Steven Wright

I love his warped mind along with his total deadpan delivery. Here are a few of his short jokes for you to enjoy;

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Everywhere is walking distance.. if you have the time.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep..."

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.