The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)

New guy on the job...

'Morning Dave! How's it going?

New guy on the job...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

RE: What is a good age to settle down?

It varies from person to person. Some are ready to settle down and get married while in their 20's, some need to sew some wild oats or experience life and aren't ready until their 30's. Still others are never truly ready to settle down. To quote a refrain from a Mike Cross song:

Uncle Josh had his tombstone engraved
Just about an hour 'fore he passed away.
And it still stands where we laid him in the ground.
It says "I lived a long and happy life,
Loved a hundred women like they were my wife
And now, as you can see, I've settled down."

You see livin', at it's longest,
Is just a short trek to the grave
So you might as well go ahead and enjoy
What you can along the way.
Cause if a doctor said you were goin' to die,
Well, wouldn't you do as you please?
So listen here, brother,
Life's just another terminal disease...



Each person has to decide when is the right time for them. And no one really knows until it happens.

RE: What was your most embarrasing moment ever?

You're not alone - That happened three months ago and last Friday when I told Jackie that I was going to buy some jeans at a store in Salina, Ks. (900 miles from home and less than one mile from the Walmart where it happened!) she started laughing and said, "Please, PLEASE tell me that you'll stay away from the lingerie department!" Some things a man just can't live down!

RE: What was your most embarrasing moment ever?

Let's just say that for a moment I thought my cap had sprouted ear flaps and a chin strap...

RE: Christopher Hitchens-God is Not Great?

Uh-Uh

RE: Have you ever fell for someone who you originally couldn't stand?

No, but I have gotten to the point where I couldn't stand someone I'd originally fallen for...

RE: How's this for a bummer?????

Reckon I'd agree! Neither myself nor my lady have children or are capable of producing them, but we sure wish we could! I know she'd be a great mom and I'd like to think I'd be a good dad...

Enjoy your little one. She truly is a gift! (And not a bummer at all - the bummer is that you needed the Bum to produce her!)

RE: Is there really a MR or MRS Right out there for everyone??

Hey, I'm impressed! You used the right right this time! LOL!

Seriously, I'm not sure if there really is someone for everyone - it's a nice thought, but some folks prefer their solitude - but when you find "the one" you'll know! Oh believe me, you'll KNOW... You'll know because it'll be the most fantastic thing you've ever experienced and, try as we might, words can never really describe it.

New on the job...

Lessons from Management:

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma`am, we haven`t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn`t look as if we`ll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn`t true, ma`am. Of course, we`ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don`t have something. If we don`t have it, say we ordered it and it`s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
"Rain."

New on the job...

A new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words `open me first,` and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:` These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.`

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. He opens the first one and it says: `Blame me, your predecessor, for everything`.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody`s happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, `Blame the government for everything`.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, `Prepare 4 new envelopes...`

RE: What's the time?

6:30 A.M. here in Manhattan, Ks. - 7:30 back home in East Tennessee

Urgent Microsoft Windows recall. Very important!

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Deep South edition of Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped above the Mason Dixon line. If you have one of the Deep South editions you may need some help understanding the commands:

The Deep South edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS ExPEE with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse."
My Computer is called "This Infernal Contraption!"
Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol` Boys."
Control Panel is known as "the Dern Dashboard."
Hard Drive is referred to as "Four Wheel Drive."
Floppies are "them little ole plastic disc thangs."
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Other features:

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = naaaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
help = he'p me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff 'at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
colering book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad
jupe-box = CD player
inner-net = microsoft explorer
pichers = a graphics viewer
IRS = M/S accounting software
IRS2 = M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog = American Kennel Club records
fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA = National Rifle Association
shot gun = Remington arms price list
riffel = Winchester price list
pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list
truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code
house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
car = same as truck
cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)
tax records = usually an empty file
shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin = NASCAR racing schedule including a list of tv stations that carry the races' car n' truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code
doc = vetrinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Deep South edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version. (If'n ya'ont to!)

RE: cool

Oops! Only one breeze per button push!

RE: cool

A breeze blowing off a glacier?

RE: cool

A breeze blowing off a glacier?

