The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)

Box of cans...

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we`ve been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

RE: What musical piece do you think

Nature's concert - I'm listening to it right now: Wind through the trees, birds singing, thunder rumbling in the distance... With any luck, in just a little while I'll hear raindrops on the roof. If that doesn't happen, I'll take the canoe down to Bull Run Creek and listen to another movement; Water over the rocks, woodpeckers for a percussion section and squirrels chattering as I drift along.

I love music, but Mother Nature has always been my favorite composer...

RE: What's the biggest discovery man has ever done (technological or scientific)?

Self awareness! Seems to me that it led to everything else...

RE: In all fairness ...

Ok, here's an example - actually a couple of them from my own experience:

Part one:
Met on line, developed a mutual attraction and respect and decided to meet. When we met, it turned out that that she wasn't really who she had portrayed herself to be and seeing me in person and finding out that I look exactly like my pictures, she was not "physically attracted" to me. We went our separate ways and remained friends although we no longer keep in touch.

Part two:
Started corresponding thanks to a thread that was of mutual interest. After two weeks of writing, we started talking on the phone and were floored by the amount of things we had in common. After another two weeks, we had the opportunity to meet and spend several days together and the "synchronicities" continued to be nothing short of phenomenal - To the point where we felt like God was throwing bricks at us and trying to tell us that we belonged together and always had. Six weeks after that, I packed up bag and baggage and moved 1,100 miles. It was the smartest thing I ever did! We've been together for six months now and I can't imagine life without her. And we continue to be hit by bricks telling us that we are supposed to be together. And we continue to find more and more things in common, To the point where we sometimes think that we must be related - We ARE, of course - we're soulmates!

Grandma buys a bumpersticker...

Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where
I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I`m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed:

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord, and didn`t notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of
people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to
honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty
soon he leaned out His window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as
loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him
shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"!

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only His middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It`s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there and was filled with the spirit of the Lord, so I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,

Grandma

Abbott and Costello Buy a Computer

Just had to bump this! The "Hey, you!" thread got me to thinking about Abbot & Costello...

G.A.S.H.

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well, no..." says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

The talking clock...

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What`s that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It`s not a gong. It`s a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How`s it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "HEY YOU JERK!! It`s three eighteen in the friggin' morning!"

RE: Quote

And don't forget, "Adventure? Why that's just another name for poor planning!"

RE: who remembers the good old days,

You have to remember that your "good old days" are someone else's "not so good old days."

What I mean by that is this: When I think about times in my childhood that I cherish, I'm also reminded of the times when my parents didn't have enough money to pay all the bills. I remember hearing my folks talk about "the good old days"and seeing my grandparents roll their eyes and talk about how tough things were in the '20's & '30's.

Things are not as simple now as they used to be and that is true of every stage of human history. As an amateur historian who specializes in "experimental archeology" -the practice of putting one's self in as near exact a historical situation as possible and using only the tools/weapons/technology available at the time - I find that things were indeed INCREDIBLY simple in, say, the American West during the fur trade era OF 1800-1840. And they were also incredibly TOUGH! But WOW! What a life! If you didn't freeze to death during the winter, or get scalped during the summer, or get mauled by a grizzly bear or thrown from a horse - or any other of a number of natural catastrophies... You could probably live to the ripe old age of 45 or 50, maybe even 60 if you were REALLY lucky!

I guess my point is this: Enjoy what you have, while you have it because if you think things are overly complicated and sucky right now, just think about what it's going to be like when your children are your age! (Then THEY'LL be reminiscing about the "good old days.")

Life may not always be good, but it does always beat the alternative...

$$$$ Fast Dollars!

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here`s an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

TRY it now!

Follow this simple procedure:
1. Open a new text or word document.
2. Hold down the shift key.
3. Hit the 4 key four times.


























Ok, now who actually thought about doing this before you went

?

RE: So what do we call it now...

I generally refer to my lady simply as... My lady. Occasionally, I'll use the term fiance' because we are indeed, engaged to be married. I have a sticker on the wing window of my truck that was there when I started for the company. It reads; "I love my wife." And I see no reason to change it or explain that we're not married yet.

Even before we became engaged, I called her my lady. She generally refers to me as @#$#$%!!
(Just kidding! She refers to me as... Don.)

