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MapmakerMapmaker Blog (116)

2,827 Blog Comments116 Blog116 Blogs86 Forums9 Videos3 Quizzes2 Poems2 Poetry1 Tags1 Threads

CS Romantic Picnic

The scene, a quiet spot next to a babbling brook, dappled sun and shadows on the blanket, The sound of waves crashing in the distance, a picnic basket, glasses of wine, just the two of you, enjoying the food, not talking but speaking through your eyes.

Your hands touch, you both smile, you lean towards each other and kiss, just a little one that turns into a mind blowing snog.

I see the woman I'm with, a summer dress, see through in the sunlight, her hair shining, her lips red, her smile infectious, the warmth of her kiss, the soft skin on her hands, her nails manicured to perfection, she wears the flower I picked in her hair, she is beautiful, she is happy.......

You can be with anyone you want, maybe a crush here on CS, your picnic basket can have anything your heart and stomach desires.

Tell me how your picnic would be
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The Manopause

We always hear about the female menopause, but never the manopause, normally between 40 and 65 years old its alleged that our testosterone levels drop, we do have some bad effects like moodiness, irritability but in general it makes us more positive, we develop more listening skills, we may not hear what’s being said but will nod at the right times and seem more patient with children and animals.

Its bollocks when people say our sex drive decreases, it increases and so does the frequency of our “male members” becoming engorged.

We suffer in different ways but strive to remain men, and be as manly as possible but are sensitive souls, I sobbed uncontrollably when I found a green and a white towel in my bathroom, but then went outside and beat up a rock as I am a man and it’s expected of me.

So women, please give men who maybe having a mid-life crisis a break as we don’t really know what we are doing or saying.
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Splinters are fabulous

After a session of wood carving yesterday my hands were full of glorious splinters, long sharp shards of ancient olive wood embedded deep within my dermis.

It might seem strange to some, but I like them, I like seeing the dark splinters deep in my skin, they are not painful, what pain there is is a good pain, makes me feel at one with nature, just seeing the glistening of sweat and blood and Im in heaven.

Of course there is the best part of being covered in splinters, the ceremonial removing of natures shards, the preparation, the tools from pliers, knives and tweezers (The big manly kind not the girly eyebrow ones).

The de splintering begins with some gentle Jackson Brown in the background, can reach a crescendo of Beethoven's 5th symphony as played by Deep Purple as each large splinter is pulled from its fleshy prison and displayed lovingly on a folded white egyptian cotton towel, When all are plucked and liberal amounts of disinfectant are poured over the wounds, I cry out with o*gasm joy as the searing burning pain washes away any microbes that had taken up residence within my hands.

You probably think I should be committed somewhere, but I was tested and all is well within my cranium.

Does anyone else share my joy?
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Live discovered on Mars

A North Korean spokesman announced the successful launch of their space explorer rocket, they proudly showed video footage of Dolphins and Tuna taken by their Mars lander, and Kim Jong declared Mars as North Korean Territory and warned other countries to stay away.

The video footage was later analyzed and the conclusion was that the rocket had in fact crashed into the Sea of Japan shortly after being launched and not landed on Mars.

The entire North Korean Space Agency staff has been executed with an anti-aircraft gun; Kim Jong’s Hair stylist was also executed.


Simple version for the those with hearing or with allergies to seafood Issues:-

Big spaceship go to Mars, film shows fishies swimming in the sea on the big round planet called Mars.

Film studied by people who went to a big school, they said film was in the sea near Japan as the big rockety thing had not been to space but accidently crashed so film was on earth not Mars.

You are probably too tired to read further so I will stop.
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Capitalistic manipulation of the barbed wire & snake meat Industries.

“The Illuminati have taken our livelihoods away” were the words of Mr. Sky Lukewalker the outspoken director of the Institute of Climate Studies at a news conference called after new revelations in the supposed climate change were discovered.

The panel of eminent scientists had concluded that global warming only occurred during the day and cooled at night. The 30 billion dollar Project was under investigation by the FBI as whistle blowers had reported the cash had been spent on a Barbed wire factory as well as to import snakes from the Far East in an attempt to fill a vacuum in the canned meat industry.

