At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations required a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman - already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Well dear friends, I am once again celebrating that annual event which says, like wine and cheese, that I have gotten 1 year better. (For those who might be curious, today is the 7th anniversery of my 39th birthday!)
This year is different than years past - This year I am truly happy for the first time in a long, long time. And the reason for that happiness is because of (you guessed it!) Connecting Singles! Not just because of the dear, dear friends I've made here (although that is reason enough in, and of, itself!) -- But because of a very special lady that I met through this site. The one, it seems, that I've been looking for over the past (dare I say it out loud?) 46 years. In fact, I'm sitting at her computer as I type this and nothing would please me more than to spend the next 46 anniverseries of my 39th birthday in her company. Truly one of a kind - A wonderful friend and beautiful lover, I can honestly say that she completes me.
Sooooo... Happy Birthday to me! And thank you CS, for all the wonderful friends I've made and for helping me find the light of my life! Like the beer commercial used to say: "It just doesn't get any better than this!" (Except that, somehow, I believe it will only CONTINUE to get better!)
And for those who appreciate my humor, a small birthday joke: In the days of the old west: One day a badass badman explodes through the batwing doors of the local saloon -- "All right, all you dirty skunks, CLEAR OUT!!!" Well of course there was a rush of a**hole and elbows for the door and when the dust cloud cleared the Bad man noticed a tall, redhaired, Kansan sitting at the end of the bar calmly sipping his whisky. The bad man glared at the plainsman and said, "Well?!!" The Kansan looked up, took a sip of his whisky and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't there?"
"Whenever I see your smilin' face, I have to smile myself..."
and,
"So c'mon say it! Say it again! It sounds so good say it one more time and then - Oh, if you mean it, say it again: The hard part's over and the loving part begins."
And as Flat & Scruggs play in the background: "You are my flower, that's bloomin' in the mountain so high. You are my flower, that's bloomin' there for me!" We stumble off into the sunset, side by side and heart to heart...
I grew up with four older brothers and it seemed that no matter what I did, one of them had already done it better, faster or more completely. For instance, when I joined the Army it was after 2 of my brothers had already done stints in the Navy and a third in the Marines. When I started rodeoing, I tried to tell my folks that I'd become a bareback bronc rider, but my brother Shorty had already ridden BULLS. So I finally just quit telling my family what I was doing and started living life on my terms, for me. Since then, I've had more heartaches and bigger headaches, but my joys have been more complete and my triumphs more satisfying.
I love my family, but if I allow them, even vicariously, to run the order of my life or try to live my life in a manner pleasing to them, then I am considerably less than a man. And considerably less happy. They mean the world to me, but they are NOT my whole world. Better to let THEM down than to let MYSELF down. After all, "I'm" the one who has to live with ME!
These are actual notes written to landlords - Enjoy!
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my nob off."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
One day you might be asked to give a recommendation for someone that doesn't really deserve it. If you can't say something nice, try saying something ambiguous:
To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
To describe a person with lackluster credentials: "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
That it is simply easier to do for another than it is to do for themselves. That while life can be a ton of fun by yourself, it is infinitely more rewarding when the finer moments can be shared.
Take me for instance - I've seen sunrises on the San Rafael Swell in Utah that were living proof of the adage that "There are times, when no matter what the attitude of the body, the soul is on it's knees." And I was awed and humbled and infinitely satisfied and yet my soul ached for someone to share it with. Someone who needed me to show them the aching beauty of an incredibly lonely place.
I'm not worth a darn when it comes to changing my own oil, but it was a pleasure to change my ex-wife's oil. Doing for others gives me pleasure and makes me feel good. I just can't quite get that same pleasure out of doing something for myself. I guess feeling like there is someone, somewhere who cares if you live or die and "needs" you to live to make their life better simply makes your own life just a little bit more worthwhile.
You're welcome Sheila... Tommy was killed by stray dogs while "protecting" his property. It was senseless - We'd gone to a Mountain man rendezvous for the weekend and my (now ex) wife had left the back door open with only the screen door closed, I guess not remembering that Tommy was perfectly capable of undoing the latch. The poor old guy didn't have a tooth in his head, but my neighbor lady said that when the dogs entered the yard he attacked like a tiny mountain lion. He was all heart!
At Sheila's request, I'm going to share something VERY personal. It's not easy to do this - after more than 6 years, it STILL hurts...