Finally home!

Granted, it's only for a short time - such is the life of a long-haul truck driver - but, damn it sure feels good!

Got in about 10:00 A.M. yesterday and have to leave about noon tomorrow, but you can bet your sweet bippy that I'm making the most of the time I have! Finished installing the solar powered clothes dryer (most folks call it a clothesline!) that I'd promised Jackie, did a little gardening, a little shopping and a little beer drinking. Next, we're fixin' to take the canoe down to Bull run Creek and do a five mile float, just to have some time to ourselves with nature. (Plus, I know there's some wild cane growing down there and I wanna' cut some to support the tomatoes and beans!)

Mama's: Contrary to the old song, it's okay to let your babies grow up to be cowboys, but it's even better when they finally find a HOME that they never want to leave! So... Let 'em be cowboys, but pray that they find someone special who understands them and welcomes them back to a real home with real love... I missed out on that for way too long!

RE: hot and spicy and very tasty

Why THANK YOU, Tracy! That was very... Uh... Oops! Reckon I'm not the redhead you were referring too, huh? (Please, PLEASE say I'm not! )

Washing the dog...

You HEARD us?!! But we were just kidding! Honest! Don't believe anything Patty tells you! (And besides, she was in on it, too! )

Washing the dog...

But Hun! I just wanna' get 'em clean!

RE: A Country Preacher's Son

Washing the dog...

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I`m going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn`t use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It`s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he`ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how His dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don`t think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

Once a Cowboy...

I just heard this joke on the (C.B.) radio and thought it was too cute to pass up. Enjoy!

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping His whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied,
"Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."

He then asked her what she was. She replied,
"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied,
"I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

RE: Fun ways to solve problems!

Hmmm... Maybe all the bald guys who said they wished they had hair like mine were lying?

My buddy is bald and one day he was complaining about it. I told him that he was just out of luck because baldness is hereditary- it's in your genes. He just looked at me and said "Well that can't be right; I got hair in my jeans... I need it in my hat!"

RE: Mary Margaret...

RE: So I got a new job, so how cool is that?

Hey, I'm happy for you! I just started a new job (ok, same old job, new company!) about 3 1/2 weeks ago, myself.

Congrats and best of luck!

RE: " Hi everyone "

Welcome to the asylum!

The end justifies the means...

An old man in Phoenix calls His son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?!!" the son screams.

"We can`t stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We`re sick and tired of each other, and I`m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls His sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they`re getting a divorce!!" she shouts. "I`ll take care of this!"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don`t do a single thing until I get there. I`m calling my brother back and we`ll both be there
tomorrow. Until then don`t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They`re coming for our anniversery AND paying their own way."

RE: Another chance ...

Ok, I'll admit it - Something very similar to this happened to me and that's how I handled it... BUT, thanks to an amazing woman with a wonderful heart and a beautiful soul, it'll never happen again! (Love ya' J! )

RE: Another chance ...

I said, (Oops! I mean 'I'd say!') "Well shucks! 'Reckon you should have thought about things a little longer and harder 'fore you took off! Ya' know dear, I'd love to talk, but the poles are loaded and I'm goin' fishin. Good luck finding whatever it was you thought you were lookin' for..."

New guy on the job...

Point well taken, Burt. But somebody's gotta' bale 'em out, sometimes - 'Sides, last I checked you didn't handle much flatbed freight. (Don't know anybody with an inside track in the Twin Falls, Id. area, do ya'?)

Cowboy advice...

Adios, mi amigo!

Cowboy advice...

Since I'm sitting in Rawlins, Wyoming in the heart of the American West, I thought I'd pass this along before I hit the road.


Cowboy advice:


Never squat with yer spurs on.

There`s two theories to arguin` with a woman; Neither one works.

Don`t worry about bitin` off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger`n you think.

If you get to thinkin` you`re a person of some influence, try orderin` somebody else`s dog around.

Never smack a man who`s chewin` tobacco.

It don`t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you`re ridin` ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it`s still there.

Lettin` the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier `n puttin` it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

New guy on the job...

Glad to be of service! I've gotta' hit the road in just a few minutes - still got almost 500 miles left on this run. Then I hope to head for home... Been away too long...

I'll try to think of one more before I head out...


...Don...