As singletons we are constantly thinking about how to get access to the opposite sex’s leisure facilities, more often men desire a decent fish supper and the ladies a nice battered sausage, but there are often complications or reasons why these don’t happen often enough, this is a problem and makes us all feel as useful as Stephen Hawking’s Bicycle.
There are some other known alternatives such as bags of chopped liver or juggling slugs but these don’t suit vegetarians.
In previous blogs I have described my relationships with a shopping trolley, and my relationships with inanimate objects, such as dating a coffee machine.
So, You could take an apple out to the movies, they have a very sensual skin, soft but crunchy and sweet inside, they produce a fine tasting liquid, will it help?...doubtful
Can you think of any alternative relationships that will reduce women from auditioning finger puppets or men from polishing their mutton muskets?
Is your perception of yourself the same as the perception others have of you?
Examples:
Women complaining that men don't see them for their brains and personalities, yet post provocatively posed photographs as their profile pic.
Men who complain they only attract the gold diggers, perhaps you are giving these women the perception that you are rich – listing those huge incomes, for starters.
Some see themselves to be the center of attention, or the bad boy/girl yet others will see them as annoying attention-seeking pests.
Other side of the coin – those who have a much worse perception of themselves than others have of them, You’re smart, funny, but run yourself down.
How do you see yourself?
How do think others see you?
My blanket fort has been evacuated; Time for coffee, Coffee bar is full.
Coffee ingested in groups of three, you wonder if that passerby is into vajazzling
Perhaps the coffee is far too strong, I begin to ponder:-
Revelation! Turn a ladder upside down and climb down things.
Is your sister an only child? Did Gloria Gaynor survive?
Is that a Kangaroo? No just a skinny greyhound having a shit.
As the sun rises you hear that Lionel Ritchie wants to know if you are looking for him.
You read of Social Justice Warriors making Idiots out of themselves.
You light another cigarette, will it make me dumb?
Shoplifting can result in Jail, Jail as a male will enlarge your rectum.
Would I eat Breast Milk Cheese? Surely it’s the similar milk, so yes why not.
Do you remember wedding vows? A..E..I..O..U doesn’t sound right; perhaps the cigarettes should go in the bin.
Ponders the lost art of finger pointing and if Wi-Fi can be set up in donuts.
Conversation amongst the other patrons seems to be tractor related...yawn
Methinks, too much coffee, *googles rehab*
You ever have far too much coffee?
An alarming trend is occurring where adults are waking up each morning with vast quantities of ear hair in spite of trimming the unsightly wax encrusted mess each day.
Many people are also reporting errant long curly eyebrow hairs as well as thick nasal bush and they all claim to depilate and groom themselves each and every day.
Scientists at the Institute of Facial and Auditory Hirsuteness have concluded that this phenomenon is the work of disenchanted and unemployed tooth fairies.
In some areas of the world kids today are losing their teeth in large quantities at one time, and in other countries advances in dental hygiene and dental implants are putting tooth Fairy’s out of work.
As the work that tooth Fairy’s do, is not classified as “real work” so no unemployment benefits or income support is paid.
The EU President Mr. Kraughty Juncker’s has blamed Brexit and wants EU countries to pay the Fairy’s compensation. Angela Merkel has stated that Germany will welcome all the Fairies and integrate them with her people, but perhaps this valiant sentiment is too late.
Are you a victim of the Tooth Fairy’s Revenge?
Walking backwards is the new trend in health & fitness; it’s excellent to hone your spatial awareness skills as it increases what you would have seen walking forwards by 50%, and is also known to increase the Wi-Fi signals in doughnuts.
Dr. Whet Faartz from the Irish Institute of Science has conducted studies that confirm walking backwards improves human skills such as finger pointing and clapping as well as helping those who are vowel deficient to be able to count to potato a lot easier.
Dr.Faartz also stated that Darwin would be proud of our step forward in evolution and that walking backwards properly will make a happier society, create world peace and reduce famine a little.
If you are an Emu or Kangaroo do not attempt to walk backwards as you cannot and will fall and possibly injure yourself.
Do you walk backwards and if so what benefits have you seen?
The Children’s commissioner in the UK has been asking children as young as 13 to describe their gender.
This is the list they can choose from:- (Daily Mail)
Girl or Boy
Male or Female
Trans-Girl: Someone has or transitioning from male to female.
Trans-Boy: Transitioning from female to male.
Agender: No gender identity or neutral identity.
Androgynous: Partly male and female, of indeterminate sex.
Bi-Gender: Those experiencing two gender identities, either at the same time or varying.
Non-Binary: Describes those who don’t feel exclusively male or female.
Demi-Boy: Partly male regardless of birth gender.
Demi-Girl: Female version of above.
GenderQueer: Those who don’t subscribe to conventional gender distinctions.