"How do you say Goodbye?"
by Don McCrary (A.K.A. The Kansan)
How do you say goodbye to a friend you've known For almost half your life? A friend who brought you joy, yet still was there Through the sorrow and the strife.
A friend who was there through thick and thin, And made you laugh, but let you cry. A friend who, suddenly, was torn away. How do you say goodbye?
I was lucky enough to share a bond with someone which went way beyond anything I've ever experienced. A bond that somehow managed to transcend all of our physical limitations. In late October of 2000, that someone was torn away from me suddenly and violently. It left me empty inside... And feeling as if I'd lost a twin.
That someone was very much a part of who I am and who I aspire to be... That someone was a very special fifteen year old yellow tabby tomcat, named Tommy. Now, it seems because he was "just a cat", I was not supposed to hurt as much as I would have, had he been human. Why?
Why is it that you hear of "pets" sacrificing themselves for their "owners", but never hear of an "owner" sacrificing a life for a "pet"? Is the equation that one sided?
Why is it that friendships can transcend races and religions and cultural differences, but not species? Are we humans really that superior?
I've done the same things for Tommy, over the years, that I've done for our human children; I played with him, talked to him, held him... I cleaned up after him, made sure he had plenty to eat, and I took him to the doctor when he wasn't feeling good. I scolded him for doing wrong and rewarded him for doing right. And mostly, same as any child, I loved him unconditionally.
And yet an acquaintance offered to send a condolence card if Tommy had been human. And a "friend" asked my wife if I had "gotten over that damn cat, yet?" Why?
Why is it ok to love a human with all your heart and soul, but not ok to show that same love and devotion to a friend with four legs?
Why do people say things like, "Well, if you'd lost a kid or friend, I could understand, but it was just a cat! Get over it!"? Why?
My answer to all of these questions is this:
Tommy was more humane and human than most people I've met. He gave more, asked for less, and accepted my faults with less judgement than any "human" I've ever known. In short, he was a true friend... And I am a better person for having known him. He was my best friend, and now he is gone and I still miss him terribly...
I feel sorry for those who can never understand the bond I had with "that damn cat". And I pity those who never find that kind of bond with another person, two legged or four legged...
And for what it's worth – At the time of Tommy’s passing I was a 39 year old rough, tough, red blooded American male. And I am not ashamed to admit that I cried for three days straight after I buried my best friend with my own two hands...
Ah yes, coffee! Nectar of the Gods and truckdriver starting fluid! I'll take mine black with 1/2 tspn of sugar - Just enough to taste, not enough to influence!
People don't often mean what they say, especially during job interviews. Here are some phrases often exchanged between employers and employees - and what they really mean.
Employer Lingo:
"Competitive Salary" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast-Paced Team" We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Duties Will Vary" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must Have an Eye For Detail" We have no quality control.
"Career-Minded" Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.
"Apply in Person" If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
"No Phone Calls Please" We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience" You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
"Problem-Solving Skills a Must" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
Employee's Lingo:
"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'm honest, hardworking and dependable" I pilfer office supplies.
"My pertinent work experience includes..." I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I take pride in my work" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'm personable" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.
"I'm extremely professional" I carry a Day-Timer.
"I am adaptable" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I am on the go" I'm never at my desk.
"I'm highly motivated to succeed" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
Hmmm... People do things for their own reasons and when they DO finally deign to speak to you again, they say things like: "It's not you, it's me." and "You have so much to offer." and "I never meant to hurt you." And it seems like nothing ever really gets resolved. Kinda' makes one wonder what ever became of just being upfront and honest?
Best thing to do is move on and don't look back. Just let go and be glad it's done now, instead of a year from now.
Wish him all the best and mean it! And don't carry any grudges, they'll only weigh you down and make the next step harder to take. The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy...
Aw c'mon now! This is funny stuff, I don't care who ya' are - This is funny right here!
(And I actually DO remember posting it as Ks_Plainsman, but we have some new folks here that I thought might enjoy it and I'm too lazy to dig up the original thread!)
Sad, but true commentary on the state of affairs in the world today.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey every again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
*
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. *
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. *
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. *
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... *
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... *
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. *
If all is not lost, where is it? *
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. *
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... *
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. *
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. *
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. *
Accidents in the back seat cause kids. *
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... *
It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere. *
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. *
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. *
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? *
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... *
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. *
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. *
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. *
I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE ALREADY POSTED THIS OR NOT! *
Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...
The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)
*slinks back into his den to ponder his reading/comprehension ablilities)
Microsoft vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.