The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)

New Heaviest Element Discovered...

NEW HEAVIEST ELEMENT DISCOVERED

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science. Its existence was proved during the hurricane, gasoline, and other issues of the last year or two.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*.

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called mo-rons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pe-ons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. It does not decay, however, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, as each reorganization will cause more mo-rons to become neutrons, forming iso-dopes.

This characteristic of mo-ron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever mo-rons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium because, though it has only half as many pe-ons, it has twice as many mo-rons.

RE: Ok, Who ordered the

One of my best friends called last night from Kansas (where it was once again snowing and blowing!) and told me, "Ya know, I think I'm gonna' buy a snow shovel and a bag of ice-melt and start walkin' south until I'm far enough that someone asks me what the hell they're for!"

We had some snow and sleet here last night, but then the temps warmed up and it turned to rain, so it's all gone now...

Yes Sir!

Also from another forum, but (I feel) worth sharing:


A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.


The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me!'

Are You a Democrat, a Repubilican, or a Southerner?

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN, OR A SOUTHERNER?


Here's a little test that will help you to decide:



The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or depressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly sw ing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Kimber have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible that he'd be happy just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's answer:

BANG!

Southerner's answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!...
Click ....
& %$#@)! (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!
Son: "Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!"

Las Vegas Churches...

Ah! An expert on the subject!

RE: Do you suffer from this disease?

I suffer from "partial electile dysfunction." So far, Uncle Fred still does it for me.

Las Vegas Churches...

Las Vegas Churches


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.


SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.


THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
























(THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS)

Gotcha'! (And you didn't even see it coming!)

RE: 22 Ways to tell if you're a good Democrat.

Thank you, Dave!

RE: What is your most treassured possession(s)?

My most prized possession seems to be... My butt! I've taken it everywhere I've gone for almost 47 years and, despite repeated warnings from my parents when I was younger, I've never yet managed to lose it!

Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream...

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

RE: Love & Hate

Noted. The difference (since you asked) is that most blind people I know are completely aware of their surroundings - they just lack a visual connection. To see (feel, smell, etc...) nothing at all is to be completely lacking in every sense, as well as desire. (i,e., To be apathetic.)

(On a side note, my ex-wife once accused me of being ignorant and apathetic - I told her that I didn't know what that meant and furthermore, I didn't give a damn! )

RE: Regrets

At the end of my life, the thing I am most likely to regret is that my life is at an end.

Your question is a paradox of sorts. Admittedly, there will be those who will regret things they have done, but most - if honest with themselves - will regret those things that they have NOT done and will not be able to do because their life is ending. (I,e, I wish I could have seen my grandchildren grow up, I would liked to have seen one more sunrise in the Rockies... etc.) Very few are ready to leave this life unless it has been one of pain and suffering. Even then, the regret - whether voiced or not - will be of something not done, even if it is only that simple wish to have led a less pain-filled life.

RE: Love & Hate

Hate sees red.

On a different but related note - Your question is framed as though love and hate are opposites. I decided for myself many years ago that the opposite of Love is not hate, but apathy. (The complete and abject loss or lack of any feeling whatsoever.)

So the further answer to your question would be: Love is blind, hate sees red and apathy sees nothing at all...

RE: " watching America's most wanted"

Not any more! I mean. uh... Gosh, I don't know - Could be, but I'm sure I, uh... THEY, don't live anywhere near me!

RE: Great Quotes by Great Men~

Also by Theodore Roosevelt:

"There is no room in this country for hyphenated Americanism. When I refer to hyphenated Americans, I do not refer to naturalized Americans. Some of the very best Americans I have ever known were naturalized Americans, Americans born abroad. But a hyphenated American is not an American at all.

This is just as true of the man who puts "native" before the hyphen as of the man who puts German or Irish or English or French before the hyphen. Americanism is a matter of the spirit and of the soul. Our allegiance must be purely to the United States. We must unsparingly condemn any man who holds any other allegiance.

But if he is heartily and singly loyal to this Republic, then no matter where he was born, he is just as good an American as any one else.

The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin, of preventing all possibility of its continuing to be a nation at all, would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities, an intricate knot of German-Americans, Irish-Americans, English- Americans, French-Americans, Scandinavian- Americans, or Italian-Americans, each preserving its separate nationality, each at heart feeling more sympathy with Europeans of that nationality than with the other citizens of the American Republic.