Having been shut down by glorified members of the Elite class the factories had closed with the loss of 19 jobs; however within days of the factories closing they had re-opened under new ownership.

The Illuminati spokesman Gerald Peniwhacker the 3rd stated that the barbed wire and snake meat canning industries were controlled by the George Foreman Grill company and therefore off limits to Scientists and anyone else.

Mr. Lukewalker now fears for his life and with a mullet hairdo disguise lives in a trailer park with his wife and adult children growing potatoes and cooking crack cocaine to make ends meet.
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Found Love in my Fridge

While cleaning out my fridge looking for missing plates I found a large cabbage hidden behind ½ empty jars of green moldy stuff, at first I just placed the cabbage on the table with the intention of simply binning it, without warning the cabbage spoke to me, you would have thought I would have been scared but it spoke in a quiet female voice, calming and very sexy too.

Turns out her name is Michelle and she comes from Slovakia, We had been up all night talking and laughing and got on very well.

Things just happened, one minute we were talking about writing paper and the next we were upstairs, I removed her plastic wrapping and saw just how beautiful she was, the night was spent exploring each other in ways I had never dreamed possible, just peeling away her outer leaves made me feel reborn. Lately the only person interested in my body has been the undertaker, I’m bowled over!.

I’m not sure how to proceed, what will people say when they see me taking her to the coffee bar or simply shopping, she says that we will be accepted, I’m in a quandary and don’t know if I should break up with her or hope our love is accepted.

I have seen stories on the dark web where humans and vegetables have found love, they all end up the same way, the vegetable partner rots away to a fetid liquefied mess and the human just gets another vegetable to love, maybe vegetable swapping is a good thing, maybe not.

She is in the kitchen right now, the smell of a full English breakfast wafting through the house, maybe this time I have found the one?

I will decide after breakfast, if she cleans up the kitchen I maybe on a winner here.

Image of Michelle the gorgeous cabbage sitting on my face...........She tastes so good!




Embedded image from another site
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Curtains

Curtains have been around since the Roman times, they were originally called toga's as the Romans wore them, at night when they fancied intercourse or an orgy they removed the togas and placed them over the windows to gain some privacy.

During the Edwardian and Victorian eras curtains were made from silk and other expensive materials, these days they are made from cheap synthetic material often the byproduct of Spaghetti and envelope factories.

They became fashionable during the Blitz in London and the colour choice was black, this is so they could watch TV without the German bombers seeing them and dropping a few bombs on them, this is where the American term “Cuytons” meaning death originates from.

The International Space Station has curtains made from gold and platinum as they had the money to do so, but the initial design and budget called for cardboard. Why they even need curtains is a mystery.

Most people use curtains at night, this is silly as it's dark outside; curtains should be used during the day when they are more effective.

In Ireland Curtains were used as a food source during the potato famine, The Slainte Museum in Cork City shows wonderful photos of families gathered at the table for a Sunday meal of pure cotton curtains, a practice still carried out the day after St.Patricks day.

The term “Blinds” as a window privacy item is rude and derogatory to blind people as the sign language for blinds is identical to “Asthmatic dog fart”, it’s hoped that someone will invent a braille version of the offending word.

I have no curtains on my windows but have some outside, my windows have integrated blinds because I am posh and they keep the monsters out.
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Nursery Rhymes Updated

Little Hood Redding Ride
So this skank named Red Hooding Ride wanted to check her grandma’s house for crack money, she got out of her taxpayer sponsored crib and put on her leggings and anorak, grabbed her stolen iPad and headed to the bus stop.

Meanwhile, this gangsta dude who was on the run from the cops broke into granny’s taxpayer sponsored bungalow, he checked inside the Formica furnished hovel and saw grandma sleeping on in front of daytime TV, he robbed her purse and some shit and then plunged his shiv into the wrinkled woman and chucked her behind the sofa and sat down to enjoy some TV.

