I gave a rat's *** once. It donated it to charity. But it was never officially confirmed, although I suspect someone somewhere must have made a note of it.
I also signed a petition, about which I cared deeply, but it hasn't been officially confirmed yet.
Must admit that your intro was unique, but - as one poet to another - your metre could use a bit of tuning up. (I even tried reading it in a Macon, Ga. drawl and it still didn't quite come out. Needs a few more syllables in key places.)
Have fun!
Lone Wolf, huh? I remember a guy that used to call himself that. Poor b@stard. Before it was over with everyone was calling him Single Puppy.
Again, welcome to the asylum! Lot's of good folks here if you don't take yourself (or them) too seriously!
If I did, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, it would be a 'widely known fact' - And what's the point of revealing something that most folks wouldn't care a damn about anyway?
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the refrigerator door and use that light instead.
At night, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the present day it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. It only wastes time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
All the world's a stage. Based on improv. And, by definition, there is no set script.
And we all take turns as director, lighting tech., stage hand, scenery coordinator and star, as well as minor character, love interest, comic relief and villain.
Our audience is the rest of the world and sometimes they are all watching when we flub our lines and sometimes they 'stay away in droves' during our finest performances.
And we can only hope that when our final curtain call comes that we can look back on our tour and say "It was a good run!"
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, you should be worried about him.
16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.
20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. He didn't lose your number. He didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you; I want to marry you; I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave so fast, they leave skid marks.
23. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
25. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
While Jackson would be first on my list, she doesn't really count as we have the honor of dining with each other on a regular basis.
Nor can I limit it to only three, but a partial list would include:
rwantin
Indyfella
SpiceyGamble
Bajanblue
Earl & Shelia and Daniel & Renee'
Conrad
Leo
Lovaboy
Alabamabebe
and a dozen or so others that I'm too bleary eyed to think of right now.
And while a big 'roundtable' sort of outing would be fun, I also like the idea of keeping it to two or three at a time. (Kinda' more personal and less complicated that way.)
A fellow is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Finally, a big trouble-making macho jerk steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The macho guy says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I discovered it was stolen.
"The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.
"And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"
I've got guns, too. Quite a few of them. Probably more than most folks on here. I've also been a gun safety instructor and a hunter safety instructor. NO ONE will take my guns from me while I am alive and I WILL NOT give them up!
Having said all that, if you come to my house and threaten my life or the life of those I care about, chances are you'll end up with a tomahawk buried in your face as I am also quite proficient with that particular instrument. (#2 in the NATION in 1984 - and I've gotten better since then!) Plus, far fewer expect danger from a tomahawk than from a gun and are less prepared to deal with it.
And please don't ask me what a tomahawk is - Look it up if you don't know.
Yes Ma'am! And I've been looking forward to it all winter long! (We've had so much rain this year that this will be the first chance I've had to get out on the river.)
As much as I miss the snow, I'm looking forward to my canoe trip down the Clinch River in a few hours. The weather is supposed to be sunny and 73 degrees (fahrenheit). As I'm peacefully floating along with a fishing rod in my hand and a thermos of coffee at my feet, I'll think of you... And chuckle!
Great Actor, great American! One of my favorite movies remains the slightly 'over the top' movie "The Mountain Men" starring Charlton Hesston and Brian Keith.
With a voice as rich as Fort Knox and a talent as broad and deep as the Mississippi and (according to him) a face that belonged to another century, Mr. Hesston was indeed an American icon.
Who can forget his statement to President Clinton (upon becoming president of the National Rifle Association) "America doesn't trust you with our 21 year old daughters, and we sure, Lord, don't trust you with our guns."
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
I pretend to be offended at insults to my intelligence. For instance, when I buy a box of toothpicks and glance at the label and see directions for their use! I pretend to become upset that someone, somewhere would think that I am dumb enough to actually need directions to use a toothpick!
I also like to fill my bathtub about halfway with water, then turn on the shower and pretend that I'm in a submarine that's been hit. (Actually I don't get to do that very much anymore because my darling wife pretends that all the shouting and confusion upsets the dogs!)
The_Kansan Forum Posts (3,395)
RE: Good Morning Everyone, Have A Great Sunday !
We've gone from Indian Summer to Dogwood Winter since yesterday. Chilly, dreary and damp - I feel like I'm in a basement with trees and hills.Oh well, it's the dreariness that makes one appreciate the sunshine!