RE: New kid on the block...

Welcome to the asylum! Lot's of good folks here - Some of us have been around for quite a while and a few of us have found what we're looking for but stick around for the forums, flowers and friends.

It's a good place! So pull up a stump, kick back and relax around the cyberfire. You're amongst friends...


...Don...

Indian style...

Thanks!

Indian style...

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he`s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" Then, turning to the Indian, he asks "How do you know all that?!!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

RE: Are all the guys sleeping in?

Hmmm? I've been up early the past couple days, but there didn't seem to much going on - I assumed that everybody else was sleeping in! lol

Things my mother taught me.

This is one of the best e-mails I've gotten in a long time. Hope you enjoy!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
' If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24 My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

RE: Many names were based on a persons work or occupation.

I reckon I would be Mr. Stuffbringer -- Somehow, Mr. Trucker sounds a little too "macho" and decidedly non-specific. Maybe Mr. Flatbedhaulertarpcussingsteelbuildingdeliverer would be a little closer to the mark, but that's too much of a mouthful! Guess I'll go back to Mr. Stuffbringer...

RE: agendas

After further thought, I think it's a two-edged sword: I wake up nearly every morning thinking that I know what I'm going to do that day and hoping that I'll know what I'm doing while I'm doing it... And I go to sleep nearly every evening realizing that, once again, I have managed to bumble through with almost no real clue and very little actual control. But still I accomplished my primary goal which was simply to live, laugh and love for one more day...

RE: agendas

I believe it is, but so much of life is infinitely richer when allowed to happen spontaneously.

The chalk mark...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:
One chalk mark. .. .. .. .. .. .. $1
Knowing where to put it. .. .. .. $49,999

RE: Favourite wine or beer...and why?

Got it! (But I'll settle for "just friends." )

RE: Favourite wine or beer...and why?

My favorite beer is Corona, although I'm not really sure why.

I don't really have a favorite wine although I possess a certain affinity for a good Port.

My ex-wife's favorite wine was, "I want a newer car and a bigger television!" (Oops! That was her favorite WHINE! )

RE: geuss whos back to say hey all

Hey Denver, welcome back! As you've already noticed, alot of the old gang are gone - Some because it was time for 'em to move on and some because they simply got "moved on."

Yepper, ol' hoss, it's changed a bunch, but some of the old gang is still here. Good to see you!

RE: what's it like when both people are in love?

It does indeed exist and I guarantee that it's like nothing you've ever experienced before!

It's true happiness - For the first time in your life.

It's like finding the other half of yourself - The part you always hoped for, but could never quite bring yourself to believe in.

It's feeling complete and content - Being truly satisfied with life for the very first time, ever.

It's a peace of mind and a feeling of safety you've never quite known before - The feeling that no matter how bad things get, somehow it's still better than anything you've ever had before. And that you will somehow get through it as long as you've got that special someone at your side and in your heart.

The sky is bluer, the grass greener and the storm clouds less ominous - Because you're seeing them through someone else's eyes.

If you're a traveler, like myself, you'll finally know what it means to be homesick - Because you'll finally know what a home really is. And you'll know that wherever THEY are... Well, that's where HOME is.

It's everything fantastic and wonderful and good that you've always heard it is - It's like finding the Holy Grail and while it'll make you want to live forever, you'll know that you could die tomorrow and still be happy just knowing that you've finally found it.

I think... That it must be what Heaven is like - Complete, total, all encompassing love and compassion. And comfort and safety heretofore unknown and unknowable... Until you find it in the arms of the one who loves you back...

Yep, it's kinda' like Heaven - You want to believe in it, but until you've actually been there you'll never really know for sure...

But, ah! Mark my words, friend - It does indeed exist!

RE: Would Cross the mountains

Actually, I did! Well ok, I didn't have to sail across the sea, but I moved 1,100 miles - from Northwest Kansas to East Tennessee - to be with the lady I love. And yes, it has been worth it... And it would STILL have been worth it if I had crawled on my knees the entire way. She completes me in ways that no one has ever done before, or could ever do again...

So I guess my answer to your question is: yes, Yes, YES!