Red Hooding arrived, bummed a smoke off the mailman in return for a feel and entered grandma’s crib salivating at getting cash or stuff to pawn for crack. She saw the dude, and said “granny what a big baldy head u got b*tch”, the dude said “feck you”, and took out his d*ck, “oh granny what a big d*ck U got” he got up to have his way with the skank when the cops came in and shot him 38 times.

Dumpty Humpty
There was this morbidly obese dude named Dumpty Humpy, he was unemployed and liked to sit on walls and wolf whistle chicks while ramming a family bucket of fried chicken and a few extra strong lagers down his neck.

So Dumpty fell of the wall because he was drunk, some horses came by with a bunch of elite upper class military types, the horses were not paramedics and the elites couldn’t help put dumpty together because they were taking selfies with his runny yolky shattered corpse to upload on Facebook.

Why not add your own updated nursery Rhyme...
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International Womens Day

Today is International womens day, originally celebrated as Women's working day in 1909.
This years theme is "Be bold for change"

On behalf of all men, we thank you, without women we would be nothing.

You are all valued, all beautiful and even though we men dont often show it, we appreciate you.

So for the men here, lets show a bit of love and affection towards our fabulous women.
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Feeling dejected...

I have been a member of our town’s pottery and twerking club for a couple of years, today, due to having a bad hair day I wore a trendy lycra hijab and my line dancing boots as my Nike trainers were full of pancake batter (no bowls left), I knew all eyes were on me, they always are, as I finished the rim of a clay custard jug I began twerking to a bit of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene”, I was stopped and dragged before the committee of senile old farts who told me I was no longer welcome.

What did I do wrong?

Update a few hours after posting this:-

I have set up a vajazzling and Merkin workshop and already have a few people signed up..thumbs up
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Fake History

The powers that be have taught us history that is fake, they have their reasons, perhaps to control us who knows, some things you didn’t know:-

Stonehenge
We are told it was a Pagan site something with stars, Millions flock there in white dressing gowns every Solstice, but in reality Stonehenge was a simply an early women’s shoe and handbag shop. In later years it was a Rice Pudding Factory.

Marie Antoinette’s “let them eat cake” comment caused the French revolution.
Wrong, The French revolution was caused by an argument between a cheese grater manufacturer and a wealthy client who complained that it didn’t grate cheese as well as a peasant did by hand. Ms Antoinette did have her head chopped of with a guillotine for selling fake Hermes Scarves and Instant noodles.

Hitler committed suicide
Wrong again, He escaped to Australia and set up a catering and male escort company, his descendants are still selling burgers, shags and Ice cream out of catering vans. His Mistress however did commit suicide as the Russians put muddy bootprints on her Paisley print wool carpets at the Reichstag.

The Moon Landings
We are told that man was first on the moon, actually he hasn’t, and the first astronauts were all women. A Mrs. Gladys Mount and a Miss Sticky McFingers were sent up to get the place all clean and tidy so that when the men went up there it was not so dusty. They also found the Russian Space dog Laika had fouled everywhere and bagged up his dog eggs and returned them to earth.
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Snakes, Basket Weaving & Animal Husbandry

Obscure title? They are very interrelated and something we need to embrace in these days of darkness and self-loathing.

Snakes were invented in the Jurassic period after a small version of some dinosaur took a liking to eating lizard’s legs.

The first baskets were weaved out of snakes as thin grass had not evolved into reeds. The snakes were sometimes left alive as they made a great insect and rodent repellant in our ancestors cave dwellings.

The first Animal husbandry records found on some cave paintings show that early human females married various animals due to a shortage of men, many men died trying to weave snake baskets using venomous snakes to impress their women and store rocks and stuffed animals.

Early marriage documents show that women per quite fond of Quaggas (now extinct) as their appendages were not as large as other animals; Lesbianism was around at the time and frowned upon so these types often adopted baby Brachiosaurus that unfortunately got eaten when sleeping in a basket weaved from snakes by bigger snakes.

Animal husbands soon became unfashionable and the now domesticated ex-husbands were raised on farms for consumption, that’s why the term is used today to describe Animal Husbandry.

Written in Braille so simply use your fingers on your screen to read this.
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