Gender-Nonconforming: Those who don’t follow how they should look or act based on their birth gender.
Tri-Gender: Shifts between Male, Female or genderless.
All Genders: Someone who identifies as all possible genders.
Intersex: Someone with genetic or hormonal features that are typical of male and female.
Do you think young kids should be choosing their gender?
What are you?
There are many TV programs about surviving in the wilderness, but what about in an urban environment, if food was not available how would you be able to survive?
Here are some tips from the survivalist Grill Bears:
Bushy Beard Soup
Men with full facial beards are a great source of food, simply comb the beard into a pot, add water and hey presto “beard soup”.
Toaster Crumb Porridge
Luckily all toasters have a supply of crumbs in them, shake the toaster and collect the crumbs, mix with water and eat as a tasty porridge or make into crackers.
Under the fridge/sofa surprise
Under every fridge and sofa a wonderful selection of goodies awaits, from old sweets to dropped chips and at a push the odd dead mouse; make this a game for the kids.
Hidey hole housewife chocolate
Every housewife has a hidden chocolate store, look in pantries for disgusting looking food such as fish flavored dried tofu, you will find a secret stash of chocolate.
I’m sure there are more hints and tips out there, let’s hear them
Declassified NASA records show that during the Apollo 15 moon landing in 1971 some strange items were found on the lunar surface, a ladies skirt, 8 pieces of Lego and a number of empty Sardine cans.
These Items were not found during the previous moon landings and the strangest thing is that the ladies skirt had a "Made in Ireland" tag dated 2010.
One mystery object was described as cylindrical with opaque slightly bulging sides that narrow at one end.
The only difference between the previous moon missions was that Apollo 15 was launched during a full moon to give the crew the best chance of finding and landing on the moon.
Conspiracy theorists say that these items were just garbage from a secret moon base, what do you think? And what do you think the mystery cylindrical object they found is?
Women are beautiful but can be very complex creatures, the masculine and feminine traditional and cultural roles began in the hunter gatherer societies in the Paleolithic era, man hunted and provided and the women did the gathering, cleaned out the cave and had babies.
The roles were seen as:-
Female: To nurture
Male: To provide
Now the main traditional cultural ideas are different to a certain extent:-
Female: Has fluid gender communication and overlapped roles.
Male: Masculine toughness and clear but overlapping gender roles.
So where does feminism come into the equation? And why do we now have feminazis? (feminists who are perceived as extreme or radical)
Feminists: Support women’s rights and gender equality, they are open-minded and educated, they like men, don’t practice witchcraft or simply become lesbians.
Feminazis: Believe in female domination, are closed minded, are often ugly and think every male is a rapist and are more often than not lesbians.
As we are CS people come from a lot of different cultures and backgrounds, what are the thoughts in your Country and what do you believe to be the perfect Male/Female roles?
There are some crazy laws around the world such as:
In The USA:
Tying an Alligator to a fire hydrant is illegal
You cannot take a Lion to the movies
Singing happy birthday to someone on the wrong day is illegal
In Alabama it’s illegal to marry any animal that’s not already a relation
In England:
Jumping off a building was illegal and you could receive a death sentence if guilty.
If a woman drove a car her husband had to walk in front with a flag
You are allowed to shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow after midnight.
In Ireland:
You may not eat cheese with your fingers
It’s illegal to throw stones at animals but frowning at them was legal
It’s illegal to practice witchcraft
In Switzerland:
It’s illegal to flush a toilet after 10pm if you live in an apartment, but you can store dead relatives in a bank vault for 7 months.
Any crazy laws where you live?
I personally suffer from a number of common disorders:-
Short-skirtitis : Creates inflammation of the phallus organ resulting in phallo-spasmo.
Narco-mammil :- Dreaming of female nipples.
Schizoid scottylogdrop :- The habit of speaking in a Scottish accent in the bathroom.
Neuro caffineitus :- The mental need for far too much coffee.
Gynopexy:- Fixated on women, includes labia-phago (to eat)
Blogsympo:- The need to comment on blogs.
Do you suffer from any disorders?
Most of us just consider cows to be just farm animals, we should be more thankful for these Bovine creatures; History and political correctness have subdued some of the remarkable things cows have done such as:
The obvious, they provide milk (Hard and Soft), meat and leather.
WW2 when parachuted behind enemy lines to confuse the enemy by mooing a lot.
The first creature to climb Mount Everest, reached the summit in June 1937.
Responsible for economic growth in the 3rd World Coffee bean Industry.
Their Feces are part of the American Olympic sport of “chip throwing”.
They are legally allowed to become driving instructors in Arkansas.
They don’t eat seafood and are vegetarians.
They were the inspiration for the “Sound of Music”.
They wrote the Cowa Sutra.
One apparently even jumped over the moon.
Can you think of anything else cows have done for us?
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