Perceptions and commitment

Sitting at the keyboard is a commitment. I have spent my life making as few commitments as possible; I learned when I was very young that if I say I will do something, well, I am just going to do it. No matter the cost to me.

When I, a self-avowed non-athlete in terms of track and field, entered every event for which I was eligible in inter-house sports to encourage house members to compete everyone laughed. They turned out in droves to watch me make a fool of myself.

I ran the 100 metres sprint. I won. I ran the 150 metres sprint. I won. I ran the 300, 440 and 880 metres, made a respectable mid pack showing in the first two and came home a magnificent last in the 880, two laps behind everyone else and from somewhere in the bottom of my gut I found sprint speed for the last thirty metres and damned near killed myself.

I threw the discus, the hammer , the shot put and the javelin. I jumped a respectable 21.5 metres in the long jump and three inches shy of my own height in the high jump. I hated every minute of it but I had made a commitment. On the plus side I personally earned 150 points for my house in a non-academic forum. When they made the announcement at assembly everybody laughed.

People frequently laugh at my antics. They laugh when I say every problem is a solution waiting to be found. They laugh when I say please, thank you and excuse me, these little social niceties so fallen now into disrepute. They laugh when I say you can do anything you put your mind to.

They don't laugh when I say no. They b*tch and moan and sometimes call me names. They say I must and should and have to and I say "Why?". They don't laugh when I unbalance the accepted status quo. They say "shut up, why would you say that?" and "don't you know there are times to keep your mouth shut?" and I say "Why?".

Most of what I am is on the surface. I say what I think when I speak and frequently choose silence over speech - or typing - because I am aware I often do not think about what I am saying and I prefer not to do harm. I write my thoughts in blogs, in verse; I sit at the keyboard with a commitment to be true to myself, to examine myself and what I am doing. How am I informing the moment that is?

And yes, I like it when sometimes I cast a ripple that touches and connects with another soul. I like the fact that I am not alone in this vast expanse of energy and light. Still, I make few commitments because once I say yes it might as well be carved in stone and it can be a hard way to live.

Sometimes beneath the surface of who I am there lies a secret wish to be other than a clown at times; a wish that just sometimes my random step could find a matching rhythm so I would not have to say "Why?' so I will not forever be a dancer without a partner. It is just a momentary thought.