE: anyone with a scottish history
My great grandfather was all over Kansas and the "Territories" before returning to Illinois and marrying his boyhood sweetheart. Though they lived in Oklahoma for awhile, my grandfather was raised in Alaska, where the family homesteaded in the late 1800's. My older brothers were all born in California and I came along after mom & dad moved to Kansas where mom's family was from.We have long been a family of travelers and it hasn't stopped yet.