The men who do not become Americans and nothing else are hyphenated Americans; and there ought to be no room for them in this country. The man who calls himself an American citizen and who yet shows by his actions that he is primarily the citizen of a foreign land, plays a thoroughly mischievous part in the life of our body politic. He has no place here; and the sooner he returns to the land to which he feels his real heart-allegiance, the better it will be for every good American."

Addressing the Knights of Columbus in New York City - October 12, 1915

RE: What is your Chinese sign

Wooden Rat

RE: The Sultan . . .

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

RE: WHAT'S YOUR SUN SIGN?

Aquarius

RE: What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that I've sat on my butt reading forum posts long enough and it's time to go back outside and do some more work on the chicken coop I am building.

RE: Great Quotes by Great Men~

Life is like a doughnut: Either you're in the dough or in you're in the hole. (Author unknown)

The primary goals of any new administration are to blame the previous administration for all problems while claiming credit for prosperity instigated by them. (Author known but wishing to remain anonymous)

RE: Do you consider yourself a good driver.

Hmmm... Quite an accomplishment - That's nearly 300,000 miles a year! I've rarely even seen teams who can log that much together legally, let alone a single driver. (My personal best was 145,000 miles w/3 weeks vacation and time off for good behavior.)

With all due respect, if you're driving nearly 300,000 miles a year and logging it legally then you must have more than God on your side...

When Dan Found Out...

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away!

I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.























(Women are so much better at estate planning than men!)

RE: Do you consider yourself a good driver.

How can you watch it if it's "underground?" And what do they do - take shovels and see how fast they can go from one above-ground intersection to another? (I've seen underground railroads -subways - but never an underground street! )

RE: Happy Birthday, p_seg!!!!

Could be... (In 22 days, I'll be celebrating the 8th anniversery of my 39th birthday!)

RE: Happy Birthday, p_seg!!!!

Just remember, you're not getting older, you're... Well, ok... You ARE getting older. Something else is happening too, but I forget what...

RE: Its the birthday of your girl-friend ,what do u get her?

Hmmm... I asked my buddy "Bigun" what he was giving his wife for their anniversery. He replied "Same thing I gave her last year!" I said "What was that?" He said "Another 12 months free rent!"

RE: Are you smart

Funny how big a difference there can be between stupid and un-intelligent. And un-informed vs. mis-informed. Some of those who feign intelligence the best are the most witty (yet least intelligent). And some of those who are super intelligent come off sounding like idiots when presented with something slightly outside their particular field of expertise. Strange how some mathematicians can't spell the names of the numbers they work with while some wordsmiths can't cipher the numbers they spell.

Define smart.

I was a highly decorated radio technician in the Army (in the early 80's) and still have yet to install a sound system in a personal vehicle without screwing up the dash lights. I am a long-haul truck driver with 2,000,000 accident free miles behind me and I can't count the times I've gotten out of the truck and smacked my head on the outside mirror. I'm a published author and can recite, verbatim, nearly everything I've ever written but can't seem to remember which pieces have been published. I'm an outdoorsman who can start a fire with flint and steel or bowdrill, but can't get anything happening in my hibachi with kerosene and hand grenades.

I'd like to think I'm pretty smart - After all, I've used my wits to get myself out of some really sticky situations on many occasions -- But if I were really that smart, would I have gotten into those situations in the first place?

Am I smart? Beats the hell outta' me!

The Wooden Bowl...

I haven't posted much for a while - and with good reason - but after seeing some of the more recent threads, I remembered this story. I hope it's one that folks here will remember for a long time...

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.' So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?'
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work .

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

______________________________________________


I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life. I earned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to BE one. I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

Mostly, I've learned that I still have a lot to learn...

THE LAW IS THE LAW!

I saw this on another forum and thought I'd post it here for a couple of reasons - First, I'm wondering how many will agree with it and second, I'm kinda' wondering how quickly this thread will go down in flames...



THE LAW IS THE LAW

So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.

And if the U. S. Supreme Court says "Under God" needs to be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance, then, so be it.

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen. I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions. I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, & Easter. After all, they're just another day.

I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, & Easter as well as EVERY Sunday. After all, Sunday is just another day. (And I have to work on those days - Why shouldn't they?)

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all Christmas is just another day.

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings , I don't believe the Government and its hundreds of thousands employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life. I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday, & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact.... I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the "minority opinions" and begin, once again, to represent the "majority" of ALL of the American people.

SO BE IT...........

RE: Help needed ... CD - Burning

While burning CD's is possible (I suggest using a blowtorch!) - they are more easily disposed of in a landfill. I have also used them as target practice after a particularly un-successful and disheartening effort at copying music onto them.

Good luck!